A Decade and a Day
by yuugiri
Summary: The resilience of the heart to unchange is amazing, that the song it sang a decade and a day passed is the same song it still sings today. Chapter 14 of 15 up.
1. Choices

**Chapter One:**

**Choices**

* * *

_Fulfilling its duty_

_One of your flowers is about to drop off_

_But just beside it_

_A new bud is about to open_

_Even one of the branches reveals to us_

_The entire scheme of nature._

_- Tomihiro Hoshino_

* * *

It was like finally getting to jumpstart your life after ten years. It felt like ten eternities... But now, finally, after a long wait, it came. He had never believed it would, but it did...

And now he was free.

Brushing back the unruly locks of golden hair out of his face, Dearka Elthman looked over his shoulder and smiled at the tall, light-haired fellow in a fine-trimmed ZAFT uniform standing casually behind him, arms crossed over his chest.

"Are you just going to stand there?" he asked quietly as he smiled.

Yzak Jule smiled back. In the years, his friend's aggressiveness and choice of bad cusses had faded much over time, leaving nothing but a serious Council Member who pretty much possessed but an iota of humor. And although majority of the time placid, Yzak still had the air of cockiness that made all his smiles look like smirks. "This is what you've been waiting for, right?" Yzak said.

"You just couldn't wait to get rid of me, huh?"

"Damn right."

Dearka chuckled but stopped immediately, then examined the grown man who he used to remember as always bitter and terribly stubborn. Nothing much has changed, really. He had retained his hair cut straight across his shoulders, the scar on the bridge of his nose a faint line that could hardly be noticed unless you knew where to look. Since Dearka was used to seeing him in a crispy, starched uniform, it was hard not to notice the inches the light-haired man had acquired, nor the muscles he had developed. Merely half a head shorter than he was, Yzak was a comforting sight to see before he left the PLANTs. After all, he did not know if or when he would be able to see his friend again.

Of course, his discharge from the service had raised quite a commotion in ZAFT. After having been demoted ten years ago, he had easily climbed back up and had even gained a position in the Council itself. Except when the appointment was officially written, Dearka automatically declined. Everyone was shocked, except for Yzak, who had somehow anticipated his decision.

_"A life in the military is slow, especially when you hunger for a life other than just defending a colony that has no apparent threat to it. If you want to leave, I will let you."_

The former Buster pilot was more than grateful to accept the immediate action Yzak took on his behalf, having managed to walk his papers for him. And a month or so later, here he was, a traveling bag slung on one shoulder, ready to do what he should have done ten years ago.

Yzak shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another. The guy honestly could not stay in one place for a very long time. "I've contacted Cagalli in Orb, and she was happy to hear that you will be visiting."

"Visiting, you say? Did I hear right?"

His friend shrugged. "What did you want me to tell her?"

That made Dearka pause. After a moment, he shook his head. "I don't know."

"Anyway, she said she will be meeting you in Orb. Send my regards."

Dearka nodded. "I will."

Over the years, Orb-PLANT relations have been going smoothly. Cagalli and Yzak had made sure of that. Ever since the peace treaty was signed, not much has been going on, except of course for the occasional hubbub of expected recollections of the war. But all that was behind him now. He did not need to think about it anymore. As of today, he was officially a civilian.

I am finally going to live…

He seldom came back down to Earth. And even if he did, he never stayed long. Yzak had been pestering him about it, too. Asking him why he took his work too seriously, why he never even took the time to go and enjoy himself. Dearka would just brush everything away. He had his reasons.

And that was because he was a coward.

Yzak turned to him, then hesitated a bit before answering. It was such an awkward sight, seeing him uncomfortable. "You're going to look for her, aren't you?"

With that, Dearka tensed. He was always running away. Not from anything else, but from himself. From the fact that he might get hurt if he tried to face the reality that was too big for him to deal with. Or from the fact that he might hurt someone…

Someone… someone…

It had been a decade since he last saw her face… she had been happy then, when the war ended. So happy. He was happy then, too, getting to see her genuinely smile. She had such a beautiful smile…

He never really did get the chance to say goodbye to her. Everything had happened so fast. Everyone in the Archangel then ended up splitting into two groups, each with their own destination. The group that decided to build bridges instead of walls had succeeded, but the euphoria of enjoying that fact was immediately swallowed up by farewells.

Athrun Zala, one of the best soldiers of ZAFT had decided to leave the service then, having fallen in love with Cagalli Yula Attha, the princess of the neutral nation of Orb. If memory serves him right, the former Justice pilot was now a bodyguard of the princess, and rumor has it that they were getting married sometime this year. It took them long enough… Dearka had always thought that Cagalli was a girl with an attitude of a demon and a face of an angel. He had been fretting over Athrun's sanity then, but was surprised to find out that they were actually getting along well and thriving.

Lacus Clyne, the songstress and former rebellion leader, had taken to helping around in the orphanage for the first five years of the post- war setting, and she seemed to have been enjoying herself until that time when Kira finally snapped. Kira Yamato… the Coordinator who piloted the Freedom Gundam… Dearka could not help but cringe at the memory of that strong body, but possessed a soul broken by emotional abuse from a girl who was equally bitter then as Kira was bitter now. At the age of twenty-one, Cagalli had already hired a private psychiatrist to help with his recovery, or at least this was according to Yzak, who was surprisingly updated with the happenings of their lives. This was probably because of the constant meetings the former Duel pilot had with Athrun and Cagalli over the years. It seemed as if his social skills had improved over the years of having to handle more than just the front lines in a war machine.

Kira had recovered somehow, according to Yzak, however one could still see him staring blankly up into the sky, murmuring time and again about countless lives and failures… Lacus had tried to be strong for him, but proved to be too weak herself to overcome the grief he was feeling. Five years after the start of therapy, a lot has changed, but the change was still not enough. Dearka planned to see Lacus in his "visit" to earth. Kira, too.

Sai Argyle returned to Orb as well, Yzak said, although he still did not know why his friend said it to him. The guy was apparently into engineering, studying well and getting full credit on the construction of the space colony, Heliopolis II. Sai. He never really cared much about him. He could barely remember his face.

Now the only person who Yzak did not update him about was Miriallia Haww... And since he was naturally not going to ask first about the issue, it was never opened to begin with. And so it was a ten-year mystery to him, whatever happened to her…

And now I'm out to find out what…

Dearka clutched his bag tighter as he turned around, lowering his chin to his chest and sighing before answering his friend's question. "I'll try to find her, but I have no assurances I will succeed."

Once again, his friend hesitated, uncrossing his arms and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Dearka."

"What?"

"She's still in Orb. Cagalli will know where she is and what she's been doing over the years."

This made the dark-skinned Coordinator's head shoot up, suddenly whirling around and facing his friend again. He eyed him suspiciously. "Why do I have the feeling that you've known this for a long time now …?"

This made Yzak's blue eyes widen incredulously, jaw dropping open. He recovered a second later but it was too late; he had already given himself away. Yzak realized this too, and finally sighed in resignation. He looked away. "Dearka, you met her at sixteen. Look, there are other girls out there. How can you be sure that what you're feeling for her is still the same thing you've felt for her then?"

Dearka blinked at him, shaking his head in disbelief. He himself had asked that many times before. And not just once had he tried to play around with many other girls in PLANT. Many women would line up for Dearka Elthman, and whoever went out with him once would always want to go out with him twice. He had been in bed with different women for over the years, but earthly pleasures were never enough for him…

Something was missing…

And her name was Miriallia.

"Yzak, every time I lie in bed with a woman, and I close my eyes, I see her. Every time I would look up into the blue sky, I'd remember her eyes. When I eat and orange, I'd remember her hair. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with dreams about her. For ten years, the only thing I've been seeing in my mind's eye is her. I can't get her out of my head… "

Yzak frowned. "Why?"

"I…" Dearka fumbled with the words. Finding nothing, he turned on his friend angrily. "If I knew that, don't you think I would have done something about it? I'm not exactly enjoying myself with this love-sick attitude. But I can't forever dream about her face. There has to be something more to my life than just dreaming… " And with this, he sighed and clamped his friend's shoulder. "How is she? Please tell me."

Yzak met his eyes levelly, examining them for a brief instant. But when he finally opened his mouth, the words that came out of it made Dearka's lungs give. "She's getting married, Dearka… She has been engaged for three years now…"

And the world exploded then and there.

This can't be happening…

Yzak shook his head sadly. "I didn't know how to say it to you when I found out…And I thought you didn't really care… so I - "

"Who is she engaged to?"

"What?"

"Who is she engaged to?"

Yzak once again looked away. "She's engaged to Sai Argyle. They've been seeing each other for five years or so, I think."

This is definitely the twilight zone…

Trying to shake the unfamiliar feeling of insecurity bubbling around in his gut, he shifted his hold on his bag and turned to walk away towards the direction of the shuttle. "Tell Cagalli I'll meet her in Orb. I'll call you when I get there."

It was too late for him to convince himself that it was selfish of him to show himself at this time… but he knew that he could not stay here. Not when he knew she was still there… It didn't matter… He had to see her…

I've been dreaming about you… wanting you from afar… hoping against hope that you were the woman lying beside me at night… I've waited too long… please don't let me be too late…__

* * *

Miriallia Haww sat humming to herself that late afternoon, waiting for the sun to set in the horizon, coloring the sky with beautiful hues of reds, oranges and yellows. Sitting under a leafy tree, her knees pulled to her chest, her arms hugging her legs to her closely, she was waiting for Sai to come pick her up from Onogoro Elementary, where she was teaching for over five years now.

Sai. Dependable Sai… He had been a comforting presence after the war. He had been always there for her, always patient when she'd cry about Tolle…

Or about him…

She immediately shoved the thought away. No. She should not think about these things… It was not right.

Of course, she had been guilty of thinking about these things for over the last few years, when Sai had proposed, and presented her with a silver ring, asking her if he would marry her. A whirlwind of emotion had caught her off-guard then, sending her reeling. She had said yes, of course. Cagalli was scandalized. She could remember the princess' words then.

"Mir, you said yes? But…but Mir! Do you love him?"

The question was something she wished she never asked. Love… It was an overrated thing… She had been snagged by love twice before, and failed by it, twice before. The answer was simple, however mean-spirited it might sound. She was not in love, but Sai had been a security blanket that was always there. And she needed security. She was twenty-six. Her parents had been nagging her about settling down, and they seem to like Sai a lot. So what was the problem?

She knew that there was a lot, though…

She looked down at her wristwatch and frowned. It was already five in the afternoon… Sai should have been here by now. Suddenly, her cell phone rang. Rummaging into her purse that was sitting beside her on the grass, she flipped it open then pressed it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mir? It's Sai."

Miriallia frowned. "Where are you?"

"Mir, it's an emergency. I need to fly off to Heliopolis II tonight. Where are you?"

"Here where I always wait for you. Aren't you going to pick me up?"

"They need me to calibrate a few stuff in the colony… I was informed just two minutes ago. I… dammit! I'm sorry!"

Miriallia sighed. She felt her patience being tested, but she knew that it was going to be a waste of energy to get mad at Sai for something he could not help but do. It was his job after all… "It's okay Sai. I can go home by myself anyway… When will you be back?"

"Tomorrow evening. I really am sorry. I'll make it up to you."

"Don't worry. I'm okay. You'd better go."

"All right." Then there was an awkward pause. "Mir?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you…"

Goosebumps danced up and down her arms. Miriallia swallowed hard, then laughed shakily, trying to brush his confession aside. He always did say that to her, but words, along with their meaning, were hard to depend upon… "Goodbye, Sai. Take care." And she hung up.

Thinking that there was nothing more to do there, she slowly got to her feet, brushing the bottom of her knee-length orange skirt. The sun was now making its descent and Miriallia shielded her face as she looked out into the horizon. Sai had said he'd take her to Heliopolis II as soon as he finished his work. It was a good promise. She was looking forward to it.

She hugged her purse to her chest as a swift breeze played with her shoulder-length hair. She smiled and turned to leave.

And gasped as she discovered someone standing warily a few feet away from the tree she was sitting on, a huge bag slung over his shoulder. Squinting to see his face in the light of the orange setting sun, she frowned. "Who the heck… "

She guessed he was about a foot taller than she was, with broad shoulders and a mop of wavy, blonde hair. The man was looking at her!

Feeling suddenly uneasy, she backed away a step.

When the man saw that she was leaving, he immediately called out.

"Don't go! Please?"

Miriallia's eyes widened at the sound of his voice. She knew that voice. For some weird reason, she knew that she could never forget it. Ever.

"Dearka?"

And with that, the man nodded. "Hello, Miriallia… " The dark-skinned man started towards her, and he automatically impressed upon her his towering height. My, had he grown…

And she suddenly felt her knees wobble dangerously and she reached to balance herself on the trunk of the tree. No… How could this be? This was not happening to her! It can't possibly happen to her! It's been ten years…

She felt tears welling up in her eyes as she looked up at his face. That dark, handsome face. Those penetrating eyes… Is her past haunting her? Why was he here?

She will not let this happen! She had worked so hard to get where she was right now. And nothing could possibly ruin this for her. Pulling her right hand back, she swung it hard, smashing her palm against the face that had been invading her thoughts for the past years. He didn't even flinch or try to dodge it. He let her slap him across the face freely, and she didn't know why, but the mere act of it made her madder.

She beat on his hard chest twice. "You!" She dashed the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "You… never even said goodbye…!"


	2. To Move Forward

**Chapter Two: **

**To Move Forward**

* * *

"_What could not be changed_

_Must be endured"_

_Lan Mandragoran_

_New Spring, R. Jordan_

_**

* * *

**_

In the span of twenty-six years of living, banging his head while getting inside the cockpit of a mobile suit, of having his arm stitched due to an accident in the training field, of having been shaken up badly after being shot down in the Buster Gundam, no pain could equal that of seeing Miriallia Haww beating at his chest hard. It made his heart hurt too much.

"You... you never even said goodbye!" she cried out as she dashed the tears away before they fell, one hand gripping the collar of his jacket, the other one wiping at her eyes. "I was looking for you! But you! You never waited!"

Dearka's brow furrowed deeply at the memory of that day, ten years ago. The day when the cease-fire was declared. He knew exactly what Miriallia was talking about. How could he forget? It was the day his heart died.

Slowly, the memories flooded his mind's eye as he vaguely listened to Miriallia weeping. He had been ecstatic about the cease-fire, and he had been looking for her then in the crowded hallways of the ship. She was nowhere to be found… He had assumed she was with Kira and the rest, in the infirmary, but just when he was about to go there, Yzak had pulled him away, telling him that Exaria Jule had personally come to fetch them by shuttle. He had no other choice but to comply. He was already in it deep as it is, and disobeying summons will only make things worse…

_But was it a good enough excuse?_

Dearka gripped her wrist firmly and tried to pry her fingers from his collar. "I… tried to find you then… I tried… But I couldn't find you… And…"

She snapped her hand back, startling Dearka. "Ten years, Dearka. Ten _goddamn _years! You never so much as tried to contact me?" She took a step back, shaking her head in disbelief.

This was all too new to the former Buster pilot. Although he had expected her cold façade towards him, tears and a very unexpected outrage were something he did not see coming… _Could you have actually been expecting me to call you? Write you a letter? Drop by for a visit?_

He tried to reach for her hand again, dropping the heavy bag on the grass. She whimpered as she pulled away again, out of reach. It pained him, having to see her recoil from him like this. She was so beautiful, even when she cried… or maybe she was beautiful _because _she was crying, the setting sun behind her setting her hair a fiery red, the gentle light making her skin glow to an unnaturally bronze sheen…

_Were you waiting for me all this time?_

But there were a lot of reasons behind it, staying away from her this long. But maybe all those reasons would appear to be nothing more than excuses to her… That was because his reasons cannot be good enough. He tried to tell himself that he stayed away for her sake, that he wanted her to move on without him trying to mess her decisions while she did. He tried to convince himself that he laid low because he cared, because he thought it best for her that he wouldn't be around.

But of course, he knew, along with Yzak, that the real reason was because he was a wuss. Yzak had been lenient with him regarding his days-off, but he would simply adamantly decline. If his memory served him right, he'd only had three days-off in an entire year, on average… Christmas and New Year would pass, along with his birthday, and he would slave away, shuffling papers and training, taking the necessary break when he was sent by Yzak to Earth for more diplomatic crap. But on all the trips he had to Earth, he never even tried to visit Miriallia…

_Not once…_

Because he was afraid that if he did see her, he would break down crying…

_I wanted to see you. So much it hurts… Getting here and finding you was the easy part, but then I didn't know what you'd say – what I'd say – when I did see you… Will you be thinking of him, throwing it to my face how you lost him… How you wished that none of it happened? _

Miriallia wrapped her arms around herself, shivering. And it had nothing to do with the cold autumn breeze. "Why are you here?" she demanded. "Why are you here all of a sudden?"

His voice cracked when he tried to answer, letting out a very hoarse reply. "I came here… because of you…"

It was the truth… It took him ten years to finally convince himself that he needed this to move on. Yes, he was starting to believe that he needed her just for the mere reason of living.

He tried to reach for her one more time, but she scuttled back a bit. For some weird reason, this made Dearka smile. She hadn't changed a bit. She was scared of him as she had been ten years ago. If it weren't for her obviously magnified beauty over the years, he would not have thought her to have aged. But his smile was immediately wiped out of his face when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice low and deadly.

"It took me ten years to get me where I am now, Dearka. Five years of mourning for the love I've lost in the war at the same time trying to assess my feelings…" she hesitated, then continued. "Trying to assess my feelings for you! Trying to decipher that boggling mystery why I can't get you out of my head! And another five years of trying to patch up what's left of my miserable life after mourning!" Fresh tears flowed down her cheek, and she gritted her teeth, obviously trying to control the rage in her.

_Could it be that she really did wait for me?_

"Miriallia… I'm sorry… I was stupid then… but I'm wiser now. Older."

"Well, you know what, Dearka?" Her eyes narrowed into slits. "So am I." and with that, she hurried across the field of grass, her orange skirt flowing behind her.

And all he could do was watch.

Dearka's shoulders slumped as she vanished from his field of view, but jumped when he heard someone speak from behind him.

"Weird, isn't it, Dearka?" It was none other than Cagalli. She had picked him up from the shuttle docks earlier, and the moment that she did, he had asked him to take him to Miriallia. The princess, who seemed to have mellowed down a bit over the years, had been hesitant about it. But due to his nagging, she finally did…

"What is?" Dearka asked, massaging his temple, suddenly feeling tired.

"That over the years, she seemed to have reserved a lot of bitterness for you." The princess smiled sadly, approaching him with small silent steps. Dearka smiled back, however forced it was. Cagalli had changed a lot over the years, but of course, he had been there to see the transition. She and Athrun had been to and from Orb over the decade, occasionally dropping by with a basket of cookies from Lacus and asking him and Yzak out for a few cups of coffee. Dearka had gone out with them, but would leave immediately when things got intimate. It was even surprising to him that Yzak preferred to stay.

In the span of those many, many years, Cagalli had grown her before-scraggly blonde hair into a shiny sleek ponytail trailing down her back to her waist, and had developed a lot of curves enough to drive Athrun to the brink of insanity in bed. But one thing that did not change was her concern for everyone around her. Patting him on the shoulder, she shook her head. "Are you okay?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

That made her pause. "Nothing. I, myself, was surprised by her reaction in seeing you. You must have left her something to think about…"

Dearka turned from the princess to the setting sun, then sighed. "A heartache… That's what I left. And a lot of regrets for me."

Cagalli hesitated for a bit once more, then let her hand fall to her sides. "Dearka, you have to know something before things get out of hand… Milly, she's - "

"She's engaged."

"You knew?"

"Just a few hours ago, yes. Yzak told me."

This made her open her eyes wide. "Then why did you come here?"

H shrugged, picking up his bag. "The right question is why I didn't come sooner."

Too many things should have been said, too many things should have been done. He shouldn't have waited this long… And now it might be too late. He started for Cagalli's car sitting a few feet away.

"Do you… love her?"

Dearka stopped in mid-stride at the sudden question. He scoffed. "It's not like it would matter, right?"

Cagalli gasped. "You _do _love her then."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm the last person you should ask. I know nothing about love." He tried to change the subject. "You on the other hand, are an expert. How are you and Athrun?"

The mere mention of the name lit the princess' face like a lamp. She blushed suddenly. "Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

Leaning forward shyly, she whispered in his ear. "_I'm pregnant._"

Any depressing thought flew out the window. Dearka almost fell to the floor. "Holy cow! Really?" He scooped the girl in his arms in a hug, "Oh, my God, Cagalli! Congratulations!"

The princess laughed pleasantly when he set her back down. "Athrun doesn't know yet. I'm going to tell him over the dinner party I am hosting for his birthday two days from now. Don't tell him, all right?"

His own melancholy forgotten momentarily, he nodded as the two of them made it back to the car. "So the rumors of you guys getting married are true?"

Cagalli smirked. "If it isn't, I'll wup his ass."

Dearka laughed whole heartedly as he tossed his bag in the backseat and rode in the passenger seat. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"

"Not a one."

_**

* * *

**_

Miriallia skidded to a halt when she finally reached the bus stop, the tears that have been flowing down her cheeks dry from the cool wind blowing from the east. She felt her knees betray her and she flopped down on the bench sitting beside the stop sign.

Heaving a sigh, trying to catch her breath, she slammed a fist on her lap. "Well, you know what, Dearka? So am I," she mimicked in a singsong voice. She had declared to his face as well as to herself that she was older and wiser, but had reacted contrary to her words.

She could not understand what had gotten into her then! She had practically snapped his head off simply because he didn't try to see her over the years. How irrational was that?

_You had no right to tell him those words, since he had no certain obligation to see you. Be a woman. You were wrong._

But still she could not believe how terribly she was shaking at the mere memory of him. He had grown taller… His hair was longer, too… She found herself fingering her own locks. _I've always wondered what he'd look like with longer hair… _

Letting her hand drop to her lap again, she buried her face to her knees, groaning in despair. This was the first time she had actually gotten to release that tight ball of bitterness over the years, but what caught her off-guard was the fact that it didn't seem to have faded at all. It was still as strong as before…

That fated day when he had suddenly disappeared from the Archangel without a goodbye to everyone, the sadness that came with the disappointment surprised her as did Kira and the rest. She had been out of it, barely eating and sleeping with lingering thoughts of guilt for having almost killed him in the earlier days when they first met. Words then were her only weapons to try to unburden herself of the pain of loss, but those words were no sooner used against her by her conscience.

_And he never even let me apologize._

She shivered. She wasn't lying when she told him earlier that it took her this long to finally get her life moving. When she did, in fact, try to mourn for whatever the war had robbed from her, she would end up having unwanted thoughts of people who at the same time given her something to think about… Dearka Elthman had unwittingly and unknowingly made her think of him for reasons unknown to her then, and still unknown to her now.

Raising her face to the ceiling of the low shed, she closed her eyes tightly and let out a breath, remembering Cagalli's words to her a few years back, when she had announced that Sai proposed.

_"He asked you to marry him? And you said yes. Are you sure about this?"_

_"Why not? He's a very reliable man. He's stable and settled and he cares about me a lot. Why not?"_

_"I… I mean, what do you feel about him? You've been seeing each other for what? Two years? But still, I don't seem to… feel the connection."_

_"Connection?"_

_"Love."_

_"I'm not getting any younger. And so is he. Setting down will be good for me. Love… it'll come. I suppose."_

And after three years of being engaged, it probably still hasn't come. Or maybe it already has. Sai, he could grow on you real fast. This was the thing she tried to convince herself of, that so long as she was secure about her future, it was more than enough.

_Why did you have to show up now? Everything seems so unbalanced now that you're here. And the worst part is, I don't even know why I care. _She grabbed her cell phone from her purse and stared at it in the dimming lights of the afternoon. _I've worked so hard to make this happen. Nothing can ruin it. Not even you and your sudden appearance into my life. _

Flipping the phone open, she quickly pressed redial and waited in anticipation as it rang.

Once…

Twice…

_"Hello?"_

"Sai, it's me," she greeted cheerfully as she tugged at her ear nervously.

"_Mir? What's the matter?_"

"Oh, nothing. I just… wanted to call and… well… ask how you are…"

Sai laughed at that. _"Mir, I just called you not fifteen minutes ago!"_

"I know that, Sai… It's just that… "

_"Is something wrong? Do you need anything from me? If you need me, I'd gladly hurry back before they drag me off to work."_

"No, it's not that. I just wanted to tell you that… " she shifted the phone from one ear to another, then cleared her throat. "Sai, I want to get married."

There was a loud clatter on the other end of the line, then a lot of scuttling. Sai must have dropped his phone. After a while, his voice burst through the earpiece. _"Oh, my God, Mir are you serious?"_

This made her smile shyly, even though she knew he can't see it. "I am. I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly decided that I think we've been seeing each other long enough, and maybe it would be better if we settled down… Are you up to it?"

_"Best news I've had in twenty-six years! Oh, man! Mir, you don't know how much this means to me!"_

"To me, too, Sai." She looked out into the sky, squinting as a flock of birds soared into the clear darkening sky. "So when are you coming home?"

_"Heck, I'd come home now if I weren't needed here! But I'll be home as early as tomorrow night, okay? I'm calling my parents now to tell them the good news. So expect a call from them within the hour. God, they've been waiting for this for a long time now! "_

"For the planning right? Your mother has been nagging me about it too. Well, I'll see you then?"

_"You know you will." _Sai coughed a few times before hesitantly speaking. _"And Miriallia?"_

"Yeah?"

_"I love you."_

Miriallia laughed a bit, closing her eyes slowly and clenching her free hand into one tight fist, pushing out of her head the thoughts of a certain handsome man who had suddenly returned to her at the moment she least expected him to. _Nothing can ruin this for me… Not even you…_

"I love you too, Sai…"


	3. Realization

**Chapter Three: **

**Realization**

* * *

_One of the hardest things to accept _

_Is the realization that_

_Things that make no sense _

_To us now_

_May never make any sense,_

_But life will go on anyway..._

_Kerry McCaskill_

_**

* * *

**_

In his second day in Orb, there was one thing that Dearka had confirmed to himself; sleep in his new quarters in the Attha estate was no better than his sleep in PLANT. He had not seen Miriallia over the days and was indeed feeling quite miserable to be so near and yet so far from her... He could imagine her spending time with that Sai – dammit! What did that guy look like again? – waiting for him to come home at night to her...

_Ugh!_

Thoughts of her weren't doing him any good. His nights had been filled with dreams of running away from something he could not see, a definite change from seeing Miriallia's blue eyes and beautiful hair. A change for the worst. That night, he woke up sweating and breathing heavily. He wasn't able to fall back to sleep and so decided to take a walk in the broad gardens of Cagalli's mansion. It would have been a beautiful night, had it not been for the princess' pet dachshund. How was he to know that the little wheener dog was let loose at night?

And so needless to say, he was chased around by the little dog a few laps around the estate and would have been kept up doing it had Athrun not come to his rescue. He had looked out of his and Cagalli's quarters by the fifth time Dearka ran below it. This brought the blue-black haired boy running down the mansion, wearing nothing but his pajama bottom and a thin bathrobe.

It was the first time he had seen the former Justice pilot since his arrival in Orb. He had not joined them for dinner two nights in a row and so Dearka assumed he had been away for some errands for the princess the whole day. The tall blue-haired Coordinator must have arrived earlier in the night, and so he wasn't able to greet him on his arrival. Grabbing the dachshund by its long body, calling it by the name of Cookie, Athrun hurriedly whisked it away to its small dog house under the large tree to the west of the front lawn.

Of the ZAFT top gun pilots – Athrun, Yzak and himself – Athrun seemed to be the one who did not change much over the years. Aside from the fact that he had grown a lot, about half a hand taller than Dearka himself, and the relatively longer hair brushing his shoulders, nothing much has changed. Still serious and contemplating.

"Is playing around in the garden with the dog at midnight some habit you've acquired over the years, Dearka?" he had asked him the moment he got rid of the dog.

Dearka laughed as Athrun shook his hand roughly. Of course, he had not even begun getting tired from all that running. Shaking his head easily, he looked up the window where Athrun had spotted him. "Did I wake you and Cagalli?"

"Cagalli's out like a light. I just came in a few hours ago and was just getting ready to sleep when I heard someone running around here. I wanted to ignore it, but then I got annoyed because it kept on coming back."

"Sorry about that, man. So how are you?"

"Still the same. I'm getting old in - " he pretended to check the time on an imaginary wristwatch. "Hmmm... about several minutes from now."

"Oh, yeah. I heard. Happy birthday, man. Another year, huh?"

"Can't believe time can fly so fast when you're enjoying too much of your life."

This made Dearka pause, his smile freezing on his face. _Is that why my ten years feel like ten eternities? Because I'm not enjoying my life? _"Must be nice."

Athrun did not seem to have noticed the silence. He led him inside the mansion again, through the foyer and into the kitchen, where he started rummaging through the sink, feeling completely at home. Heck, he had been there for ten years. No wonder. Dearka was envious. Athrun had everything going for him; a beautiful, loving fiancée, a baby on the way (much to his surprise), and more sooner than later, a wedding...

How he wished to be in his shoes... How long has it been since fortune smiled down on him? It was like ha was under a curse over the decade...

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to pick you up in the shuttle dock a couple of days ago. I had to go out of the country to get something for Cagalli," Athrun explained, preparing the coffee maker as if out of habit. "She wanted me to get a coconut," he added, a strange look coming across his boyish face. "I swear, her appetite has been weird lately. The day before you arrived, she asked me to get a yellow watermelon from Japan... "

Dearka couldn't help but grin idiotically. Of course, the princess was pregnant. "It must be a girl thing."

"I hope it's just a phase, and that it'll pass soon."

"Wait a few more months and it will."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Athrun shrugged and sat on the round table in the middle of the kitchen, right across from Dearka and inspected the former Duel pilot's face. "Yzak told me, you came here for a reason."

Dearka scratched his head, somewhat shyly. "It was a bad idea to begin with. I shouldn't have come..."

His friend continued to stare at him. "Have you met her yet?"

"I have. And Cagalli told me about her engagement."

"Five years is an awfully long time to be engaged, if you ask me..." Athrun traced lazy circles on the surface of the table, his eyes never leaving Dearka's face. "Maybe... just maybe... you came at the right time."

This statement almost made Dearka fall off his chair. "I'll pretend you didn't say that."

He shrugged. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Their engagement? Nothing. What else is there for me to do? She looks happy enough."

His friend shrugged. "But what about you?"

"What about me?"

He critically examined his face. "Ten years, Elthman. And now you're back. You didn't exactly come here to say congratulations to her, did you?"

This made Dearka look away. Of course not. He came to Orb because… because… Why _did _he come to Orb? Running a hand through his long blonde locks, he smiled sheepishly. "There really isn't anything I can do, Athrun." He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "She cried and lashed out at me the moment she saw me, and then ran away."

This disturbing fact seemed to have made Athrun's face light up for some reason. "She did, did she?"

"You seem happy."

The former Justice pilot laughed softly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's still not over it. What did you do to her that made her this mad at you?"

Dearka frowned. "I… don't know… She said that… I didn't say goodbye… "

Athrun raised a finger in the air, as if to lay emphasis on what he was going to say. "There you have it. She's mad at you because you left without saying goodbye. That must mean something… right?"

Dearka paused, as if trying to digest what he was saying. Women. They were the most terribly complicated creatures created… He shook his head. The last thing he wanted was to get too ahead of himself. "Forget it. I don't want to go there."

Athrun sighed, then pinned a serious glare at his friend. "Listen to me. You dropped your chance for a position in the Council, traveled all the way from PLANT, finally showing yourself to her after ten years, and now you tell me that you don't want to go there? Aren't you a bit too old to be lying to yourself?"

Dearka opened his mouth to protest, but immediately closed it when he saw Athrun shake his head as if saying to him not to even try denying it.

Athrun immediately stood up, but did not allow him to say anything. "You love her, don't you?"

Dearka swallowed hard. "What?"

"You love her and now you're trying to play it safe by completely denying the fact that you came back, hoping you could tell her!"

"What! No!"

"Yes! It makes perfect sense. You had gone on for ten long years, getting every single girl you could _have_, except for the one single girl that you _want. _I'm right, aren't I?"

"What? Athrun!"

The blue-haired friend of his leaned forward on the table, pointing a finger to his nose. "And now you're scared of what she'd say when you tell her that you have been wanting to talk to her over the years but was too much of a wuss to admit to yourself that you, Dearka Elthman, are madly, deeply in love with Miriallia Haww!"

Dearka leaped to his feet. "Now wait just a minute! What if this happened to be true? What if all you ever said was true, Athrun? Then what? She's engaged! She seems happy now, and I ruined everything by showing up."

Athrun was not amused. "She's been engaged for five years! No offense to Sai and all, but… But don't you think that that's too long a time to hold off something that would obviously lead to marriage anyway? As far as I could tell, they aren't getting married anytime soon. And I suggest you take that advantage."

Of all the conversations he could possibly have with Athrun Zala, tips on romance were definitely the last thing he was expecting. Hesitating a bit, Dearka sighed. "What if… what if I tell her… and then she says that she doesn't feel the same way?"

With this, Athrun actually laughed. "Dearka, as far as I could remember about your ten-year performance, you were the born blackjack of ZAFT. You of all people should know what it is to take risks. I don't see the reason why you'd be afraid to gamble now." And with that, he went over to the counter and checked the coffee maker. He smiled at himself. "Hmm. Coffee…"

Dearka fell back sitting on his chair. _Take a risk… Gamble… Damn…_

One of the reasons why Dearka had been brave about gambling with his decisions then was because he was not concerned of winning or losing… But now, he knew the stakes were too high… He had so much to lose…

Athrun was now pouring them each a cup of coffee. "Later today, Cagalli is holding a party for me. Everyone will come."

"Everyone?"

Athrun nodded. "Lacus, Kira… You'd like to see them, don't you? Cagalli invited Yzak too and he said he'll try to make it."

"Who else is coming?"

"A few friends of ours you really wouldn't know. But the important part of it is, Milly will be there. She and Sai are coming over. It will be a good opportunity to talk."

Dearka snorted. "You _are _crazy. You want me to talk to Milly with her _fiancé _around?"

The former Justice pilot suddenly blinked, then a wide smile broke his handsome face. "You _do _love her…"

Dearka was confused. "Huh?"

"If you're not in love with her, man, you wouldn't worry about talking to her with Sai around."

"What the fu - !"

Athrun was serious. "Just talk to her. Tell her what you feel. What's important is that you said to her what you've been meaning to tell her for so long. It doesn't matter what she says."

This made the former Duel pilot wilt. "Doesn't it?" It was then did he tell himself that he will not show up for the party later.

No.

He will just have to tell Cagalli that he will not be able to make it.

_**

* * *

**_

Unfortunately, his plan was completely thwarted by Cagalli herself. She somehow anticipated that he was planning to ditch the party, and so headed him off when he was about to make his daring escape out the back door of the kitchen. The princess had dragged him off to the very crowded grand lobby of her unbelievably large mansion and planted him to a chair, forcing a glass of champagne in his left hand. He hated formal parties…

For some weird reason, he never got the chance to actually leave that seat for the entire night. Not even when Milly came through the double doors two hours ago, looking absolutely stunning in a simple yet beautiful white sleek dress that flowed down perfectly up to her ankles. He had almost jumped to his feet when he saw her, but immediately fell back on his chair when he saw she didn't come alone.

She was in the arms of a tall, brown-haired young man, dressed to kill and sporting a pair of brown-tinted glasses… He didn't have to know who the guy was. Now that he had finally seen him again, the name was finally coming back along with the face.

It was Sai Argyle. Miriallia Haww's fiancé.

After seeing them for the first time together, he dedicated his entire evening looking at everyone, so long as it wasn't them.

In the remainder of the party, he had watched Cagalli and Athrun dance the night away, as Athrun was already a bit tipsy, enjoying the one-night pass to drunkard heaven, as it was his birthday. Lacus and Kira had been talking for over three hours straight in one corner of the room, sometimes laughing loudly but most of the time talking silently to each other. Dearka had actually considered joining them, but it seems like they were in their own little world and he didn't want to ruin their time.

Grinning slightly to himself, Dearka watched as Lacus placed a hand on Kira's broad shoulders, them nodded. The sweet songstress had changed a lot over the years. Although her hair was a little longer, she had lost all her baby fat, especially on the face. Tall and slender, with those kind eyes, he had always wondered what she had been up to.

Kira on the other hand, couldn't look any better. He was actually smiling now. And although his eyes would still sometimes gaze into nothingness occasionally, Dearka could say that things were finally looking up…

He looked around him and watched as people he didn't know suddenly stopped dancing and immediately gazed up into the couple that had made their way to the middle of the room. Cagalli, who looked absolutely wonderful in her yellow dress, raised her glass of champagne and cleared her throat. Dearka was up to his feet, knowing that this was the part where Cagalli would announce the good news.

He was right.

Cagalli raised her glass over her head. "People, we all know the reason why we are all here today. That's because we are celebrating the birth of a really wonderful person." She turned to the former Justice pilot who immediately scratched his head in embarrassment. "So let us all raise our glasses and drink for more birthdays to come! Happy birthday, Athrun!"

There were scattered "_Happy Birthday, Athrun"_s in the crowd and everyone unanimously took a sip of their wine. Deaka smiled and raised his glass, but did not drink from it. He knew he already had too much.

When everyone settled down a bit, Cagalli took Athrun's hand and grinned evilly. "But before anything else more, I have one announcement to make."

Dearka watched Athrun eye his girl curiously. "What's this about?"

Cagalli turned to everyone else. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to let all of you know that Athrun and I are getting married!"

Everyone exploded in an ear-deafening round of applause.

Athrun almost dropped his glass. "_W-we are?_"

Cagalli laughed. "Because if he doesn't marry me, I'll rip his head off his shoulders!"

Everyone cheered even more. They knew of Cagalli's humor.

"And do you know why?"

"_Why?"_ The crowd asked happily.

"Because I'm pregnant!"

This time, everyone was ecstatic! Athrun dropped his glass completely, gathering Cagalli in his arms in a tight embrace.

"Oh, my God, Cagalli! Really?" Athrun rasped over the loud noise as everyone started to crowd around Cagalli.

Dearka smiled faintly to himself. Placing his glass down on the nearest table, he decided that this was the perfect opportunity to sneak out of there as fast as he could before the princess saw him and dragged him back by the collar. Stealthily making his way through the room and out into the garden where he had been chased by Cookie the dachshund, he sighed in relief as a cool wind caressed his face. Finally, room to breath!

Stretching his hands over his head, thinking that he finally got away before he saw Miriallia, he was suddenly disgruntled when he heard someone shuffling nearby.

Looking down, he felt all the blood drain from his face when he saw who it was.

"Mi- Miriallia?" he stammered, suddenly feeling naked.

The girl looked like she had seen a ghost. She took an involuntary step back, her long white dress clinging to her well-developed curves as another gust of wind played with it. She was evidently shocked to see him. Seeing her look at him like that… it cut at his heart like a knife…

Composing herself, she immediately cleared her throat and looked away. "Dearka… I… What are you doing here?"

Dearka opened his mouth to answer her question, when someone else walked in on the suddenly unbelievably small garden. That person, it took Dearka a few moments to process who he was. Until he watched the person put his arms around Miriallia's waist. Until he watched him plant a small kiss on her forehead. And until he saw the look on the person's face when he saw Dearka.

"Sai…" he uttered, his stomach twisting itself into tight knots, and the amount of champagne wasn't helping him.

The man blinked a few times, and Dearka could have sworn there was a look of panic crossing his handsomely serious face, which he quickly covered with a warm smile. "Oh, my God…Dearka! Is that you?" He tightened his arm around Miriallia, who seemed to have gone into an unbearable silence as she watched the ground intently. Sai slowly reached out his free hand, and Dearka took it, shaking it faintly, then letting go.

Dearka laughed a little. "You still remember me, huh?" He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants then shrugged. "Been a while."

Sai eyed him warily, as if watching a leopard who was waiting to pounce on his meat. "How could I forget you?" he whispered silently, almost inaudibly.

And then they were silent, each one looking at the other with obviously fake smiles. If it weren't for Miriallia who disengaged herself from Sai's half-embrace, they would have stared at each other for hours. He just knew it.

"I'm going inside…" she murmured an explanation and was about to slip inside the house when Sai grabbed her wrist, pulled her to him closely, and kissed her on the lips.

Dearka felt a searing pain zigzag though his heart then and there.

Miriallia pulled away hastily, then, after casting an uncertain glare at Dearka, she disappeared inside the still noisy room, leaving Sai and the former Duel pilot once again gazing each other down with equally penetrating eyes.

Sai was the first to speak. "I didn't know you were here."

"Miriallia didn't tell you?"

He frowned. "No."

"I see." Trying to make small talk, Dearka shrugged. "Well, I'm here now. Not much surprise there, huh?"

Sai was not impressed. Taking a step forward, he crossed his arms over his chest, as if using it as a shield against him. "What are you doing here?"

This made Dearka irk. "What do you mean?"

"Ten years and then suddenly you show up."

It was then did Dearka decide that he didn't like Sai. He looked away, nonchalantly tossing his hair into the wind. "So?" But what got him off-guard was when Sai took another step forward, his shoulders touching his as he leaned in and whispered something in his ear in a hiss.

"First Kira, then you… " Sai growled menacingly. "You will not take her away from me. Miriallia is _mine_. And if you try to take her, I swear… "

Dearka narrowed his eyes at him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sai smirked. "Don't you?"


	4. Denial

**Chapter Four:**

**Denial**

* * *

_To love is to place our happiness_

_In the happiness of others._

_ Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz_

_**

* * *

**_

Miriallia leaned back on the wall as soon as she made her escape from the stifling setting outside in the garden, for some weird reason panting for breath. Her shaky hand involuntarily flew to her lips where Sai had kissed her without warning. Why had she felt so conscious being kissed by him? He had kissed her so many times before in front of many people, yet...

She shook her head, her hands dropping to her sides, fingers gripping her silky white skirt as she tried to push away the possible reason out of her head. No, she was not going to allow that reason! She will not accept that possibility that the reason why she felt uncomfortable about that small display of affection was because of their one-man audience whose name was Dearka Elthman.

Breathing deep, she tried to look for the lady carrying around and distributing those small cocktail finger foods, looking for an alibi why she slipped away from her fiancé. Spotting the tray-wielding woman snaking through people who were still bombarding questions to a very flushed Cagalli and a very shocked father-to-be Athrun who was grinning quite idiotically, she sighed and proceeded to approach her.

But immediately stopped when she caught the most horrible sight she could ever behold in her life in the corner of her eye.

There, framed by the large doors leading to the garden, she saw Dearka and Sai, shoulder to shoulder, glaring at each other so menacingly that she knew that if no one came in between them, things would definitely get ugly. Swerving and swiftly changing her direction and intended target, she moved as fast as those three-inch heels could carry her towards the two men she had left alone together not a few minutes ago. She could see Dearka's shoulders tensing as Sai tilted his head to the right; a mannerism he unconsciously did when he was pissed.

Along the way, she caught snatches of their heated conversation.

"... No idea what you're talking about," Dearka said, evidently running out of patience as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, a look Miriallia knew well. It was the look when she had first seen him ten years ago, when he was brought into the Archangel as a prisoner. A deadly look...

Shivers racked her spine.

"Don't you?" Sai hissed.

Miriallia could not help but gasp at her fiancé's expression. In the years she had known Sai, she had never thought of him capable of getting mad. He had always been patient with everything to the point of serenity. So seeing him now, staring at Dearka with an unexplainable hatred in his voice, she could not believe it was still him in that body...

She watched Dearka slip his balled-up hands out of his pockets, letting them dangle loosely to his sides. "Nice to see you too, Sai. Now will you please get off my face?" he asked quietly, his own head cocking back, purple eyes ablaze as if waiting for the man with the glasses to actually give him a good enough excuse to hit him.

Sai was not amused. "I hope you know what's good for you, Mr. Elthman. Stay away from us."

Miriallia swallowed hard, her mind spinning. What had gotten over Sai? She hurried to the door, bracing herself just in case they suddenly ended up brawling.

But as if on cue, both of them noticed her approaching, and each took an uncertain step back. Miriallia's hand immediately flew to her ear, tugging at it nervously. "What's going on?"

Sai looked at her, then at Dearka. "Nothing."

Miriallia looked at Dearka, too. "Are you sure?"

The former Buster pilot sniffed, then turned away, saying nothing.

This time, Miriallia did not know what to do. Eyeing each of them in turns, she slowly went to Sai's side. "Sai, let's go. I don't feel too well."

This remark made both men's eyes snap towards her. She felt Sai's arm once again snake its way around her waist, and maybe it was her imagination, but she could have sword Dearka growled silently at the gesture. But what Miriallia could not believe was that she too was feeling quite self-conscious as Sai pulled her close to him, tightening his embrace, once again caressing her temple with his lips.

Miriallia watched the blond man narrow his eyes at them, then turn away as if about to leave. She felt sweat bead her brow as her heart fluttered a bit at the sight of his long hair waving in the soft breeze, the lights coming from inside the house making his skin appear darker. She could not explain what she was feeling at the moment, as if she wanted to reach out and touch his face just to make sure he was real. Hadn't it been just two days ago that he had appeared out of nowhere, telling him that he was older... wiser...? He had to be real... right?

_What did you mean by that? Older and wiser for what? _

_For me?_

She shook her head, then even before she could stop herself, she called out to him just as he took the first step back into the house. "Wait."

"Mir?" Sai asked incredulously as he once more pulled her closer.

Miriallia ignored him, not letting her eyes leave the handsome Coordinator's face as he too gazed at her with an unreadable expression in those eyes that had been appearing vaguely in her dreams for the last two days since she saw him. "Dearka, I'm sorry about two days ago, when I lashed out at you. I was... I didn't know what came over me then."

The apology that came out of her mouth surprised both men, but Sai remained silent, the hand resting on her wait immediately went to the back of her neck possessively. Dearka, on the other hand, blinked in disbelief, not knowing what to say. The deadly look that he had used on Sai was gone completely, replaced by another familiar look she had seen on his face long, long ago; the time when he went off in the last battle that ended the war completely. He did not break his promise then, that he will be careful out there in the battlefield. But none of it mattered. Reminiscing about those times was useless... It only made things worse.

The former Buster pilot cast his eyes down, then shrugged. "Forget about it. I didn't take any offense out of it."

Miriallia bit her lower lip, then slowly, shakily, she reached out a hand to him. She watched him look at it curiously, then look away hastily, a pained expression passing his face. She blinked at him, somehow bewildered at his reaction. It was then did she realize that she had unknowingly reached out the hand that held the plain gold band on her ring finger, sparking in the evening lights as if taunting him. She hastily pulled it back. "Listen. No ill feelings, okay?"

Dearka gazed at her face again, then suddenly, he smiled. It was a sad smile. He started to speak. "I heard you were engaged... Congratulations..."

Miriallia knitted her brow, another indescribable feeling nagging at her heartstrings. It was not a positive emotion. She could feel herself trying to control the unexpected annoyance forming at the back of her head. _Congratulations? Is that all you have to say? Say something else... What do you feel about it? What do you feel about _**me**

She snapped out of her thoughts. Where the heck did those thoughts come from? She opened her mouth to speak, but Sai suddenly squeezed the nape of her neck, then snapped uncharacteristically. "Thank you. I'm sure you're one of the many people who are happy for us."

Dearka once again narrowed his eyes at him. "Actually, yes." His expression changed when he returned his gaze to her. "I am happy for you, Miriallia. I wish you all the best."

Swallowing hard, Miriallia nodded, but the nagging feeling grew each second as her eyes caressed his. "Thank you..."

And then they were silent.

And the silence dragged on for so long that Miriallia wanted to scream. Luckily, Athrun, who was all flushed from probably all the attention and the news that he will be expecting a baby soon, popped his head out into the garden, and stared at the small tableau the three of them formed. Eyeing them uncertainly, he stared at Dearka then at Miriallia, then at Sai.

"Uh, everything okay here?" he asked, finally stepping out into the garden.

"Everything's fine," Dearka said. He smiled at him. "I'm feeling a little tired, so I was on my way to retire in my quarters. By the way, congratulations, man."

Slightly distracted, Athrun's face broke into a wide grin. "I'm gonna be a daddy..." he moaned happily, trailing off into a small giggle. He immediately recovered from it and turned to Sai. "Say, Sai. Cagalli is looking all over for you. She was able to approve your request for additional manpower up in _Heliopolis II _and she has a few recommendations. Come on. She's in a bit of a hurry about it."

With that announcement, Miriallia started to panic. Athrun was taking Sai away! They were going to leave her there! With ... Dearka!

Sai was not too happy about the idea either. He looked at Athrun, then at Dearka, and finally at Miriallai. "Can't it wait?"

Athrun shook his head seriously. "Please don't let her wait. I don't want her to lose her temper right now... And she's very impatient. It'll be but a few minutes. The recommended engineers are here and are about to leave so she wants everything to be settled before he night ends."

Uncertainly, Sai let his hands drop to his sides, then nodded. His gaze however, looked like it could kill, and if it _could _kill, Dearka could have been dead by now. "All right. Just a few minutes then." And after squeezing Miriallia's hand tightly, he brushed past Dearka and Athrun into the mansion, glancing over his shoulder one last time before finally disappearing inside.

Athrun turned to Dearka, pinning a meaningful stare at him.

Dearka stared back at him, eyes wide, as if showing complete and utter defiance.

Athrun smiled at him, then at Miriallia. "Do you mind if I leave you for a little while? For some weird reason, I can't seem to get enough of Cagalli lately." And without waiting for a reply, the former Justice pilot patted Dearka on the shoulder, making the man pale a bit. "See you two." And he walked after Sai into the room, once again leaving them in an unbearable silence that Miriallia was getting sick and tired of.

She looked up at Dearka and felt all the blood rush to her face when she discovered he too was staring at her. She smiled her small smile. "Hi."

He returned her smile, then lowered his eyes to the ground. "Hello."

"I really am sorry... I was so rude to you... "

"Stop. You don't have to apologize."

Miriallia hugged herself as another gust of wind blew in from the garden. She looked out at the tall tree in the middle of it and saw a little brown dog frolic about on the grass. She could not believe she was once again left alone with him. She knew that being alone with him would bring nothing but trouble, yet here she was, somewhat grateful that she was given another chance to greet him a proper welcome without breaking down and screaming at him like a madwoman. She listened as he tapped his feet on the ground, maybe waiting for her to say something. But she really didn't have anything to say...

"Listen," he suddenly said, following her gaze out into the tree, then crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I never said goodbye. I'm sorry that I never even tried to contact you over the years. I... just didn't think you'd want to hear from me at all... "

Miriallia blinked and looked at him. "Why would you think that?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it immediately, somehow discovering he had no explanation for it. "I don't know. I'm stupid, I guess..." He laughed a bit. "I said to myself, 'what the heck would a girl like her want to hear from a loser like me?', you know? It never really crossed my mind. I don't know. I'm stupid."

Miriallia tilted her head a bit to eye him carefully, trying to assess him as he spoke. Why had she been so mad at him the moment she saw him? "Yeah, you are. Stupid."

Dearka laughed even more. "Yeah, that's me..." he turned to her, somewhat shyly. "There wasn't a day I didn't think about you. And there wasn't a night I didn't dream about you." He blushed after what he said, then hit himself hard on the head. "Dammit!" he cursed, shaking his head, muttering under his breath.

And Miriallia could not believe how those simple words could actually make her all giddy inside. He had been thinking about her, dreaming about her. But then, even before she got too ahead of herself, another thought came barreling down the lonely corridors of her brain. She was getting married... She should not be feeling these feelings, thinking these thoughts...

She shook her head. But then why did it bring so much pleasure to hear him speak those words...?

She was dragged back into reality when she discovered he had taken a step towards her. She still could not get over the fact that he had grown so tall over the years. He looked so damn good to her, his hair lightly brushing the collar of his coat, a bit of blonde locks falling down those lavender eyes... She swallowed nervously, somehow finding herself drowning at his gaze. Shaking her head, she let out the words that she knew could snap her out of her state.

"I'm getting married in a month, Dearka."

Dearka looked like she had just told him that the world was really flat. He blinked a couple of times, his mouth working wordlessly for a few seconds, before finally breaking into a warm smile. "That's... that's absolutely wonderful." He shook his head, then reached out with both hands, gripping her on both shoulders. She could feel the strength in his hands. For the hundredth time that day, she wondered why he really came back... "Congratulations," he murmured, and without warning, he enveloped her in a tight hug that knocked the wind out of her. "Oh, God help me..."

Miriallia could not explain the goose bumps that danced down her bare arms as he tightened his hug, crushing her against his warm body, making her utterly, utterly helpless. She could not do anything else but return his embrace. "Thank you... Thank you..." She felt her eyes water as she felt Dearka bury his face into her hair, and she could not do anything but wonder what he was thinking.

Until he finally spoke. "Sai is one lucky devil." He pulled away, letting his hands release her. He had a smile that looked like it would crack up his handsome face. "Congratulations."

With that, her heart skipped a beat, that weird feeling of annoyance once again brewing at the back of her head. _Do something. Tell me that you don't want me to get married. Tell me that you came back because of me. Tell me something - anything – just let me know that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life._

But of course, he never did.

Stuffing his hands once again in his pockets, he turned away, hiding his face in shadows, making sure that she did not see his eyes. "Things are looking up for you. I'm glad."

She sighed, trying to tame her heart as she felt a strange anger because she was feeling this way. She let herself smile. "Yes. Sai is a nice guy. I know he'll take care of me."

He nodded. "I know."

"And he's always been there for me... "

That remark made him pause. "Yeah..."

Miriallia slowly massaged her temple and spoke, "Dearka?"

"Yeah?"

_Did you come back because of me?_

Miraillia bowed her head. "Will you come to the wedding?"

Dearka's head shot up. He stared at her for the longest possible time, before finally nodding, smiling. "I wouldn't miss if for the world." And with that, he turned away again. "I have to go... " Without waiting for her reply, he took long trudges into the mansion, leaving her in the garden as he disappeared without warning into the party, where couples danced arm-in-arm as Lacus sang a slow love song that somehow made her tears force themselves out of her eyes.

As she stood there, looking back to where he disappeared, the wind making her shiver involuntarily in her thin white dress, she felt her heart die that very moment.

_I am doing the right thing. I will marry Sai and forget about fleeting feelings about a guy who came back from the dead after ten years only to make me feel these unstable emotions when in reality he doesn't even care... This is what I've always wanted and nothing could ruin this for me... _

_I am doing the right thing..._

She wiped at the few tears threatening to drop down her cheeks just in time before Sai came back out, a serious look on his face, but was somewhat relieved, probably because he saw Dearka was no longer there. But she knew that look. It was reserved for the special occasions when she disappointed him. It promised a talking-to later in the car...

Sighing, she shook her head and stood on tiptoe the moment he came to her side, then planted a small kiss on his cheek. "Hi. I missed you... "

_I am doing the right thing, dammit!_

_**

* * *

**_

Of course, the small kiss she gave did not get her out of the expected talking-to once they were in Sai's car.

Her fiancé was sitting on the driver's seat, his arms resting on the steering wheel, eyes staring straight ahead. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Miriallia stared at him questioningly, pretending she did not understand what he was talking about. "Didn't tell you what?"

"That you met with him two days ago." Sai scratched his forehead irritably. "Or even just the fact that he's here."

She shrugged indifferently. "Why did I have to tell you? It's not like it's a big deal, Sai. So what if he's here?"

The man looked at her over his glasses like she was mad then took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. It annoyed Miriallia so much when he did that. It was like he was talking to a child. "Why did he come here? Can you tell me that at least?"

"There is nothing to tell. I don't know why he's here and I don't think it should be our business why he is in the first place."

In all honesty, she did not know why the heck she was defending the former Buster pilot. But maybe she was just really did not like it that Sai was suddenly harassing her with questions she did not have the answers to. She glared at him, a bit irritated. "What is wrong with you? The guy wasn't doing anything to you and was in fact congratulating us! And then you snap at him sarcastically. I think I know you are better than that, Sai."

He shook his head in frustration. "I'm a guy. I know these kinds of things. And I don't like it."

"You hardly know him."

"And I suppose you do?" Sai slapped his forehead in mock realization. "Of course! You've been mooning over him for the last two years we've been together!"

Miriallia was scandalized. "How could you speak to me that way? How could suddenly turn things around and point this at me?" Not knowing what else to do, she pushed open the door of the passenger seat and was about to jump out until Sai grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her from getting out.

"Mir, wait," he called out desperately. "I'm sorry. Please don't leave. I... dammit! I'm sorry!"

Miriallia turned to face him, watching his brow furrow seriously as he tried to search of the right words to say. She slowly shut the car door closed then leaned on the backrest, sighing. "Sai, what is going on with you? You aren't like this at all."

Her fiancé let go of her wrist and without warning, grabbed her and pulled her to him, enveloping her in a tight embrace.

Miriallia gasped, not out of surprise, but from the shock at how different she felt, compared to when Dearka embraced her. Slowly returning the hug, she rubbed the back of his neck and he groaned in her hair, nuzzling his face exactly where Dearka did earlier.

"I don't want to lose you... Not now... Not ever... I've been passive about so many things then, but not anymore. I've lost a lot by just sitting back and thinking that I'm not good enough a man to fight for the people that matter to me... I'm not going to lose anyone ever again... "

Miraillia bit her lip as she closed her eyes, understanding everything. Sai had been engaged when they were young to a girl named Fllay Allster... And... she ended up falling in love with someone else... And that someone happened to be Kira Yamato. Sai had told her of the story, of how broken he had been then, always telling himself that he could never compete... because he was not strong enough... She understood him completely.

And suddenly, she felt awful. She was guilty of thinking strange thoughts about Dearka not a few minutes ago... Shaking her head, she pulled back and stared at Sai's crumpled face. "Listen to me."

He looked back at her, his eyes moist behind those glasses of his.

She smiled as she slowly lowered those glasses by its bridge down to his chin with one finger. "You think too much. Everything will be okay. Everything will be fine."

Sai smiled that boyish smile she had so gotten used to over the years, and she watched as he pulled her closer, gently kissing her on the lips.

She closed her eyes and moaned as he parted her lips with his tongue, his hands making its way up and down her back, then finally resting at her hip. She tilted her head back as he trailed kisses down her slender neck, down to her collarbone, then to her bare shoulder. She giggled a bit as he began nipping her behind the ear, sending shivers down her spine.

_I wonder... Does Dearka kiss any better?_

Her eyes shot open at the thought. She was kissing her fiancé while thinking of another man! Laughing nervously, she pushed Sai back a bit then kissed his nose affectionately.

_I'll fix that..._

She poked him on the stomach, grinning devilishly. "Drive, Mr. Argyle. To my apartment, quick!"

Sai wriggled his eyebrows sensually as she pushed his glasses back up his nose. "You're wish is my command, Mrs. Arglye."

Trying to wrestle with the strange emotion that rose from the sudden name that popped into her head, she looked out the window and argued with herself.

_I am doing the right thing... dammit! I am!_


	5. Fate

**Chapter Five:**

**Fate**

* * *

_The grand essentials _

_Of happiness in this life _

_Are something to do, _

_Something to love,_

_And something _

_To hope for._

_- Joseph Addison_

* * *

He had a dream last night. A horrible dream that Miriallia and Sai were getting married and he had actually said congratulations.

But what scared him more was the reality that it _wasn't _a dream after all.

Miriallia _had _said she was getting married.

And he _had _said he was happy for them.

And that was the end of that.

A week had passed since that fateful night of many confrontations. Sai had been anything but friendly towards him, and Miriallia had undoubtedly stabbed him in the chest without her knowing it. If it weren't for Cagalli's errands he had been asked to supervise for her, he knew he would have gone completely crazy from the mere thought of them being together out there somewhere, while he was here, helping a very cranky and moody princess in Morgenroete for more political crap, miserably contemplating on what he had gotten himself into.

"These mobile suits are eating up all our funds which could be allotted for better projects," Cagalli muttered under her breath as she looked over the towering machines lined up neatly in the hangar of the underground part of the base. Pushing up the overly large hardhat off her forehead, she sniffed. "Why the heck do they insist on keeping these, anyways?"

Dearka, who was in orange overalls and a hardhat of his own over his head, looked over the papers in his hands and sighed. "According to the records, _you_ asked them to maintain these. You even passed a written order to do it."

Cagalli blinked at his revelation. "I did?"

"Yes."

She fell silent for a bit before frowning. "I see." With that, it was her turn to sigh. "What do you think about it?"

This made the former Buster pilot look up to the war machines only to frown along with her and shake his head. "I honestly think you should consult Erika Simmons about these things. I am the last one you should ask about it."

Cagalli had been dragging him along to too many places and to too many errands that it was starting to get too obvious that she knew of Miriallia's and Sai's marriage plans. He had told Athrun that very same night when he found out about it, and his friend hadn't said anything.

Of course, Dearka had drowned his sorrows in the local bar down town, drinking the night away with Athrun as his chaperone. Even Cagalli had made the effort of introducing him to a few girl friends of hers. All were pretty. All liked him too much.

But none of them was Miriallia.

And that made all the difference.

Cagalli took off her hardhat and smiled at him. "Can't you at least commend my efforts in distracting you from any possible negative thought lurking in your head right now?"

Dearka nodded soberly. "I commend your efforts, Cagalli. I really am distracted. But honestly, why did you take me here? I'm sure that it is more than just the favor of asking me what I think of your projects because I know that _you _know that I have no idea what to do about them."

This had her stumped. "You're right," she said in resignation. The confession came out of her after a meaningful glare from him. "I wanted you to meet a friend of mine."

_Oh, no. Not again..._

"I'm sure that she's the greatest discovery since sliced bread," he said dryly, trying to keep his face straight. This was the ninth time this week. The ninth! "Cagalli, why are you doing this to me?"

The princess smiled innocently. "Doing what?" she asked.

"Arrange me with every single unmarried friend that you have, so long as she wears a bra."

This made her slap her forehead in frustration. "Who said anything about a girl?"

_Oh, God... _

Dearka maintained the calm expression on his face. "You're introducing me to a _man_, then? You sure you want to live long enough for your wedding?"

This did not amuse Cagalli. "His name is Glenn Niare. He is the Chief Engineer I assigned on the creation of _Heliopolis II_ along with Sai. He stays up in space for months at a time, coming down only for restocking on equipment, but aside from that, he practically lives up in the newly constructed colony, conducting a few safety tests before we open it up for the masses. Sai only comes up there once in a while to check up on things. After all, it was his design and proposal. But guess what?"

He did not want to know, but he knew Cagalli would insist that he learn of it anyway. "What?"

"His wife called yesterday and broke the wonderful news that she was in the hospital and ready to give birth to their first-born son. He rushed out of there and flew back down to Earth the moment he heard of this. I heard from Miriallia that Sai was willing to fill in for him for the next week or so."

Dearka felt sweat pop up on his forehead. "Why are you telling me this?"

She smiled. "Sai is not here. Talk to Mir while you have the chance."

No. This was not happening to him. It can't possibly be happening to him. "Cagalli, are you crazy?"

She smiled even more sweetly. "No. Or at least I don't think so." She nudged him playfully. "Come on. What harm would it do?"

A lot, he just knew it. He could barely control his feelings not even seeing her. What more if she was there right in front of him? She just looked so happy with her life right now. And she looked really excited about her wedding. He did not have the heart to talk to her, simply for that delusion that Cagalli was building inside his brain that he might, after all, have a chance.

Shaking his head and as much as possible avoiding the princess' gaze, he looked up into the nearest mobile suit, pretending he was checking it out. "I don't want to make things any more complicated as it is." He looked down at her with a warm smile, trying to convince himself that what he was going to say was true. "I came here to see her, Cagalli. To see if what I've been feeling for her for the last ten years was nothing more than an unsatisfied curiosity, whether or not I would still feel the same way once I finally do get to meet her." And the next thing that came out of his mouth was the greatest lie he had ever told. "I'm not in love with Miriallia anymore... And as far as I see it, she never had feelings for me to begin with. I'm happy for her, really. So that ends that."

And the most unexpected thing suddenly happened. Cagallis raised her right hand, and with a vengeance slapped it right smack into his cheek, making him stagger back from the pressure.

Gasping in surprise, Dearka stared at the princess with wide lavender eyes and blinked a few times to focus his vision. "Cagalli?"

She held his gaze with fiery amber eyes and her mouth twisted into an ugly frown. "You lie."

"I do not."

"Liar!" she yelled loudly, advancing towards him a step, making him back away in fright. "You know what, Dearka? I know that it might look like I'm not happy that Miriallia is getting married, but I honestly have nothing against Sai. I think that he will totally take care of Mir and is a responsible and very able man. Both of them have become utterly close to me. But... " she hesitated a bit, then continued. "But what about you? What about _your _feelings? All I was ever hoping for was for you to put your heart to rest by finally telling her how you feel, regardless of what's going to happen afterwards. This way, you won't be looking back at this day, saying to yourself, 'I wish I had done this'." She held him tightly on the shoulder, making Dearka look away at the intensity of her stare. "Dearka? Look at me, and swear by the name of everything that you hold dear, that you do not love her, and I will never ask about Miriallia again. I promise."

Dearka felt his heart skip a beat as he slowly lowered his eyes to meet hers, and his mouth opened and closed, but he could not swear by the name of everything that he holds dear. Because he knew why. He shook his head. "I can't swear by the name of Miriallia, Cagalli... "

The remark made the princess' lips break into a small but relieved smile. "I knew it, Dearka. I knew it all along."

Dearka shrugged her hold on him. "All right. I won't deny it. I have feelings for Miriallia. Which is the reason why I am staying away. She's… " It hurt him to say it… It really did. "But I want her to be happy. So forget it. I'm not going to ruin her life-long dream simply because I want her for myself… "

Cagalli could change the conversation as smooth as sandpaper. "Okay. Let us drop it then. I need to ask you to do something for me."

"You know I love you and I respect you a lot, Cagalli. But may God help me if you're going to introduce me to another female friend of yours."

She giggled. Women... they were so confusing... "No. I need you to pick up the proposed design of my wedding dress from Carmela's down town."

Dearka irked, feeling his left eye twitch involuntarily. "What?"

"Please? Athrun and I are off to go visit Reverend Malchio for the wedding preparations. I need your help with this. Will you do it?"

The former Buster pilot wanted to shoot himself then and there. "Sure."

Cagalli squealed happily, her amber eyes lighting up in delight, and Dearka couldn't help but chuckle in spite of himself. "Thank you! I owe you one!"

* * *

Miriallia felt her brain swimming in the hollow recessed of her skull as she rolled over on her bed and tried to reach for her too-loud ringing phone. She knew it was going to be Sai. It ate her alive, the annoying fact that the man seemed to have completely lost track of time since he started working up in space. For the past three days, he would call her at six in the morning, sounding very happy and perky that it should be banned.

She was right. It really was Sai, and he just called in to ask if she was already awake and to have a nice day ahead of her with the preparations of their upcoming wedding. Trying very hard not to sound sleepy, she said everything was going to be fine and that yes, she will try to have a nice day ahead of her

Of course, she was really not looking forward to anything today. Ever since Sai left for _Heliopolis II_, she had been plagued by thoughts of a chiseled, bronze face framed by wavy blond hair, and lavender eyes that seemed to be deeper than anything she had ever seen in her life. As much as she tried to push those forbidden thoughts out of her consciousness, she could not help but end up thinking about him more.

_Dearka..._

Not only once had she thought what he was doing in Orb, debating to herself whether or not she was the reason, and if she weren't, then what? Who?

Scolding herself slightly for once again letting her think of him while her fiancé was away, she pushed herself out of bed, remembering that she had a scheduled appointment at Carmela's for her wedding gown fitting. She was really looking forward to this one. At least after this specific day, that would be out of the way...

_All I have to worry about is the cake, the invitations, flowers... It goes on and on and on... _

_And on and on and on..._

What sucks is that she had to do everything by herself, with her husband-to-be up there in the colony playing spaceman. While in normal circumstances, the woman would have been close to exploding at the knowledge that their man had inevitably abandoned her to do all the preparations for a rushed wedding in a month, she was quite happy that things had turned out this way.

Not that she did not enjoy having Sai around, but she knew that the decision-making would have been twice as hard with two totally opposite people doing the thinking. They had argued about it too much, the mere venue of the wedding. Miriallia had wanted to have a quiet garden wedding, maybe a few family and friends over, a modest reception, that was it. Sai, on the other hand, wanted it to be grand. Ever since he had gained quite a name in the industry of Engineering and Robotics, he had always wanted the best of everything. Which really, Miriallia had no qualms. He, after all deserved it. Now, although this had been an obvious change, none of Sai's sincerity had faded over the years. He just happened to be really successful now...

Showering and getting ready to go out, Miriallia called Cagalli as she knew that the Princess had an appointment with Carmela's along with her, only to get the answering machine.

_"Hello! This is Cagalli!"_

_"And Athrun!"_

_"Please leave a message for us and we will call you as soon as we can!"_

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!_

Milly replaced the phone back and snickered mildly, not bothering to leave a message. She had always found their answering machine cute. But since no one answered, she assumed Cagalli had already gone to the wedding planner. Nodding as she grabbed her purse and keys on top of the refrigerator, she was out of her apartment in a hurry.

Carmela's was empty when she got there. Looking through the gaps of the posh mannequins in front of the display window, she could only see a man wearing worn-out jeans and a rumpled jacket slouched on the whimsical sofas in the lobby, his head leaning back on the backrest, a wedding magazine thrown over his head, completely obscuring his face from view. Miriallia assumed he was a husband-to-be bullied by his fiancée to wait on her while she fits tons of wedding dress samples in the inner dressing rooms.

Sighing slightly as she pushed the door, causing the small chimes to tinkle gently, she entered the odd-smelling lobby of the wedding planner, Carmela's, parlor. Afraid that the man could be asleep and she didn't want to wake him up, she tiptoed silently and settled on the couch beside him, leaning back and waiting for Carmela – she had honestly no idea what the woman looked like – to finally come and accommodate her. She tried to act calm and look around her, making herself busy at looking at the numerous photos on the light pink walls of the lobby.

She smiled sadly as she saw one particular picture of a beaming woman in a gorgeous wedding dress in the arms of an equally happy man in a tuxedo. Both looked happy, both looked like they were sure of their decision to finally tie the knot...

Looking away, she felt her cheeks heat up as lavender eyes flashed through her mind's eye. No! Why on earth was she thinking this way? Shaking her head, she once again let her eyes wander.

And then she found herself looking at the man sitting next to her. Familiar blond locks poked from under the magazine. She narrowed her eyes and peered a little closer, blinking hard as she felt her heart start to race a million miles per second as she caught a whiff of the man's scent. He smelled familiar...

And her breath caught in her throat as the man shifted his position, causing the magazine to slide off his face, revealing the last thing she had wanted to see at the moment, because she had been dreaming about it for so long now.

There, sitting right next to her, sleeping in the pink lobby of a wedding planner's parlor, his eyes closed contentedly, eyelashes flickering gently as if he were dreaming – of what, she wondered? – was Dearka Elthman.

Swallowing hard, Miriallia backed away in a hurry, not knowing if she should dart out of there now. What on Earth was he doing here?

She found herself having a hard time breathing. Her hands and fingers trembled as she fought the urge to reach out and touch his face, run her fingers through his long hair... She could not believe how much she loved to stare at him then at the same time look away. He looked like a child...

Slowly, gently, afraid that she might wake him, her right hand shakily reached out to brush an unruly lock of hair out of his face. But even before she could accomplish her harmless act, Dearka's eyes opened in a snap, grabbed her by the wrist with the reflexes of the ZAFT soldier that he is. In one swift move, his other hand grabbed her by the shoulder, slammed her down so hard on the couch, his weight pressing down on her, letting a wild growl escape his throat, she could not even let out a protest.

Just then, when her frightened eyes met his alert ones, his face immediately scrunched up in confusion. "Miriallia?"

_My God, he's strong..._

She nodded her head wordlessly, breathing hard as his weight bore down on her. She felt her cheeks burn at the realization of having him on top of her...

_How will it feel like to have you near me like this at night...?_

At the mere thought, she almost wanted to kick herself. Trying to think of a way to make small talk –remarkably not asking him to get off of her, and he too did not look like he had any plans of doing so – she laughed nervously. "Hello."

He blinked a couple of times, then even before he could open his mouth to speak, someone to their far right cleared her throat loudly, making Dearka jump off of her in a hurry. Much to her dismay...

_Why on Earth am I disappointed? Dammit!_

A small, pudgy old woman in flamboyant clothes stared down at them, an amused look on her kindly face at the sight of them hastily gaining a three-feet distance in a flash. "Ah, a couple ready to settle down?"

Miriallia could not believe her ears. "Excuse me?"

_Me? And Dearka? _

The Buster pilot looked flabbergasted, and Miriallia could not believe the strange degree of annoyance to see Dearka look uncomfortably at the lady's assumption.

Straightening up and fixing her already rumpled blouse, she shook her head. "Oh, no. You're greatly mistaken. He's not... I mean, we're not... "

She saw the former Buster pilot glance at her briefly, an unreadable expression in his eyes. Then he spoke. "I'm here to pick up the proposed designs of the Princess' wedding dress for the Zala-Attha Wedding," he said. Then he looked over at Miriallia as if encouraging her to state her reason.

"Uh, well," she stammered, then continued slowly. "I'm here to get my measurements taken for my wedding dress... For the Argyle-Haww Wedding... "

The lady stared at them both, as if in doubt of what they were saying. "Okay," she said after a while. "I am Carmela. Pleased to meet you. We have three brides in there getting theirs fitted so do you mind waiting for a bit? It will be but a few minutes more."

Miriallia and Dearka both shook their heads wordlessly. After one more suspicious look from Carmela, she finally left them to their silent and utterly uncomfortable state of having Dearka tackle her onto the sofa out of mere instinct of having been on guard as a soldier.

Miriallia stared down at her hands and tried to think of something witty to say. She was beside the man that has been making her nights restless, unwittingly making her think of him even when sleeping next to her husband-to-be.

She jumped when he was the first one to speak. "I'm sorry for tackling you that way. My subordinates up in PLANT had pretty much learned the same way, when they tried to deliver coffee to my office while I was asleep."

This made her blink at him questioningly. She had always remembered him to be quite reckless and very cocky, the last time she saw him. He was so young then, always the smart-aleck. It was a wonder, really, how ten years could change a man so much. Now, it seemed like he was always wary with whatever he was going to say.

_He really is older, wiser. But for what?_

He smiled at her with that insolent mouth of his, making his serious face appear boyish, and for a brief second, she saw a glimpse of how she used to see him; a boy. "You weren't hurt, were you?"

She shook her head hurriedly. It surprised her, the desire to just keep on staring at him. "I was just surprised. I was not expecting to see you here."

He chuckled warmly. "You and me both. Cagalli asked me to be her proxy. Said she and Athrun were off to see Reverend Malchio for the ceremony. Couldn't say no to her. She looked too happy."

She laughed, too. She knew all too well how convincing the Princess could be. "I suppose she is very excited about the wedding. She has been looking forward to this for so long." She looked over to him, intently trying very hard to read what he was thinking.

Just about now, she would give almost everything to know.

* * *

His heart was racing. She looked so damn good to him that it was starting to hurt, as he knew that even as much as he desired to touch her face as her eyes – those lovely, lovely eyes – caressed his face, he knew he did not have the right to. Her familiar strawberry scent was driving him crazy… How could she be so calm and look at him like that when he was a basket case?

He turned his face away from her and stared at the ceiling. "It seems like she's not the only one, huh? Here to get your measurements for your dress?"

She nodded, shifting a bit next to him. "I am. Sai isn't here. He's up in space for work, and he'll be back in a week. I'm left with all the dirty work." She giggled softy. "Out of spite, I'll make our motif pink. He hates pink."

The mere act of her saying his name made him madly uncomfortable. She sounded so happy, so eager to get married. He could not believe he was still there, taking everything in. As much as he tried to lie to himself, he knew that deep down, he was hurting badly.

He had to get out of there fast! Cagalli will have to get her dress proposals later in the day. He just can't sit there next to her while she rubbed it in his face that she was going to get married to a man that was not him.

He was about to announce to her that he was leaving when she suddenly leaned forward and placed a hand on his knee. His senses burst to life at that small contact. He was one big nerve.

"Say… Er… Since we're here together, maybe you'd like to go out for some coffee later? After our appointment? If you're not busy, that is…?"

He could not believe his ears. She had just asked him out. For coffee. Just the two of them.

Suddenly, he was torn in two. His mind was screaming at him, telling him to run far away, while his heart was telling him to go for it.

That heart… it was such a stubborn, stubborn thing indeed.

He nodded slowly. "Um, sure. I'm not busy."

With that, she smiled after letting out a huge sigh of relief. For a moment there, he actually thought she seemed happy that he agreed. But then again, one of the things that made him love her so mush was her politeness… She was just being polite. She always has been. He did not want to get too ahead of himself by thinking that she actually would like to go out with him.

"Great. Maybe we can catch up on the ten years we've been apart." She sounded so jolly, and it was starting to make him feel even more miserable. She tilted her head to the right while folding her hands neatly on her lap. "I bet you've had lots of girlfriends up in the PLANTs. Any plans of getting married, too?"

His eyes widened at her question, making his mouth drop open. He recovered quickly, then laughed a bit. "Lots of girls up there, yeah. But plans of getting married, no… "

She stared at him in disbelief. "Why's that?"

_Because it wouldn't be with you._

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "I don't think that's the life for me."

He was such a bad liar… He had always dreamed of getting married. But unfortunately, he was dreaming of only one girl he wanted to get married to.

And she was sitting right next to him, getting ready to fit her wedding dress, and the groom was not even him…


	6. I Would Love to Love You

**Chapter Six**

* * *

_I would love to love you..._

_**

* * *

**_

Dearka started an intent examination of the contents of that stout mug sitting in front of him on the little round table they had taken in front of the coffee shop downtown. Thoughts of Cagalli laughing gaily at his malleability flashed through his mind's eye, making the muscles on his left cheek twitch involuntarily. The half-hour of waiting for Miriallia get her measurements had seemed like half an eternity to him, especially when thoughts of her in a wedding gown had flooded his brain, along with her in the arms of another man.

He looked up from his coffee when he saw her stuff her mobile phone in her bag after checking out if she had any messages.

_Probably from her fiancé... _

And with that thought, Dearka wondered for the millionth time that day what the heck he was doing there, sitting in front of the soon-to-be-married woman of his dreams, having coffee. It was like self-imposed torture.

"I can't believe this!" Miriallia grumbled under her breath, making him sit up, very much aware of her anxiety. He watched as she ran a slender hand through her lovely, lovely hair and then yanking it violently, making him wince.

"What is it?" Dearka asked, thumbing the side of the mug nervously.

She took a deep breath, obviously trying to regain composure. "My appointments... " She hesitated a bit before continuing as if quite unsure whether or not to tell him about it. Shaking her head in frustration, she let her hand drop to the table, making her own mug teeter dangerously to the right.

Out of instinct, Dearka's own hand darted quickly to stop it from toppling over, only to find Miriallia's hand doing the same thing. He felt his whole face heat up when he found his fingers touching the back of her hand she used to save her mug. He pulled back hastily, muttering a small apology.

Miriallia did not look the least bit concerned. She had a small frown on her pretty little mouth, her eyebrows knitting furiously, making her forehead scrunch up in the most adorable way the former Buster Pilot had ever seen. "My appointments are piling up. I can't believe I have to do these things all by myself!" She rubbed her forehead briskly, as if attempting to straighten the creases on her face. "I've received a message for my hair and make-up, the caterer, the bakery, and the flower shop!"

Dearka blinked. "Err... all at the same day?"

"All at the same day," she concluded, somehow paling a bit. She opened her mouth to say something, then suddenly changed her mind. "Oh, God I'm sorry for rambling like this." She leaned forward intently, her eyes meeting his levelly, making Dearka look away. "So enough about me. Tell me all about yourself. How have you been for the past ten years?"

The question caught the blonde Coordinator by surprise even if she had been starting a conversation with that same question for the past thirty minutes or so. "Oh, well the past ten years have been fine for me." Dearka had answered that question with the same answer, too. "I've been promoted from position to position till I reached the council itself..."

She nodded, as if hearing this for the first time. "Ah, good! Good!" She looked at him for a moment, paused for a second too long, and then and there, Dearka saw a small sparkle in those blue eyes that had not been there before. The next question that came out of Miriallia's mouth almost made him fall off his seat. "What brings you down here on Earth then? You are in the council, right? Doesn't Yzak need help?"

Taking a huge gulp of his coffee, Dearka racked his brain for a creative lie to tell her. She just can't – _CAN'T_ – know why he was there in the first place. "I wasn't happy with my life in the military. There just had to be... "

_There just had to be more to my life than just dreaming..._

He sighed. "There just had to be something more for me than that job. So I'm out here in search of it. "

Maybe it was just him, but for a split second, he could have sworn he saw disappointment in those pretty eyes of hers.

She nodded at him again, finally tearing her penetrating gaze from his face, finally making him breathe easier. "I know what you feel. I feel the same way sometimes. I would find myself simply asking myself if there is more to life than just this." She gestured aimlessly at her surroundings, laughing a bit. "There has to be more to it than just dreaming..."

Dearka's head jerked up suddenly. She looked at him, startled. He shook his head. "Sorry. It was just... something you said... Forget it... " Could it be that she was feeling exactly what he was feeling?

_But even if she did, would it have mattered? _

He unconsciously bit his lower lip. No it couldn't have mattered. He had waited ten years, and now it was all too late. She was getting married, and the chances of her falling in love with him and breaking it off with Sai Argyle, the man who had been there for her when she needed him the most, were more than slim... And he had no one to blame but himself. Perhaps, if he hadn't waited this long... Perhaps if he had visited her over the years... Maybe dropped by once in a while... Maybe... maybe things would have been a lot different.

Dearka looked up when Miriallia let out a pleasant gasp. He found her staring at something behind him, and instinctively, he looked over his shoulder and his eyes immediately widened at the sight of Kira Yamato and Lacus Clyne walking towards them.

He could still not get over how Kira had changed over time. He had seen Lacus often times before, dropping by the PLANTs, and so her apparent evolution from the young, naive girl from long ago to the mature, sophisticated lady now was not a surprise. He had heard that she was starting a new recording career on Earth. But Kira... it had been a while since he had heard from him, or about him, except from the news Yzak had been feeding him.

But all in all, Dearka had never seen Kira look so good. He and Lacus were not holding hands, but with the way their arms brushed against each other while they walked modestly side by side, the former Buster pilot could not help but smile to himself at the realization that they actually looked perfect together. Kira, like Athrun, had grown a lot over the years. Perhaps a few inches taller than Athrun himself, he towered over the pink-haired princess, who was in fact a relatively tall woman herself but looked even taller the way she stood, back straight and chin held high. They made such a handsome couple, Kira and Lacus. It was the first time within the week that he had actually seen them together. It was either Kira or Lacus, but never the both of them at one place. He had assumed that they had been avoiding each other, but seeing them now, he was slightly pleased to know that they were not.

When he saw Lacus wave at them, he automatically stood up along with Miriallia, who immediately hugged Lacus, then Kira.

"Oh, God. How are you guys?" Miriallia rasped. "I've been wanting to reach both of you..."

Dearka shook hands with Kira the moment Miriallia pulled away from him, then nodded politely at Lacus. "Hello there." He honestly didn't know what else to say... That was the problem with not even keeping in contact with the people you have fought for your life with. There were just so many things to say, but you tend to not know how to start.

"You seem all right, Dearka," Kira said as he pulled a chair for Lacus. She smiled her never-changing smile and sat down. Dearka awkwardly scratched his head, wondering if he should do the same thing for Miriallia, but momentarily felt stupid when he saw her pull back her own chair and started to talk to Lacus in a hushed whisper.

Kira smiled at him ruefully, as if understanding that girls simply had to talk in hushed whispers, then he gestured for them to take their own seats. All the while, Dearka did nothing but observe Kira's every move. He looked...different... relaxed... at peace... Except for the obvious way he had his chin lowered, the way he looked at everything through his eyelashes and long brown bangs, Dearka wouldn't have guessed he had been to therapy. The wary Gundam Pilot he had remembered in him was gone. Yes, he looked definitely at peace.

"Dearka, how are you?" Lacus suddenly asked. Her melodious voice was deep and clear, unmistakably a singer in all aspects. The only thing that never changed in her was the way she titled her head to the right whenever she talked or found something amusing. "So you were bullied by Cagalli to do her errands for her?"

Kira laughed and shook his head disapprovingly. "You shouldn't have let Cagalli push you around or she will walk all over you. It's a miracle how Athrun can stand her. Or how he can tame her. She hasn't changed much at all."

This made Miriallia giggle, making his skin tingle at the hearing her laugh. "Well, she seems to be very happy with the way things were going."

Kira smiled at Milly. Dearka could remember that Kira and Milly had been friends for so long now. "So I would assume that you met Dearka while he was running the errands for Cagalli?"

Miriallia's eyes widened at what he said. "Why, yes. How did you know?"

Lacus laughed a rich laugh. "Athrun told us that Cagalli made Dearka do it right before they left for Reverend Malchio earlier. Cagalli seemed mighty satisfied then for some weird reason."

Dearka felt his face heat up at the mention of this. Oh, God he hoped Miriallia wouldn't realize that Cagalli had done this because she wanted him to talk to the future-Mrs. Argyle so that he can tell her he loved her. It just sounded so wrong... It was like deliberately wanting to stop a marriage from happening...

_But isn't that what I want?_

From across the table he watched Miriallia lean forward to say something to Lacus, her eyes closing sweetly as she laughed, her lips parting to reveal straight white teeth, showing a dimple that he hadn't realized was there before on her left cheek. It was a wonder how he could have missed something this beautiful from her face, and yet he could not believe the intensity of the gladness he felt at the new discovery. It was as if he felt like he was going to find more discoveries about her every single day.

At this thought, he didn't even realize that he was smiling idiotically at the thought.

_**

* * *

**_

Miriallia sat back down as Lacus and Kira turned the curb and out of sight from their table. She breathed a sigh of relief at the reality that Kira was finally getting his life back together, and that Lacus was in it. She had always wanted them to get together. For some weird reason she had always believed Lacus was good for him. The pink-haired princess had always been there to help the former Freedom pilot with his hang-ups. It was a breath of fresh air to see Kira smiling now every time he would look at the songstress. He needed to smile more. A lot more.

"Will you look at that." Dearka turned from looking over his shoulder, his eyes once again resting on her face. Miriallia smiled and took a sip of her coffee in an attempt to cover the blush that rose to her cheeks from the mere glance of the handsome man sitting in front of her, oblivious of the raging feelings she had in her. Butterflies the size of foxes fluttered inside her stomach, swimming along with the huge amounts of liquid she had drunk. It was awful.

Maybe coffee wasn't such a good idea… She felt like throwing up then and there.

"I have never seen Kira look so… at peace. Maybe I should see his doctor," he said, shrugging his shoulders and once again playing with his mug in between his palms.

Miriallia laughed weakly, recognizing the joke and trying to think of something witty to add to it. "You would probably need more than a doctor, Dearka." She leaned forward, suddenly remembering something they were talking about earlier. "You had to have been crazy, turning down that promotion without so much as a reason why." She bit her lower lip, finally getting to stop herself before she went on. Her mind had been on this issue for hours already, ever since they sat down for coffee.

She was not going to lie to herself. She was absolutely dying to know what the heck had driven Dearka Elthman back to Earth. Out of curiosity or out of sheer stubbornness, she did not know. All she wanted was to find out why he was here.

Even if she did not know what she would do once she knew the answer.

His reaction to her comment, however, surprised her. He merely leaned back on his seat, a detached expression on that chiseled face as he examined something on the blue sky above them. "I guess everyone is crazy, when it comes to love…"

Miriallia blinked her eyes rapidly, her breath catching in her throat at what she just heard. _Love? _Did she hear right? Trying to act as if she didn't care, she laughed a bit, even if she did not feel the least bit like laughing. "Ah so you are in love?"

With this, she saw Dearka's head snap back into reality as his eyes whirled to meet hers. Eyes as big as saucers. "Wha-what makes you say that?"

Now this confused Miriallia to no end. "You just told me that everyone is crazy, when it comes to love… So I assumed you were in love… "

And now that she had mentioned it out loud, it was then did she feel that most hated feeling she could ever feel in this reality. She felt jealous. And she hated it…

She tried to cover the feeling by smiling and doing the exact same opposite of what she felt. She egged him on. "What a lucky girl. So is she in Orb?"

And for a second there, she could have sworn Dearka actually looked scared. It was there for about half a second, but was gone so fast that Miriallia had to ask herself if she really had seen it. How could this man do that? How could he feel so composed like the soldier that he is when she was such a nervous reck? It was extremely unfair. But then again, life never was fair.

Dearka paused for a bit before nodding, making her heart jump to her throat. "Yes. She is in Orb… "

And the world crashed down under her feet. She forced a laugh too loud to her ears. "Oh, my God! That is wonderful! So that's why you came here!"

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Er, yes. I left the military to be with her… But… "

She was such a masochist. She was so much a masochist! "How wonderful! So tell me… Who is this lucky girl?"

His eyes that had been looking almost everywhere but her since he confessed that he came back down to earth because of a girl, finally grazed her face. And at that instant, Miriallia felt everything around her freeze up, and everything went silent. The trees, the cars, the wind. Everything stopped. His mere gaze can stop time from moving… And her heart from beating…

She was drowning. Simply drowning in those lavender pools as he leaned forward on the table, resting his hands palms down on the surface as if bracing himself from the revelation, and Miriallia felt herself leaning forward too, afraid that she might miss whatever he was going to say.

"Her name…" he started. "Is - "

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!_

Miriallia jumped as she felt her cell phone vibrate against her ribs, making her squeal loudly like a banshee.

Dearka, who also jumped along with her, was as pale as a sheet

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!_

Miriallia tried to catch her breath as she dug into her bag after giving Dearka an apologetic gaze. Finally reaching for the phone, she pressed the answer button and gasped a hurried "Hello?"

It was Sai.

Her heart dropped to the asphalt then and there.

"_Hi, Mir!" _Came her future-husband's excited voice from the other end of the line.

"Sai, hello… " she said, cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder as she shot Dearka a "just a minute" look.

"_Don't sound so happy to see me or anything," _Sai said, laughing loudly.

Milly forced a laugh and once again flashed Dearka a glance, but was mildly disappointed when she saw him sitting back on his chair, looking up once again at the sky as if it contained the mysteries of life. She quickly looked away and tried to regain composure. "I am. So how are you?"

"_Still the same old me." _He laughed again, then added in a hushed whisper. _"I've missed you."_

Now it was her turn to laugh quite nervously. "I have too, Sai. So why are you calling? Is there anything you need?"

"_Not really. I just wanted to hear your voice and to check up on you. How are things going on with the preparations?"_

"Preparations?"

"_Wedding preparations, Mir. Are you sure you're ok?"_

She let out another hoarse laugh. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"_I don't know. You sound preoccupied."_

She looked at Dearka in the corner of her eye. He was still looking up at the sky. "It's been a rough day. Everyone seems to be setting an appointment at the same day. It's just so hard doing it alone."

"_I'm sorry I can't be there… Do you really need me? Maybe I can ask for at least a day or two off?"_

The selfless gesture made Miriallia feel a little better… until her eyes fell once again on the man sitting right in front of her, making the butterfly-foxes in her stomach swim around all over again. "No, Sai. That won't be necessary. I can do it. Besides, you volunteered for that job. You can't slink away from it just because of me."

"_But…"_

"Sai," she said dangerously, pretty much how she does it when he was being stubborn. "Stay there. I'll be fine."

"_You sure?"_

"Sai!"

He laughed. _"All right, all right! I understand. Just take care of yourself all right?"_

"I will Sai. You too."

"_Bye."_

"Bye." She pressed the cancel button on her phone and shook her hear ruefully before turning to Dearka, who had finally lost interest in looking at the sky. "I'm so sorry about that. So where were we?"

She could not believe the disappointment she felt at the sight of him picking up his mug and draining the last drops of his coffee. What she couldn't believe was that the disappointment grew even further when she was him stand up and scratch his head slightly, as if he didn't know what to do.

"Listen, I have to go and… and tell Cagalli I've done her errand." He smiled down at her with that reserved smile of his, then gestured at the table with his hand. "Thanks for the invitation. But I really have to get going."

Miriallia hurried to her feet and awkwardly shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, I see. Well, it was nice talking to you again. I'll see you around, all right?"

He nodded slowly, shifting his weight from one foot to another as if hesitating to say something. Finally, he took a deep breath then turned around to leave. "Yeah. You too."

_He is in love with someone else… He came down to earth to be with her… And oh God I'm getting married…_

And for all that she was worth, she watched him walk away, observing his retreating form that reminded her so much of a wary tiger tired from pursuing its prey. She watched how his arms dangled loosely on either side of him, and how he swayed lazily with every step in some unheard music… And as her heart clenched painfully at the sight of his hair wave about at a gust of wind that blew from the east, she could not help but feel that as he walked away from her now, he was walking away from her forever.

But she could no longer help herself…

"Dearka," she called out, almost desperately.

And he stopped on his tracks and looked back at her with so much emotion in those lavender eyes of his that she almost thought that he was actually expecting her to stop him from walking away.

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

"What is it?" he asked hoarsely, so faint she almost didn't hear him.

She swallowed hard.

_I would love to love you…_

She shook her head. "Take care."

The emotion in those beautiful, beautiful eyes of his was like a candle being snuffed out. He let out another smile, then a shrug. "You too, Miriallia… You too… "

And with that, he resumed his walk…

Miriallia wanted to die…


	7. The Heart Cannot Lie

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

_The Heart Cannot Lie..._

_**

* * *

**_

"Now try to tell me again what happened, and this time, try not to break into song," Dearka said as he tried to pry away from Athrun's hand his seventh bottle of beer. Of course, Athrun wouldn't have it. He was really depressed. Which was driving the blond-haired boy nuts.

Apparently, he and Cagalli had a major fight. But trying to get the reason from the former Justice pilot was almost close to impossible.

"It… was yellow, you see? Yellow!" He babbled miserably as he tightened his grip on the bottle. "It wasn't pink, or anything that resembled pink…!"

Dearka scratched his head in confusion. Athrun was making no sense at all. Luckily, the bar they were in was empty, and except for the bartender who was stared at them with a dead look in his eyes as if he had seen this many times before, the two Coordinators were technically alone. "Pink what?"

Athrun raised his emerald-green eyes to his and Dearka cringed at the sight of him looking so crushed. "It was a yellow maternity dress, you see!"

Dearka almost fell out of his chair. "A _what_?"

"I bought my Cagalli a maternity dress… and it was Yellow… and my Cagalli screamed at me and told me she didn't like it at all, and she wouldn't let me sleep next to her…"

Dearka stared at his friend as if he had sprouted an extra arm on his forehead. Cagalli had been so moody the last few weeks, and he himself had seen the pressure Athrun had been under, and man, if he was in his shoes, he would have shot himself dead because of it. It was crazy. A pregnant Cagalli was ten times worse than the usual Cagalli…

The former Buster pilot sighed and slapped Athrun on the shoulder. "Aw, come on, Athrun. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Now come on. Your taxi has been waiting outside for fifteen minutes, and the meter is running. Cagalli is probably worried sick of you, and I still have to go pick up some stuff Cagalli wants me to take to Morgenroete early tomorrow morning."

With this, Athrun belched loudly and grumbled about something that concerned yellow submarines. Dearka slung the arm of his friend over his shoulder after tossing the bartender a few bills. It was a hard feat, even for him as Athrun's broad shoulders kept on bumping against his own. Getting him out of the bar was the easy part. Had Dearka not asked the help of the impatient cab driver, he knew he wouldn't have been able to toss his friend into the backseat of the taxi without hurting him. After giving the driver directions on where he should take the drunk Coordinator, he saw them off and sighed, chuckling a bit to himself and started walking the other way down the dark street towards the small office Erika had in Kaguya to pick up something Cagalli needed in Morgenroete. Unfortunately, now that Athrun was no longer keeping him preoccupied, he found himself lost in his own thoughts, and he did not like it one bit. Maybe this was the reason why he tried to be around people for the last week. There were so many things he's been avoiding his mind from wandering to. But some things, he wished he didn't have to do...

He had officially become Cagalli's personal errand boy, but at least it was keeping him sane. He still hasn't confessed to Miriallia his undying love for her. Not that it would have mattered. She seemed to have been really excited with her upcoming wedding day.

He felt his face scrunch up in pain at the thought of that day they had gone out for coffee. He did not know where he got the courage to actually want to tell her of the reason why he came back down to Earth. Of course, the moment was ruined because of an unexpected phone call from the other man.

Now everything would have been all right, actually. But somehow, he felt like as if Miriallia had been anticipating his answer… Maybe it was just him, but he actually thought that she looked mildly anxious when he told her he was in Orb because of a girl.

He crushed the idea immediately. He was through being optimistic. He had loved her from afar, even when he knew that he will not be getting anything out of it because she was already in love with someone else. Yet the human heart was annoyingly resilient. And it was eating him alive. He loved Miriallia Haww… And he didn't think he was going to stop loving her, even if she didn't feel the same. Yes, he was through being optimistic. It was time to be realistic. Miriallia was not going to know of his feelings for her if he didn't tell her himself.

And God help him, he actually was feeling quite confident about it. Or maybe it was because he knew that he was going to suffer one way or another. He had thought about it for the last few days. He didn't have anything to lose anyway.

He had already lost…

He was going to tell Miriallia he loved her the moment he saw her, and God help him more, he didn't care if she laughed at him and his confession…

_I love you, Miriallia._

_Why, that's sweet, Dearka. Thank you. Be my first child's godfather, all right?_

His heart contracted painfully.

"Err, hello?" A voice said from behind him.

Dearka whirled around at the sound of that familiar voice, all the blood draining from his face. There, standing right in front of him, a huge bag slung over her left shoulder and a curious expression on her face, was none other than Miriallia Haww…!

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" she asked him silently, shifting her bag comfortably on her shoulder and looked around. "You look a little dazed, too…"

He was not dazed. But he was close to be being one as he stared at her in that cute little pink skirt and flesh top. She had no make-up and her hair was arranged in a disheveled bun at the nape of her neck. She looked tired, but still Dearka could not believe how her beauty had magnified over the last week he had not seen her. And he could not believe how she could have such an effect on him, what with his tongue wanting to choke himself to death. Yet luckily, he managed to look civil and he hurriedly straightened up.

"I should be asking you the same thing," he said, shrugging nonchalantly, but deep down, he was shaking. She always did have that effect on him.

She grinned sheepishly. "I was on my way home from the baker. I'm so full of sample cakes that I feel like I'm going to explode." She bit her lower lip in the most adorable way anyone could and lowered her eyes. "But I loved the sweets."

This amused Dearka to no end. "So you have been indulging yourself to cake all day, have you?"

She nodded with a toothy grin, then groaned, her free hand flying to her stomach. "Now I feel like throwing up everything."

Worriedly, Dearka stepped froward, which he discovered to be a bad idea. His heightened senses immediately made him fully aware of the cologne she was wearing. It reminded him of apples and peaches. He tried to shove every single sensation to the back of his head and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?"

She nodded weakly, then let out a small burp, making herself giggle. "Too much cake." With that said, her eyes went to her shoulder where his hand was resting, then she gazed at him weirdly.

Dearka jerked his hand away, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to another. "Ah... err... maybe it would do you good to drink some green tea?"

Miriallia kept on staring up at him with that unreadable expression for a second too long, then shrugged, suddenly blushing a bit for some reason. "I was on my way to my apartment..." she said, now looking up at him shyly.

Dearka stood there, looking back at her uncertainly, feelings swimming in his heart, making him queasy. Now he needed some green tea, too. He had said he would tell Miriallia his feelings the moment he saw her, but dammit! He was not expecting to see her this soon!

Clearing his throat, he held out his hand and smiled what he hoped to be a confident smile. "Here, let me carry that bag for you and I'll walk you home. It's dangerous for a lady like you to walk all alone at this time of night."

For a brief moment, the woman's eyes lit up, conveying what appeared to be a positive reaction from his offer, but was immediately gone the moment she burped again, making both of them laugh.

"I'm so sorry!" she said in between chuckles while handing him her bag, which he discovered was relatively heavy. "I'm not going to order chocolate cake for the wedding, definitely!"

What was meant to be a joke made both of their laughter stop, as if the mention of the wedding ruined everything. But it was more than that to Dearka. It was a reminder that the woman he loved for so long now was going to belong to another man... And only he knew how much it was tearing him apart.

Slinging the bag over his shoulder with ease, he silently gestured for Miriallia forward. "Shall we?"

The small inquiry made her sigh in relief, once again for a reason the former Buster pilot did not know. "We shall."

And they made a silent pilgrimage down the block. It was an uncomfortable silence, which was the only silence they ever shared together anyway. But to Dearka, it didn't matter. So long as he could be near her, even if she was thinking of someone else, it was more than enough for him. He knew he could not get anything else from her. He was lucky enough to have her want to be near him at all.

"So," Miriallia started, making Dearka wince. It was pathetic, the way she was trying to make him feel more at ease. He felt like he was standing in full attention in front of Yzak when he was in a bad mood. "How was your week?"

Dearka shrugged, kicking a small stone on the sidewalk as they made a left turn to Miriallia's street. "Hectic. But nonetheless all right. You?"

She lowered her chin to her chest. "Ah, mine was... hectic, too." Long pause. "Err, so... " she started again.

Dearka stared at her in the corner of his eye. "Yeah?"

She swallowed hard, then spoke shakily. "How are you and the girl you told me about?"

Dearka missed a step, catching himself before she noticed, then laughed nonchalantly, trying to cover up the nervousness in his voice when he said, "She is having a hard time this week. Very busy." Well it was true. She just didn't have to know it was _her _he was talking about.

Just then, she stopped walking, her eyes raised to meet his and a pained expression on her beautiful face. Dearka stopped walking too, worried that she might be having a stomach ache, what with her scrunched up eyebrows. "Are you all right?"

She blinked a bit, then nodded hurriedly. "Ah, yes... Err... " She hastily pointed to the tall building standing right behind her, then smiled her small smile. "My place."

Dearka searched for the right words to say, hoping against hope that he will find something interesting to say to make their good-byes last a bit longer. He clutched the strap of her bag tightly, as if his hands were not ready to give it to her yet. "Ah, yes... You're place... So..."

She tilted her head to the right, leaning forward a bit as if waiting for him to say something too, an almost eager expression in her eyes. "Yeah?"

Dearka looked away, then to her, then away again. It was hopeless. He couldn't find a perfect word to tell her to keep her from going inside and leaving him to another day of suffering from the fact that he was madly, completely, insanely in love with her even if he knew he could not have her. Sighing in resignation, he handed the bag back to her, then smiled. "Have a good night."

_Dammit...!_

_**

* * *

**_

She looked at the bag he handed her with a heavy heart, biting her lower lip as she hesitantly took it back and slung it over her shoulder. She was such a coward... and a liar. And she was damn crushed from the fact that Dearka really was stuck on a woman, and she was really, really jealous that it was not her.

But then what right did she have to be? She herself was getting married. And Dearka was happy for her. Why can't she be happy for him, too?

She knew why... but she didn't have the heart to admit to herself or to anyone else the reason why...

She watched him run a hand through his hair, and she had to fight the urge to run a hand thought it, too.

"Uhm," he murmured, shrugging his broad shoulders at the long moment of silence between them. Miriallia knew he was going to walk away anytime soon...

And God help her, she did not think her heart could take it to watch him walk away from her again.

"Would you like to come in?" she blurted out without thinking, but lately found out that she was anticipating his answer.

At first, he looked shocked, but it lasted for about half a second before finally disappearing. His face slowly softened, reminding her of gently melting snow. She did not believe his face was capable of softening at all. He was all planes and angles...

"Sure," he said, so softly she almost didn't hear his answer.

Of course, she tried to act composed as she fiddled with her keys. After dropping it once and stuffing the wrong key three times, she finally managed to get the blasted door open and smiled wearily at the waiting Coordinator. "Please come in."

He watched her carefully before finally nodding, and both of them made their way inside her apartments. For once she was grateful she had cleaned a bit earlier in the day. Normally, everything was a mess, what with her busy schedule and her job at the school. Now it looked fairly welcoming, what with the living room presentably in order.

"Nice accommodations," Dearka said, letting out a low whistle of appreciation as his lavender eyes scanned the low black couch and the small love seats hugging the far wall, with large beanbag seats arranged here and there. "Very cozy." He crossed his arms over his chest. "But it's weird..."

Miriallia froze from the act of putting her bag down on the side table near the door that led to her bedroom. "What is?"

Dearka's eyes met hers meaningfully. "I don't see pictures of Sai anywhere."

The bag fell from the side table, making her jump in a hurry to retrieve it only to discover Dearka had beat her to it. He picked it up and placed it on the table again before straightening up and shrugging. "How is your stomach?"

Miriallia blinked. Now that he'd mentioned it, she sooner discovered that she was no longer feeling that sick, but simply because she was feeling a different kind of queasiness. The butterfly foxes were once again swimming in her stomach, devouring whatever undigested cake that was in there. She scratched the back of her head uncertainly. "I'm doing fine. Much better than earlier. Thank you."

This made him sigh in relief. "Ah, good."

But it did nothing to ease Miriallia's troubled mind. Now that she's realized it, she never did have Sai's pictures up on any part of her place. It never mattered to her before, but it annoyed her that it was Dearka, of all people, who noticed it. She found herself looking around and saw on the center table a few framed photos of her parents and Cagalli and her up in the mountains a year back. She could remember that there used to be a photograph of Tolle along with those which was now silently sitting in a box shoved at the back of her closet. She had spent majority of her youth mourning over men who had decided to leave her, and she had decided that she will mourn no more.

But it seemed like her life was going to be the same way as it started after the war; unhappy...

She gestured at the couch. "Have a seat."

He eyed her with that deadpanned expression of his, and for the first time that night, she felt strangely, strangely aware of him being there with her, alone in her apartments. And for the love of everything that she held dear, he looked so beautiful to her, standing there, looking back at her with those eyes that seemed to look deeper in the dim light of her living room lampshade. The way his jacket hung casually over his shoulders that went on forever, how his jeans fit his long legs, how his lovely hair brushed the collar of his shirt. God, he was so tall... She had seen him many times before since he arrived in Orb, but somehow, he looked different each time she saw him.

_Older... wiser... but not for me... Not for me..._

She could not help but frown at the thought of the strange feelings cascading down her heavy heart. And with this, Dearka moved a step forward, making her gasp, startled at his sudden advancement.

Waves of dizziness slammed against her as his faint scent filled her senses, making her fully aware of his proximity.

"Wha-what is it?" she stammered, slowly backing away involuntarily.

But he did not let her get away. His hand shot out and seized her by the shoulder, impressing upon her his strength. And the next thing that came out of his insolent mouth made the world around her stop turning.

"You don't love him, do you?" he asked, his hold on her tightening, so tight it was starting to hurt. But she did not care. The pain was welcoming. It was keeping her from passing out. His eyes blazed with so much emotion that Miriallia couldn't help but stare, speechless, until he demanded, "Answer me!"

Her mouth worked wordlessly, until she finally choked out an answer. "It doesn't have anything to do with love... He was there for me when I needed him the most, and he will always be there in the future."

He narrowed his eyes at her, assessing her every move, the mere blinking of her eyes, the twitching of her mouth, the small beads of sweat popping out of her forehead. What was happening to her? And what the heck does Dearka think this was getting to?

"You are not in love with him at all, and you are getting married to him. You are going to spend the rest of your life living a lie!" he declared incredulously.

Now the way he said it, Miriallia felt her face heat up in outrage. Shrugging her shoulders violently, she backed away from him and took refuge by the couch. "Who are you to talk to me that way! Who the hell do you think you are?" She wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "So what if I marry him for other reasons than love? I find security in him, and that is more than enough for me. I am sick and tired of falling in love, Dearka! I am sick and tired of falling in love only to find that man I fell in love with leaving me for some goddamned reason no one dares to tell me! I don't want to be alone anymore!" she screamed at him, unaware of the sudden tears freely falling down her cheeks.

This, however, made Dearka scoff. He made his way to the other side of the couch, crossing his own arms over his chest. "So that's how it's going to be? You are going through with this because you are a coward."

Miriallia's mouth dropped open in outrage. She could not believe this man was talking about cowardice when he did not even know half the meaning of courage! She sneered at him. "Ah, and I suppose you are entitled to tell me this? Who's the bigger coward here, Dearka? You were the one who's been running all throughout your miserable life. You ran away from ZAFT before when you were taken prisoner by the Archangel then, you ran away from your friends right after the war ended without saying goodbye, and you ran away from your job up in the PLANTs! You've been running and running and running like mad! Now tell me who's the bigger coward!"

Once again, this did not dampen his determination. He tossed his hair freely, then planted his hands on the back of the couch, leaning forward, a dark expression coming to his bronze face. "That's right, Miriallia. I ran. I'm a coward! I ran from ZAFT, and I ran from my friends, and I ran from my job. I keep on running, running for dear life, for so long that I know I have to stop running..." his face crumbled a bit, and his left hand flew to cover his eyes. "I'm so tired... "

Now this unexpected turn of events, with him suddenly lowering his defenses, Miriallia didn't know what to do, uncertainly wanting to go to his side and maybe comfort him, but she stood her ground, wiping at her wet cheeks and willing the tears to stop coming. Huffing, she spat out, "Then why don't you stop running?"

He simply shook his head, his eyes still hiding behind his hand. "I can't... "

"Why?"

And with that, he lowered his hand from his face. He was not crying, but his eyes – those lovely eyes – were red-rimmed. "Because of you..."

And Miriallia felt like the carpets were being pulled out from under her. She felt herself hyperventilating. She had to hold on the couch to keep her from toppling over. "What?"

All he could do was shake his head weakly. "I ran away from ZAFT, sided with the Archangel, because of _you_... I... had wanted to protect you... because you were fighting so hard, and I didn't know what else to do to make it up to you. I ran away from Kira and Athrun and everyone else without saying goodbye, because I was afraid of these feelings I was starting to have for _you_... Because I knew you were too good for me... and because I was a coward to face the possibility of rejection, that's why I never even bothered to contact you."

His knees buckled evidently, and he leaned on the couch for support. "But that wasn't enough... I had to run one final time, and I did. I ran away from my job up in the PLANTs, because I knew, deep down here – " he pounded on his chest with emphasis. " – I needed to see you... But I found out you were getting married, and God knows how much I wanted to run away again. But I'm tired... so damned tired... I couldn't run anymore... And so now... " He looked up at her again, making her heart ache as one lone tear tricked down his dark face. "I can't run, Miriallia. Not anymore... Because I love you... For the past ten years, I've gotten every single woman I can have, but not the one I really wanted. And that's _you_. I came back to Earth because of _you_. I wanted to tell you then, but you were so happy... you looked so happy getting ready for your wedding that I couldn't simply tell you... that I have always loved you... "

She could not move, she could not even breathe. All the while, she was being eaten alive by the jealousy, the curiosity about his return from space. All the while, she had been wondering what he really felt for her. Ten long years had taken its toll on her, and she knew that she had become awfully jaded about so many things... But she could not help but cry even more at the revelation... _He loved her!_

But she could not speak... She could only cry a river as he stared at her with desperate, inquiring eyes.

"I'm a coward, Miriallia," he said, looking away. "But I refuse to be one any longer." He squeezed his eyes shut, and opened them again, once again staring back at her. "Please... say something."

She tried to control her breathing. "What... what do you want me to say...?"

He looked totally lost. "Something... Anything!" He took a step towards her but stopped when his knees wobbled a bit, catching himself on the couch again. He looked at her pleadingly. "Tell me you feel the same way. Tell me, please, that you won't marry someone else... I have nothing to offer, but I promise I will take good care of you... I will love you... I can't offer you anything else but one thing."

Swallowing to clear her closing throat, Miriallia raised her tear-stained face to meet his. "What is that?"

And for the love of him, he smiled sadly at her, once more a tear trailing down his face. "I will let you marry me out of love... And not out of anything else."

And she was falling... falling helplessly in a bottomless pit of anagrams that she could not decipher. She found herself crying once more, and at the same time, laughing. Laughing madly, uncontrollably as she watched the wonderful man of her dreams collect himself and make his way to her, feeling herself suddenly soar, making her stomach lurch pleasantly as he gathered her in a tight embrace, feeling his body shake with emotion as he buried his face to her neck. She let her hands snake to his slim waist, and sob into his jacket, somehow trying to assess the happiness she was feeling right at the moment. He loved her! He loved her!

And heaven knew she loved him, too.

She tilted her head back as he pulled away from her, looking down at her with those lovely, lovely eyes, still red-rimmed but no less beautiful... He brushed a fresh tear that had trickled down her nose and rubbed his forehead against hers. "Stop crying... please stop crying..."

She laughed uncontrollably again, but more tears came. She could not believe she was so happy. Shaking her head, she cuddled her cheek against his chest again. "I love you."

She felt his arms tighten around her even more. "Say it again. I just have to make sure I heard it right..."

"I love you..."

"God, help me..." he murmured as he nuzzled his nose to her hair. Why can't she stop crying?

Miriallia pulled back again and looked up at him, not really caring if her eyes were all puffy and red. He looked back at her, his eyes caressing her face gently. And for the past weeks of wondering, dreaming, and hoping that perhaps, what she was feeling was the same as what he was feeling too, she felt truly, unexplainably loved...

But nothing could have been better than feeling that when he slowly bent forward, leaving nothing more than a few centimeters between his lips and hers. As if asking for permission from her if he could.

And without thinking much, she found herself closing her puffy eyes and leaning froward acknowledging his kiss.

And nothing, absolutely nothing, could have been sweeter, lovelier, and more beautiful than the moment when his moist lips met her dry ones in a fleeting yet wonderful caress, pulling away a second before kissing her again, his one hand making its way to her waist, the other one to the nape of her neck right under her hair.

She had been kissed by only two men in all her life. Tolle and Sai. But none of them had given her this much reason not to think about anything in a kiss. It was always a critical science to kiss, but right now, she had lost all coherent thought as Dearka's mouth detonated a variety of sensations in her she had not even felt this intense before, not even with Sai.

She moaned and tilted her head back as his kisses deepened.

"God, you taste wonderful..." he murmured, as he finally pulled away, his eyes still closed and his forehead still pressed against hers.

"It must be the cake..." she whispered unconsciously, her brain not really working well.

This made Dearka laugh a bit, and Miriallia shivered at the feel of his breath on her skin. "It doesn't matter... May I kiss you more?"

He really did not need to ask. She tilted her head back again as his lips took hers once more. And guiltily, she started to wonder how this man could have acquired such great skills, but immediately clawed the thoughts out of her brain, as it started to make her jealous. He had talked about many women up in the PLANTs, and she was not about to ruin this wonderful revelation that she was in love, and he was in love, and they were here together.

Her eyes flew open when Dearka's tongue suddenly slid inside her mouth, not because she did not like it, but simply because she did not expect him to do so. She giggled a bit and reciprocated, this time getting a startled reaction from him, too. She tightened her arms around his waist to keep him from pulling away, which he did not look like he was about to do, but just to make sure... she did not want to let go as his mouth left a wet trail from her lips to her jaw, down to her neck, to her collarbone.

Each kiss seared her skin hot, and she closed her eyes in pleasure as Dearka's hands worked its way to her arms, then shoulders then back down again.

"Miriallia..." he moaned as he lets more sensuous trails from her collarbone to her shoulder, tugging her sleeve out of the way, baring soft, supple skin for his teeth to gently nibble on and explore.

"Dearka..."

"May I?"

It was the weirdest thing, hearing someone like him ask so politely, as she had always thought of him to be... well, something else...

In response, she cupped his face with both hands and led it back to have his eyes look into his. Gently, she kissed his brow, then the tip of his nose, then finally, the corner of his mouth, making his groan in pleasure. His arms made its way to her shoulders once again, but instead of having the other hand caress her back, it swooped down to the back of her knees, and with one swift move, Dearka hoisted her into his arms, making her squeal.

She threw her arms around his neck, nipping his left ear gently as he made his way through the living room to the door of Miriallia's bedroom. She had to kick the door open for them both, making Dearka laugh even more.

Once more, she felt extremely grateful that she tried to tidy up a bit earlier. What with the bed neatly made, and everything in order, she smiled to herself, letting herself be carried to her large bed.

Carefully, Dearka laid her on her back and was about to pull away but Miriallia grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to her, making him yelp in surprise as he crashed right on top of her. She had waited, dreamed, and hoped for so long now... she did not want to have him far from her at all...

"Don't leave me..." she pleaded, her grip tightening on his shirt.

Dearka's brow furrowed as he rested his head on his hand after propping his shoulder on the bed to keep from crushing her under his weight. His one hand easing her fingers from his clothes. "I'm not going anywhere, Miriallia. I'm staying here, right next to you..."

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

Dearka brushed back her hair with s finger, looking down at her lovingly, once again making her lose her breath. "Never..." He looked around uncertainly. "Are you sure...? About this?"

She nodded. She had never been sure in her entire life... And she had ten years of dreaming about it and hoping for it as proof. So there really is more to life than just dreaming...


	8. I Celebrate You

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

_I celebrate you..._

_**

* * *

**_

Dearka did not remember falling asleep. He knew that even if he tried, he would not be able to remember anything. It was because he was too utterly, madly, _deliriously _happy.

Happiness. Such a rare emotion. He could not remember the last time he had been genuinely happy. All he knew was that right now, as he groggily opened his eyes to set his sights on the most beautiful creature ever created, his heart ached at the degree of bliss coursing through his veins.

There, nestled at the crook of his arm, rested Miriallia's lovely head, her strawberry-scented hair fanning out on his skin, her long lashes flickering as a child's would when dreaming. Her slender fingers were folded on his bare chest, and they would twitch once in a while as if feeling him, making sure he was still there. With a small ray of early morning sunshine pouring in from the blinds of the window at the top of her bed, dancing on her pale cheek, Dearka could only stare in awe. My God, was she beautiful!

With a finger of his free hand, he traced the small marks of the folds of the linens on her arm, and he could not believe he was really touching her, that he had lain with her all throughout the night, and that she had made love to him with as much passion as he did. He still could not get over it. She loved him. All this time, she loved him.

Letting his finger travel from her arm to her face, her smooth skin standing out from his bronze sheen, he leaned forward and kissed her closed eyes. He knew that he should let her sleep more, yet he couldn't resist it. He had waited ten years to feel her, to kiss her, to love her. He couldn't stay away.

The moment he withdrew from his kiss, her eyes fluttered open dreamily, slightly drowsy as she moaned under her breath. She blinked a few times to focus her vision, and the moment her blue orbs locked in with lavender ones, her cherry lips parted into a small smile. "Hi there."

"Good morning," Dearka murmured huskily, unable to explain that certain fuzzy feeling inside him as he watched her stretch her slender arms over her head, then grabbed at the white sheets and clumsily ducked under them again with a grunt. Blinking in confusion, he watched the lump that was Miriallia squirm around under the sheets, and he cried out in surprise when he felt her fingers pinch his waist hard.

He was about to jump away, afraid that she will be doing it again when he felt her arms slink their way around his midsection, her head pressing against his chest with a muffled moan. Stiffening for about a complete minute, he looked down at the lump hiding in the blanket, then poked his head under to see what she was doing.

He heard himself chuckle when he ended up face to face with a grinning Miriallia curled up in a fetal position as she pressed her naked self to his. Immediately, his memories were refreshed of the events of last night, and unashamed of the hours of pure ecstasy they had shared with each other, he struggled to get his face leveled with hers. "What are you doing down here?"

She shook her head silently, then buried her face into his chest once again. "I have to tell him... "

Of course, he did not have to ask who _'he' _was. They did not talk about anything concerning Miriallia's upcoming wedding, but that was because neither had really thought of it much. But now, after that good night's rest, and his mind finally working properly, he supposed she was right. "When will he be coming back?" God, they did not even speak of his name.

"This week. This is going to be hard."

"I will come with you."

She shook her head again. "No. It will only make things harder for him. But he is such a nice guy," she said, raising her eyes at him and rubbing her nose to his cheek. "You know, he had always been a friend. He had made me feel quite better, all this time. I may not have made it, if it weren't for him."

And at that instant, Dearka felt something clench at his chest painfully. His arms unconsciously closed in to envelope her body in a tight embrace, suddenly feeling insecure. "Please don't tell me you've changed your mind about me... " He will die if she did. Simply die.

With this, Miriallia laughed pleasantly, pinching him again, this time on his naked backside. However this time, Dearka did not feel it. He was too worried. She kissed the corner of his mouth to ease his thoughts. "Oh, no, no! All I meant was that he deserves to know the truth. I owe him about as much." She leaned her head back to study his face, and it was then did he notice that he was frowning, when he saw his reflection in Miriallia's eyes.

"You are right." He raised his arm back and pulled down the covers to their chin. "I could just imagine him, though. He will be crushed." He was a man after all. And they don't come any prouder than Sai. "He really does love you..."

"But then, I don't love him... I don't want to lie to myself anymore, or to him." She grabbed the blanket and threw it over their heads again. "I love _you_. It took me so long to get to admit it to myself." Her eyes narrowed her eyes at him. "Because it took you ten years to grow a spine." She shoved him playfully. "This is all your fault! If you had gotten here sooner, you could have saved me from all the heartache!"

Dearka grinned boyishly. "If I had known then that you had fallen madly in love with me, perhaps I would have stayed with you. Instead of just always shrugging me off and pretending like I didn't exist."

"Cheeky, aren't we?" she murmured as she seductively molded her body against his, making him fully aware of her nakedness. God, he was acting like a virgin! Perhaps, everyone felt like this, when being this intimate with the one you truly love. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had been immediately entranced by my beauty the moment you first laid eyes on me."

"Of course! My, that lovely view of you trying to plunge a blade through my skull had my libido running like crazy," he said flatly as she hovered her lips playfully near his, perhaps trying to make him stop picking on her. When she saw it wasn't working, she smirked.

"You've really changed over the years."

"Thank you. I know I am very handsome and right now I know deep down in your head you want me to lie you down and make sweet, passionate love to you this very moment."

She laughed again. "Close enough. I want you to make breakfast with me in the kitchen." She patted his startled face with the back of her hand and slipped out of the bed without so much as looking back. Dearka threw the sheets off of his head and watched in perfect awe as she moved gracefully to pick up his discarded shirt on the floor and shrugged it on. He could only laugh when she turned to face him. The shirt was so big on her that it reached down to her mid-thigh, and the sleeves fell past her elbows.

"My, you really have grown, haven't you?" She childishly waved her hands in front of her after pressing the collar to her nose. "Hmm, Dearka scent..." With this, she stuck out her tongue at him and sauntered out of the bedroom.

Dearka, after a moment of stretching, slipped out the bed as well and threw on his boxers lying carelessly on the foot of the bed. It was the first time he felt like it was a good day to actually be alive. He didn't even care that Cagalli could be furious right this very moment, what with her errands completely forgotten. Either that, or she will be extremely pleased with what had just happened. She had always been that eager with having him and Miriallia patch things up. The thought made him smile ruefully. He really was unexplainably happy.

"Are you getting out of bed anytime soon?" came a faint voice from outside the bedroom, after which wafted a scent that was obviously melting butter. Dearka's head shot up at her call and his lips curled into a smile. He could not explain the feeling, having someone sincerely want to be with him this badly.

"I'm coming," he called, and hurried off to the kitchen.

_**

* * *

**_

"You… did… _what_?" Cagalli blurted out incredulously as she leaned forward on her desk the moment Dearka had explained to her everything that had happened last night (skipping on the very private details, of course), thus making him completely occupied the whole night and wasn't able to do his little errands.

At first, Dearka was taken aback. Standing there in front of a sitting Cagalli, he was tempted to run for the door. He was almost ready to when he saw the princess jump out from behind her desk and threw her arms around his with a loud cry. "Oh, my God! Dearka congratulations!"

Blinking in surprise, he watched as she pulled away from him. "It's not like we are getting married or anything."

The blond-haired woman was positively glowing. "Dearka, she said she loves you. And you love her! What else is there you want more than have the love of your life feel the same way?"

Of course the answer to that was easy. Whatever happened last night between then had a lot of consequences, one of which is breaking a very good man's heart. He smiled down at Cagalli and sighed. "I am happy that this is finally happening to me. I've waited for this for a long, long time that I still can't believe this is true. But there are a lot of other things left undone, and I don't know what to do about them."

With this, Cagalli's face fell. "Sai…"

Dearka nodded. God, why was this happening to him? If this was fortune's idea of a joke, it was really not amusing… Although he knew that Miriallia was having an even harder time with all of this, he felt like it was eating him alive, too. He was not used to this helpless feeling. He was _Dearka Elthman_! He always knew what to do!

_Except for this situation…_

His thoughts were momentarily distracted when he heard someone knock on the door.

Cagalli looked up at Dearka hesitantly, then quickly opened the door of her office. Dearka was once again left in anagrams when he saw Lacus standing there, as usual smiling. She was always so happy.

"Lacus, welcome. Come in." Cagalli led the pink-haired songstress into the room.

Dearka watched her tall form glide through the carpet and as her gaze rested on his face, she immediately cried out in glee. "Dearka!" She then made her way towards him and planted a kiss on his cheek. "I wasn't expecting you to be here."

"Me neither. How are you?"

"Very fine." She looked over to Cagalli, then back at him. "I came here to tell Cagalli something."

"Should I leave?" Dearka asked.

Lacus laughed the way she always laughed, yet Dearka sensed that there was something different about her from the last time he saw her with Kira in the coffee shop. Shaking her head, she gripped his arm and led him next to Cagalli. "Don't go, please. It really is something I would want you to know as well."

As usual, anything that came that close to being a secret made Cagalli's ears perk up. She started to tug at Lacus impatiently. "Tell, tell!"

Dearka smiled ruefully when he saw Lacus blush faintly. "Why do I have the feeling that this is about Kira?"

At the sound of his name, Lacus giggled madly and blurted it out as she flashed her hand whose finger held a very expensive-looking rock. "I'm engaged!"

And that crushed whatever femininity that was left in that room. Cagalli and Lacus squealed excitedly, hugging each other and jumping up and down like little kids. Dearka edged away from them to avoid getting trampled.

"I'm so proud of you!" Cagalli said when they finally calmed down. "I never knew Kira could be this sweet!"

Lacus nodded. She had an over-all flushed look as if she had been running. She looked positively happy.

Cagalli huffed. "That jerk. He never even told me he was planning this!"

"Congratulations, Lacus," Dearka said when Cagalli had stopped fuming.

After that Dearka left the two women to chatter away about their upcoming happy endings while he was left to wonder what the heck he was going to do to make things better for Miriallia. In a way, he was starting to wonder why is it that everyone was suddenly going to get married. Cagalli and Athrun's enthusiasm seemed to have rubbed off on everyone here. All of his friends were finally finding happiness!

_If Yzak is going to get married next, I will kill myself…_

But he knew that this was the least of his worries…

Making his way out of the Attha mansion, he ran into Athrun who was fiddling with his car.

"What's up?" the blue-haired Coordinator greeted as he wiped his grease-stained hands on the sides of his already dirty shorts.

Dearka hesitated a bit before finally telling Athrun the events of last night. The former Justice pilot stared at him as if he had grown antlers.

"Are you mad? You should be happy! You finally have the girl you've longed for from years back! And now you sound as if you are going to die in twenty-four hours."

Dearka looked away. "It's not that simple, man. She's engaged. To a good man. A man who took care of her at the times I wasn't there. It's going to be… hard…"

"What does Miriallia say?"

"We haven't really talked about it much. I have a feeling both of us are avoiding the issue."

Athrun shrugged. "Don't think about it too much. It's nothing."

Dearka narrowed his eyes at him. "Wow, that was insensitive."

Athrun raised his eyebrows. "I'm not being insensitive. I'm being realistic. Don't tell me you are going to let Miriallia go on ahead with this marriage just because you feel sorry for the guy? You love her. She loves you. You guys never forgot each other for ten long years. She's been engaged for three. And the moment you show up, her plans are shattered. For sure, that means something. You should be happy."

The problem was, he wasn't completely…

When Athrun saw the look in his face, the man patted him on the back. "Look, Elthman. A lot of people out there have been waiting for this moment to come to their lives. You and Miriallia have waited extra long. And now the moment is here. If you let this ruin your potential relationship, the moment could be lost forever. Now what do you think you should do?"

Dearka frowned. "Tell Sai about it."

"And?"

"And be happy about it."

"Yes. Yes, that's right." Athrun patted him on the back again, and spoke in a softer voice. "I know it's hard. Because you are simply a good person. And you feel like you are snagging away someone else's girl. But you're not. In fact, I think you are doing Sai a favor. Stop sulking. It's very unbecoming."

Dearka smiled despite this. He punched Athrun's arm playfully. "Thanks, man. Anyway, I have to go."

"All right. I'll see you around."

"Yeah." Dearka started to leave, but immediately stopped when he remembered something. Looking over his shoulder, he called out to Athrun again. "By the way, Lacus is up in Cagalli's office with some unexpected news."

"What?"

"She and Kira are getting married."

Athrun almost fell to the floor. "_What!_"

Deaka couldn't help but laugh.


	9. To Be Happy

**Chapter Nine:**

**To Be Happy**

_**

* * *

**_

_Believe in what makes you feel good._

_Believe in what makes you happy._

_Believe in the dreams _

_you've always wanted to come true,_

_and give them every chance to._

_- John J. Ingalls_

_

* * *

_

Two days had passed since she had seen Dearka after their night of utter bliss together… It was one of the most ironic things in the world. She had never been any happier, yet she felt like she was about to die.

Miriallia looked at the large box sitting in the middle of the floor of her room and she felt her insides once again do flip-flops at the mere thought of what was inside. Her wedding dress had finally arrived, and although Carmela had sworn by her dead mother's grave that it was one of the best gowns she had ever designed this year, she did not feel at all comfortable at peeking into it. She felt absolutely horrible, knowing that the wedding dress was not going to be put to use at all.

And in that instant, she felt like the lowest creature in the face of the planet.

Sai did not even know of her sudden "change of plans", and he was not going to find out in a few days, which made her feel even more terrible. Sai had called her the past two nights to check up on her and the "wedding plans", and although it ate her alive, the desire to tell her fiancée on the phone that she could not marry him anymore, she told herself that she at least owed it to him to tell it to his face.

Of course, Sai made it completely difficult for her.

"_How is my wonderful wife-to-be?" _Sai had asked her just earlier that night when he called.

"_Wonderful, wonderful,"_ She had told him, but she knew she felt anything but wonderful.

The conversation was short, but if anything made Miriallia want to crawl into a hole. Sai had been spreading the news up in the Space Colony of their upcoming wedding, and he had never sounded happier.

_"I told them that I will murder them in their sleep if they didn't show up for us in our wedding day,"_ Sai had said, laughing out loud on the phone.

Miriallia was horrified. She did not even know what to say… Because right now, she was starting to get a visual of Sai with a kitchen knife breaking into two and a half dozen houses while the occupants were still sleeping to murder them in their sleep. Crazy thought. She managed to get rid of the thought by thinking rationally. Sai was only kidding! He loved to kid around! He would not do anything so crazy!

But then after that, an image of an angry Sai and a wary Dearka standing on the patio in Athrun's birthday party flashed in her mind's eye and she was suddenly so unsure of that thought.

"Why does love have to be so complicated?" she asked herself.

At the realization of what she just said out loud, Miriallia bit her lip and frowned. Love really _was _complicated… No wonder she had been avoiding it… And after all these years, after swearing to herself that she will no longer get snagged in the trappings of the overrated emotion, here she was, willing to let go of a lifetime of friendship and five years of grieving for a fifty-fifty chance of becoming happy with a man who had disappeared for ten years and reappeared at her doorstep saying that he loved her.

Love was a game she had lost so many times before… She had sworn to herself that she was fed up with losing the game, yet here she was once again gambling almost everything she had accomplished in a decade of putting back the pieces of her shattered heart. She had so much to lose… a loving, hard-working man that had made her feel wonderfully safe in his presence and a future that promised great things once they are married…

She jumped when the doorbell rang. Hurrying to answer it, she nearly stumbled on the box she had been looking at for over half an hour now. A pleasant surprise greeted her the moment she opened the door. It was Dearka, standing there in front of her doorstep, with a small, shy smile on his beautiful, beautiful face. She could not believe how weak she felt at the mere sight of him. His eyes, it had to be his eyes. Those lavender orbs that had haunted her thoughts at day and dreams at night. It seemed as if it took a bit of time to register in her heart that she would be seeing those eyes not only in her thoughts and dreams but also in reality.

The next thing that she noticed was his hair. It looked like he had just taken a shower, curly blond locks brushing the collar of his denim jacket, making Miriallia want to immediately run her fingers through it. How could a man she knew she had memorized his featured by heart still leave her at awe every time she got to see him? He looked so beautiful to her…

"I'm sorry to come at such a late hour without calling first," was what came out of his mouth, a worried look crossing his face, possibly misinterpreting her shocked expression when she saw him. "I told myself it was a bad idea, knowing you must be tired all day from work. I tried to keep busy, and Cagalli made sure of that – " he frowned at this, as if Cagalli had made him do all sorts of stuff. " – but I couldn't help it." He fidgeted from one foot to another, eyes darting everywhere, uncertain at what he was about to do, then he hesitantly looked at her again. "I just couldn't stop thinking about you. I… I just had to see you."

She felt her jaw drop at what he said. It was quite a surprise to see that even after their night together, it appeared as if he was even shier now than before, as if unsure of what to do or say next. This surprised Miriallia to no end.

Ten years ago, she had always thought of the former Buster pilot to be quite tactless about things when it came to romance. But as she stood there, drinking in his body language after the night they had spent together, she was starting to wonder if Dearka ever did date women up in the PLANTs.

Standing aside and gesturing for him to come in, she herself feeling quite unsure of what to say. Dearka went inside, pausing a bit to look at her, then going straight into her living room. She was starting to wonder as well, of the reason why she felt this uneasy towards him, not knowing what to say or do. Strange. They have practically seen each other naked, and now they can hardly look at each other…

A few minutes later they found each other standing in the middle of the living room, giving one another discreet glances, until finally Dearka spoke up.

"Have you heard?"

"What?"

"Of Kira and Lacus' engagement."

"Oh yes… Cagalli phoned me yesterday about the news. I am very happy for them."

"Me too. It was a complete shock for me. I never really expected it."

"Me too."

And they were silent.

"I've missed you," he said after a few moments, taking a tentative step towards her. "How have you been?"

Miriallia blinked, then smiled shyly. "I'm all right." She took a step towards him too. "I've missed you, too."

Perhaps, this is really how it is when you don't see each other for ten years, and then suddenly you do see each other then end up sleeping together…

_Are you kidding me?_

She crushed the stupid thought immediately and was about to say something when Dearka suddenly engulfed her in a tight embrace, catching her by surprise as he buried his face to her hair, inhaling deeply.

"I was a bit worried that what happened two days ago was only an illusion of my fantasy," he murmured, hugging her to him even more closely. "God, it feels so good to have you near me again."

Miriallia felt her heart lurch as she felt his breath against her neck, his voice cracking with emotion as he whispered her name over and over again as if in a trance. For some weird reason, she felt her eyes water a bit, overwhelmed by how much he seemed to have really missed her. Wrapping her arms around his torso, she rested her chin on his shoulder and smiled, feeling utterly at home in his arms. It was only then did she realize that it did feel so good to be near him, having his arms around her like that. It was the first time in a long time did she feel this feeling. Being with Sai was never like this. Yes, Sai brought her comfort and security. With Sai, she felt safe… But with Dearka…

_With Dearka…_

"Stay here with me for the night?" she asked boldly, making herself blush and thanking that he did not see her do so.

"Is it all right with you?" was his reply, and she felt him leave butterfly kisses down the side of her face.

_With Dearka I feel complete…_

_**

* * *

**_

Kissing her was a drug… he could never get enough of it. It was a wonder how hard it was to get his hands off her.

"I would like for you to stay the night and keep me company."

The degree of pleasure from her reply surprised him. Perhaps, she really did want to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her… Pulling away from her, he looked at her lovely face. A jolt of electricity shocked him at discovering she was a bit teary-eyed, and he kissed her lips gently.

"Are you all right? You look like you're about to cry."

She shook her hear hastily, and the former Buster pilot gasped when she planted a solid kiss on his mouth, completely catching him off guard, reminding him completely of how much she could drive him to the brink of insanity in bed… Instantly, his hands were dancing up and down her back as their kiss deepened, Her own fingers where picking at the thin cotton shirt he had on, and in a moment her hands made their way up his shirt, gently thumbing at the hairs on his chest, and making their way around his back, under his jacket.

Dearka laughed to himself, wondering if it would always begin in the living room. Wrapping his arms around her slim waist, he hoisted her up, and she instantly wrapped her legs around his torso. Neither of them broke the kiss as Dearka blindly carried her to her room, nearly knocking over a lamp shade and a few candles.

Miriallia giggled in between their kiss, and Dearka laughed with her as they managed to find the door to her room. Cracking an eye open to check if there was anything he might knock over, he moaned when Miriallia's lips trailed to the corner of his mouth, to his ears down to his neck as he made his way, unseeing, to her bed. She nipped at the exposed skin of his throat, making it anything but possible for him to find his way to their love nest.

And in a split second, he found himself toppling over. Literally.

Dearka's eyes flew wide open in an instant. His foot got caught on something on the floor he did not see, causing him to stumble. Clumsily, he tried to keep upright. Miriallia let out a cry as he wavered a bit and managed an emergency landing, and they came crashing on the bed with a loud _"oof!" _escaping from both of them, arms still wrapped around each other.

Dearka was the first one to recover. Opening his eyes he did not even remember closing, he saw Miriallia looking up at him too.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

She nodded wordlessly and sat up immediately to check what the offending thing was. Dearka followed suit. Staring at the floor, he discovered it to be a white, flat box sitting smack in the middle of Miriallia's bedroom floor. One side where he had obviously stepped on it was crumpled and flattened terribly.

Dearka scratched his head uneasily. "Err… I'm sorry… I didn't see it there…"

It was probably one of the most unromantic things that had ever happened in his life. Seeing that Miriallia did not bother to see if the extent of the damage wasn't that great, he took the liberty of checking for her. Standing up, his hands went straight for the box. It was then she spoke.

"It's my wedding dress…" she said softly, her hand flying to her temple, as if the mere thought of it made her head ache. "It came earlier… Carmela wanted me to try it on to see if there are any needed adjustments… "

Dearka froze in mid-action, and slowly, he sat up straighter, folding his hands on his lap, his eyes never leaving the box. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Miriallia never opened the box. He turned to her, and he saw a lost look in her eyes…

He touched the side of her face and she leaned her cheek on his hand. "I didn't even bother to look at it… I was too… "

Dearka found himself holding his breath at her answer… _Too what? _

Too confused?

Too lost?

Too guilty?

With this, he felt instantly possessive. He pulled her to him in a tight embrace, paranoid thoughts swimming in his head. "Too what?"

_Oh, God, too what?_

She returned his embrace, and from her lips passed the words that honestly made his heart melt. "Too caught up with thinking about you to be bothered in opening it…"

It was funny… Never in his life had he been this instantly frightened. Admittedly, in the last two days, he had found himself waking up in the middle of the night, plagued by _what-ifs _about him and Miriallia's relationship. So many _what-ifs…_

_What if she changed her mind?_

_What if suddenly she wouldn't be able to leave Sai once she sees him?_

_What if I can't make her happy?_

_What if? What if? What if?_

She pulled away from his embrace and her eyes scanned his face intently, fiery and serious as she traced his jaw line with a steady finger. "I know what you're thinking. And that won't happen." She smiled. "I think I've had enough lying to myself… I… can never go back. Now that you've finally come to me, I don't think I can ever let you go."

Was it possible for a person to be this happy at a single given time? He had always believed it was not… But right now, nothing could have described the degree of happiness he was feeling at the moment. For so long, he had always believed that he did not deserve to be happy. He had lived out his life in the service, dedicated everything he was to the benefit of the colony, with his personal desires limited to dreams and wishes. But right now, right here, he knew that his life had a new meaning.

And for the very first time in two days, he honestly believed he will be able to sleep well tonight…

He watched Miriallia return her gaze back at the box. "Now what shall I do with it? Maybe I should send it back… or…"

Dearka followed her gaze, and somewhat surprised at the sudden thought in his head, he gave her a slight nudge. "Is it paid for?"

She looked at him weirdly. "What? No, not yet… So I'm hoping that you didn't ruin it when you stepped on it…"

"I'll pay for it."

She kept on staring. "Why?"

_Yeah, why?_

He grinned weakly. "I don't know… I'd like you to keep it, I guess. I _was _the one who was with you when you went to get it tailored… so I guess… "

This brought Miriallia giggling.

He watched her reproachfully. "What?"

She shook her head. "Nothing, nothing." She leaned closer and rested her head on his shoulder, still slightly musing over the box.

Dearka nudged her again. "Try it on. I want see."

She gasped at this. "No! That would be bad luck! They say that the groom should never see the bride in her gown unless it was the real wedding day. Otherwise it would be a bad marriage."

Dearka stared at her for the longest possible time, before finally ginning once again slyly. "Are you implying here that I am the groom and you are the bride?"

It took only an instant for her to realize what she had just said. Her face turned beet red. "What? I… well…"

He silenced her lips with a finger and rested his forehead on hers. "I know, Miriallia. I know."


	10. Her Heart Belonged to Another

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

_Her heart belonged to someone else…_

_**

* * *

**_

Much to Dearka's surprise – and annoyance because Cagalli did not forewarn him of what to expect in the dry docks – the face of none other than Yzak Jule popped into view as he made his way out of the ship that had landed not half an hour ago.

"You look too happy to see me. You're never happy to see me before," drawled the former Duel pilot as he extended a hand when Dearka practically ran up to meet him after getting over the initial shock of seeing his friend on Earth.

"I'm surprised you're here," Dearka said, chuckling as he gripped Yzak's hand meanly and patted him on the shoulder as he always did back then. "Cagalli never told me."

"I would assume as much. How have you been? You look… " His friend examined his face intently before nodding. "You look happy."

Dearka sucked in a breath and let it out in one satisfied huff. That was because he was happy. He had never been happier. "Thanks. Now tell me what it is that brought you down to Orb."

Yzak stared at him dryly. "I always come down to Orb at this time to visit Athrun and Cagalli. For the past ten years I've been forcing you to come with me, but you always had something better to do."

This made Dearka blink. Biting his lip at the realization that Yzak was right, he could not help but wonder what would have happened if he had accepted his invitation. Would he have met Miriallia earlier? Would he have saved her the time wasted in grieving and lying to herself?

Questions parading in his head were interrupted by a screaming Cagalli who came flying out of the black limousine that he did not realize had parked a few meters away from them.

"Yzak!" the princess called out as she made a bee-line for former Duel pilot, who, much to Dearka's amazement, was sincerely smiling – not smirking – at the approaching blond, her long sleek pony tail trailing behind her.

"It's good to see you again," Yzak said as Cagalli shook his hand enthusiastically. "I've been looking forward to this visit because I heard you have something wonderful to tell me."

Cagalli nodded happily. "Yes!"

"And what would that be?"

"I'm getting married!"

"So you finally got him to tie the knot, eh?"

Cagalli nodded happily.

Yzak grimaced. "You make it look like you forced him into it… "

This made Cagalli laugh, which was a surprise to Dearka. He thought that would have normally made the princess quite mad, but remarkably, she wasn't. "He was really very happy, though. But I wouldn't know since he was drunk when I told him I was pregnant." She giggled a bit.

Yzak gestured towards her. "You shouldn't overwork yourself. Think of the baby."

"I am, I am. It's just that I can't seem to stay at one place for too long. I get bored easily." After this sentence, she seemed to have decided to change the subject. "How are things up in the PLANTs?"

"Better. The Sponsor Nations here on Earth have decided to be a little less greedy. We were able to establish trade with other nations as well. Not that we are having a great time with it." His eyes darted to Dearka, and the former Buster pilot looked away. "Since no one is in charge of Februarius city, as we are lacking one person in the Supreme Council, I have to juggle two jobs."

Of course, Dearka knew what he was talking about. Februarius city was supposed to be assigned to him, had he accepted the position Yzak had offered him. "You allowed me to go and leave, didn't you?"

Yzak smiled. It made Dearka wince. "I know. I didn't say anything."

Cagalli looked at him and then at Yzak before patting them both on the shoulder and giving them a snappy nod. "Okay, okay. Don't give Dearka a hard time. He is too happy to even consider getting upset about anything."

This made Yzak's ears perk up. He turned to Dearka, interested. "Ah, really now? Tell me, did you find her?"

Now in all honesty, he did not guess Yzak was mocking him. But with the look on his eyes, he knew he was merely being nosy. He nodded. "I did."

Yzak prodded on. "And?"

"And what?"

"Did you tell her?"

Dearka blushed. "Yes."

The next thing that happened almost made Dearka keel over. Yzak chuckled. He pounded on his shoulder happily. "Wonderful! Wonderful! I'm glad you have found what you've always wanted in life. Perhaps now you can propose to her and take her back to PLANT and you can take up your position in the Council for me now? The benefits are not that bad and with the monthly income you'd be getting, I'm sure starting a family wouldn't be that difficult."

Dearka almost threw up at what his friend said. "Yzak…!" he choked out.

Although he knew that Yzak was merely teasing him, it made him feel slightly sick. He seriously could not see that far ahead yet, what with Miriallia still worrying about a lot of things. Taking liberties was the last thing he ever wanted from her. His friend and Cagalli noticed the look on his face.

"You don't want a family?" Yzak asked after a moment of silence. It was simply too hard to explain that he had practically stolen Miriallia from someone else…

Cagalli, who knew of their situation, immediately changed the subject again. "Athrun is waiting for you in the mansion. He's been looking forward to seeing you since yesterday."

At the mention of the name, Yzak relaxed and nodded. For the past ten years, the two had become considerably good friends. It was ironic since they couldn't even stand looking at each other a decade a go. "How is the old fool?"

Cagalli laughed lightly. "Still a fool, but I love him to death. He has done nothing but buy and buy baby clothes. Just yesterday, he bought a huge crib with …. "

Dearka did not realize he had unconsciously zoned out the princess' voice as thoughts that had been plaguing him since yesterday once again invaded his brain. Sai was coming home tomorrow… And Miriallia had been acting like a drone all day. Not only once had he asked her if she wanted him to accompany her when she met with him, but she kept on insisting that she would be better off alone, that Sai might get too agitated with him there. Of course, he knew that. But still…

Yes he was paranoid that way. Sometimes he would think about horrible things such as Miriallia changing her mind when she finally saw Sai again. Many times he would imagine the things he would do if ever that happened.

_Oh, God please don't let it happen…_

He had prayed the same prayer over and over again last night while he held her in his arms. He had gotten so used to having her with him so fast that he did not know what he was going to do if ever he lost her again… It was simply too scary to think about.

He snapped back into reality when Cagalli tapped his shoulder lightly. "Did you hear me?"

Dearka cleared his throat. "Uh… sorry. What was that again?"

"She's telling me about Kira and Lacus' engagement."

Dearka blinked, "What about it?"

Yzak stared at him weirdly. Shaking his head in disgust, he turned to Cagalli again. "Shall we go then? I suppose tea and sympathy are what I'm after right now."

"Really? Sympathy, you say?" Cagalli mused.

"Yes, yes. It has been a hard month for me. Quite hard ever since Dearka left the PLANTs. Don't look at me like that. I didn't say anything about you coming back. I merely stated the fact that I am having a hard time without you there."

Dearka winced. He knew of Yzak's tactics. They had changed over the years, brute force, to simple persuasion to guilt trippings that had been the bane of his existence ever since the former Duel pilot had developed it. Even when he knew it was not exactly working right now for Yzak, Dearka still didn't like it.

Avoiding his friend's gaze altogether, he followed both Yzak and Cagalli down the ramp as his mind floated to a certain brunette waiting for him later tonight. There mere thought made him fell all better.

"Oh, and Dearka?" Yzak started.

"What?" he snapped.

"Call Miriallia Haww and ask her to join us for dinner tonight, all right?"

_Dammit…_

_**

* * *

**_

Miriallia bit her lip as she gingerly fingered the white fabric of the lacey gown spread out on her bed that afternoon. She didn't even know what it was with the wedding gown that always made her stare. Perhaps it was because Sai was coming home tomorrow and for the past three hours, she had been thinking about the speech that she was inevitable going to have to give.

Not only once did she have to stop and think of just packing her bags and leaving with Dearka before Sai came, and hadn't Dearka been more than willing to do it? But she decided against it. The last thing she wanted was to have it look like Dearka was to blame for her disappearance.

_You are doing him a favor. You can't marry him when your heart belongs to someone else. You have to call off this wedding! _

It was the same argument she had been telling herself over the few hours for her preparation for Sai's return. She had to wonder why she had to convince herself with what she had to do. She knew more than ever that she wanted to get through with breaking up with him, but then why was it so difficult?

Well of course the answer to that was easy. She was guilty. Hadn't he been there for her for the last five years when she needed someone to save her from herself?

Shutting her eyes tightly to get rid of whatever doubts she was having about what she was about to do, she shook her head and took a deep breath. "I am doing the right thing. I owe Sai this much at least. I am doing the right thing. I owe Sai this much at least." She repeated it over and over again like magic words that would save her from whatever she needed to do. But she knew that there was no escape.

She needed to tell him, for her and Dearka's sake. Every time she would think about it, she would start to wonder what it was that made her tell Dearka that she didn't want him there when she talked to Sai.

When she knew deep down she was scared of what Sai might do after she tells him. Not only that, but she has the problems of _how_ to say it.

_Sorry, Sai. I know we've been engaged for a few years now, but I found out that I'm in love with Dearka, so could you do me a favor and beat it? _

Miriallia almost jumped out of her skin when her cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

It was Dearka!

"_Hi there._"

She smiled, instantly feeling better. "Hi. Where are you?"

"_I'm calling from Cagalli's house. Yzak is here._"

At the mention of the name, Miriallia's eyes widened. "He is? I didn't know he was coming over."

_"Neither did I. But yeah he's here. He says he wants to meet you."_

Miriallia giggled at the tone of his voice, as if he was frustrated in a way. "You don't want me to meet him?"

"_No, no! It's not that. He's just been quite… err… excited about it is all._"

"How so?"

_"It's a long story."_ He laughed. _"Are you free for dinner?"_

"You know I am."

_"Great. I'll pick you in an hour. Is that ok?"_

"That's fine. I'll see you then."

_"All right." _There was an awkward pose in the other end of the line before he spoke again. "_I love you._"

Her heart leaped then and there, but she immediately laughed gaily. "I love you, too. See you later."

And she put down the phone. She sat on her bed silently for a few seconds before realizing that she should get ready to meet with Dearka's close friend. She had known Yzak had been visiting Orb for the past ten years but never got the chance to talk with him for some weird reason. Perhaps she has been avoiding anyone who came close to relating to Dearka.

Looking around the room, she walked to her closet and started to look for something to wear. All the while her mind never left Sai. It was weird. How could something so logically easy to do be so hard when you finally have to do it?

Settling for a yellow blouse and brown corduroy pants, she threw the clothes on her bed and went straight for the bathroom to draw herself a bath, but as she kneeled next to the bathtub and watched warm water pour hard from the faucet, she still could not get it out of her head. She felt like she was back in high school and did not know how to break up with a guy.

Although she knew that things were far harder than that.

_Sai is coming home tomorrow… Sai is coming home tomorrow… He left Orb expecting for a girlfriend to come back to. _

Miriallia was lost in the sound of running water for about ten or so minutes and was instantly taken by surprise when she felt arms wrap around her shoulders from behind. Gasping but recovering quickly, she was mildly and pleasantly surprised to know Dearka had decided to come early.

"Hey, you're here early…" she murmured as she melted against the embrace.

But her blood instantly ran cold in her veins when she heard him speak.

"I know. But they let me go a day early since the calibration up in space has finished ahead of schedule," came Sai's all too familiar voice as he pressed his lips against her exposed neck.

An involuntary shudder ran down her spine as she instantly pulled away and inched as far as she could from the person who had taken her by surprise, whirled around to face him with eyes as big as saucers.

There, standing in front of her with an uncertain expression in his eyes as he watched her from underneath those brown-tinted glasses, was none other than her fiancée, Sai Argyle…

"I'm home.," he said as he took her once again into his arms and crushed her body to his, making her freeze up and cold sweat pop over he brow.

"_Sai!"_

Miriallia did not know what to do…


	11. I Would Love to Run Away From You

**Chapter Eleven:**

**I Would Love to Run Away From You**

* * *

_I would love to run away from you,_

_But if you didn't come for me, I would die._

_**

* * *

**_

Dearka looked over his shoulder as he heard someone open the door to the veranda overlooking the garden. He did not really fancy any company, especially not Yzak's. He was standing on the same spot where he had embraced Milly in Athrun's surprise party, and in a way, he was being quite sentimental about it for a reason he did not know why. He turned around to welcome his friend politely.

"Shouldn't you be joining us inside?" Yzak asked him seriously. Dearka was slightly surprised at his sudden change. Every time the former Duel pilot was in the presence of Cagalli and Athrun, his rarest of genuine smiles would appear and joke around with the couple as if they had been childhood friends. Then again, this was the first time he had been in the presence of the three together. He was starting to wonder if Yzak was only this serious when he was around _him_.

"I don't really like tea," he said lamely.

Yzak's brow furrowed under his straight light bangs. "Have coffee, then." He proceeded towards him and leaned on one of the marble pillars lining the veranda. "How have you been here?"

Dearka blinked and recovered quickly from the surprise the question brought. Yzak was not the typical person to worry about your welfare. He immediately discarded the thought when he remembered him telling Cagalli to think about the baby earlier in the dry docks. "I've been fine. Why?"

Yzak's piercing blue eyes sharpened as it fell upon his face. Dearka did everything in his power to meet his gaze head on. "I've been hearing things."

"You should see a psychologist then. Hearing things isn't normal, you know."

"You know what I mean," Yzak said humorlessly. Typical of him. He never did like jokes. "You and Milly. Milly and Sai. What are you going to do about it?"

Dearka felt a prickle of irritation form in the middle of his gut. He was not expecting such a conversation with this person. He looked away from him finally. "I don't know. Can we please not talk about it? I'm happy spending my time with her, being with her. I've never been this happy in ten years. I don't want to talk about this."

He saw Yzak's cheek twitch violently at the corner of his eye. "You're happy? _Happy_? Dearka, you are having an _affair _with the woman."

Dearka nearly hissed at how Yzak said this. "Do you really have to make this harder for me?"

"I'm making it easier for you. I want you to think about what you are going to do from here on."

"And why are you suddenly so concerned?"

Yzak sniffed. "Because I don't want you to be happy just _now_. I'd like you to be happy in the future as well. Will you be telling Sai about this? Will _she_?"

Dearka opened his mouth to speak, stopped, closed his mouth again. He knew how difficult his situation is. His first serious relationship, he never expected it to be an affair. More than once did he ask if he would have saved Milly and him the emotional torture if he hadn't waited ten long years to make his heart be heard. He ran his hand through his hair. "Sai comes home tomorrow. Milly will tell him. She said I don't have to be there."

Yzak was silent for a bit, then crossed his arms over his chest. Dearka took the time to watch him as his friend looked out into the garden, at nothing in particular. When he spoke, Dearka did not know what to say.

"It will boil down to this, then. It's either she will choose between two things; a lifetime of friendship, and three years engagement. Or a horrible first impression, ten years of insecurity and a sudden appearance." Once more, he received a sharp gaze from the light-haired man. "You love her, more than you do yourself. Sometimes I wonder what it is with her that made you love her so much, that an unforeseen meeting and a few exchange of words never let your heart forget, even after a decade. But what makes me wonder even more, is if it would be enough."

Once more, the familiar feeling of a tightening chest gripped him. He hadn't felt this pain for quite a while now. The last time he had felt this was when he saw Miriallia in the arms of Sai Argyle. "I know I don't have much to offer, and I know I'm not the better man. Sai has been there for her in the times when I wasn't, and he has been really good to her." He tilted his chin up, looked at Yzak straight in the eye. "But even with this, no one can love her more than I can. _No one_. I've been a fool for ten years. And I'd be damned if I lose her without so much as a fight."

Yzak did not say anything, but Dearka could sense his uncertainty. He let him leave the veranda wordlessly, leaving him with thoughts he did not want to think about right now.

_**

* * *

**_

She could not speak, she could not even move, the moment he let her go and held her at arm's length, watching her with those familiar soft eyes behind those brown-tinted glasses. Her senses were immediately intoxicated with the smell of his aftershave and she felt wobbly, down to her knees.

"Are you all right, Mir?" he asked, and Miriallia immediately snapped out of her trance.

"What? Oh, yes… I was just… surprised… that… " She shook her head vigorously. "I wasn't expecting you…"

Sai laughed richly. "Were you expecting another man?"

Milly felt all the blood shoot up to her face. "What?"

Again, he laughed, letting her go. "I'm only kidding, baby. Only kidding. Now, what do you have in your fridge? I'm famished."

Miriallia swallowed hard and she sat down on the edge of her bathtub. Her hands unconsciously turned off the running water, completely at a loss for words. Her brain was in a complete state of panic. She did not know what to do…

In a frenzy, she tried to put together all the strings of thought she had so far come up with for the past hour, and discovered she did not have anything that would make sense to Sai. He had left Earth with a Fiancée, and was right in her house, rummaging through her fridge thinking of the same thing. She was a horrible person, she knew it. But was it too wrong to follow what she was feeling for once?

She had called love an overrated thing, thinking it mattered little, if any at all, when it came to her future. But now she knew exactly why. She had never been in love in the past ten years to begin with.

And now… she was.

Scrambling out of the bathroom on shaky legs, she decided to get it over with as soon as she possibly could. She was starting to think that she was a selfish, awful person to even do this to such a good man, but at this same rationale did she believe she owed Sai the truth.

She found him with his head stuck inside the fridge and was now in the process of taking out a bottle of milk.

Of course, she could have thought of a much better way to lay it on him, but right now she was too nervous to beat around the bush. Skidding to a stop behind the counter overlooking the kitchen, she took a deep breath and blurted out in one flat sentence everything she wanted to say.

"I can't marry you, Sai."

In that same instant, the bottle of milk fell to the floor with an unceremonious crash. White liquid splashed all over her clean kitchen floor, but neither of them seemed to notice.

Miriallia felt like the whole world stopped spinning when she saw Sai staring at her with one of those penetrating stares he reserved for his coworkers when they made no sense. And for a mere second, in her mind's eye, she saw Sai hugging her in her bedroom while she cried herself to sleep ten years ago, the moment they were finally settled in Orb after the ceasefire. She saw him giving her flowers everyday, and phone calls every night for the past five years they have been together. She saw him giving her the thin silver engagement ring three years ago. She fiddled with the ring in her finger right now.

And she saw him look at her with disbelief from under those glasses beside her open refrigerator. She watched as he slowly closed its door and laughed weakly.

"Excuse me? For a moment there I thought I heard you say you can't marry me…"

Saying it once nearly killed her. Only the heavens knew how much it hurt to say it again. "I can't marry you, Sai." She nearly added _I'm sorry_. But that was what made her feel worse. She wasn't sorry. Because you only say sorry when you make mistakes. Loving Dearka was not a mistake…

_Wasn't it?_

It took a few moments before Sai recovered. He looked like a person who was punched in the gut. He shook his head and noticed the mess he had made. As if in a daze, he grabbed the towel on top of the counter, kneeled down on the floor and started mopping the puddle of milk in front of him. This was not the reaction she was expecting from him. In fact, she was expecting him to scream, throw things around. But no. There he was, cleaning her floor.

Miriallia swallowed. "Say something," she pleaded. "Anything. Please."

The only response she got was a sigh when he stopped for second, then continued with his task. He stood up, washed the towel in the sink, wrung it good, then mopped at the floor again.

"Sai – "

"Don't." He cut her off, not looking at her for a brief moment. Miriallia bit her lip nervously. He looked up at her under his lashes. It was unmistakable, the hurt in those eyes. "Please don't talk to me until you've finally gotten rid of that ridiculous thought of not marrying me."

Miriallia took a step forward slightly. "Sai… It's not just a thought… I can't. I really can't."

Sai stared at her blankly, his hands momentarily stopping from its mopping. After a while, he abandoned the mopping and straightened up. "Let me get this straight. You call me up in space, tell me that you're finally ready, get me all worked up in calling my parents!" His voice raised with every word. "I've informed all of my friends, all my relatives as well as yours, because you finally say you're ready. And now you're telling me _you can't_?"

Miriallia nearly shrunk. "Sai … I really don't know what to say… " Confusion bubbled in the pit of her stomach, and a slightest bit of regret sliced through her subconscious. Her family. His family. So many people involved already.

Sai slammed a fist on the counter, making Miriallia jump. "Start with this. _WHY?_"

Miriallia felt the ground shake from beneath her, and she felt like she was going to faint. She steadied herself on the doorframe. "It's because…" for some reason, she could not continue.

"Did I do something wrong?" Sai offered.

"No…"

"Did I rush you too much?"

"No…"

"I didn't think so. I've been waiting for three goddamn years." Sai gestured wildly at her, tried to say something, but decided against it. "Just tell me what the hell made you change your mind about our future."

Miriallia looked away, and in her heart of hearts, she felt her resolve breaking. "My past…" she whispered.

And for an eternity and a half, Sai just looked at her like she had grown horns. After a while, it finally hit him. Gasping for air and steadying himself as well, he shook his head in disbelief. "It's _him_, isn't it?"

Miriallia wrapped her arms around herself, somewhat afraid of what he was going to say next. "I can't lie to myself, Sai. And I can't lie to you most of all."

But why was she so uncomfortable with this setting?

"_Bullshit!_" Sai screamed as he once more slammed his fist on the counter, making Miriallia jump for a second time. "Don't give me that crap, Mir!" He had never sounded so furious in his life it was frightening. "I've been there for you! I waited! Over the years when I tried to ask you to finally settle down, I could easily just let it pass when you said no because you weren't ready. And now a man who suddenly appears after a _decade _comes up and you tell me _you can't marry me_?" He tried to relax. Milly saw him take deep breaths as if to calm himself. It was not working. "Can you just tell me the freaking reason why, please?"

But Miriallia did not know anything else to say. The man had the right to be mad. She touched her face a bit and realized she was crying. She immediately dashed her tears away. "Please don't ask me any more questions. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

_And I don't want to be given that change to change my mind…_

Sai shook his head. "You didn't hurt me, Mir." He closed his eyes and faced the ceiling as if to hide his expression from her. "You've killed me."

And they were silent. She did not know what else to say. She took a tentative step forward. Oh, God was she doing the right thing? "I'm sorry, Sai. Please understand."

Sai shook his head again, and this time, Miriallia realized he was crying too. "I'm sorry. I can't understand. I love you, Mir. More than the world. More than my life. I gave you everything. I would do anything for you. I've been good. I've been patient." His voice was choked up with the tears. He took off his glasses and wiped at his face. "Aren't I good enough for you?"

Was she doing the right thing?

Miriallia felt a sob escape from her throat, and she shook her head. "You are too good for me."

And the room was once more filled with deafening silence.

Until the doorbell rang.

And Miriallia felt her throat tighten in panic as the door slowly opened, admitting a serious-looking Dearka looking at her meaningfully.

The Coordinator's face darkened the moment his eyes fell on Sai, who was also looking back at him.

Miriallia tried to open her mouth to say something, but ended up screaming instead when Sai flashed past her, and without the tiniest of hesitations did he ram a fist against Dearka's face.

_****___

* * *

Dearka barely felt the punch. He was too numb to even feel it. He honestly did not know what to do. He wished Sai would hit him again. Perhaps then, he would feel better about himself.

He had not known Sai would be here today, but perhaps it really would not matter.

Miriallia grabbed Sai by the arm and tried to pull him back. "Sai, no! Please don't do this! Don't make this hard on yourself!"

Sai did not put up a fight with Miriallia. His eyes did not leave Dearka as well. "You come waltzing in Mir's life and try to be a part of it. But you can only dream of the things Mir and I have. "

Dearka rubbed his cheek gingerly and let his hand fall down his side. Miriallia moved away from Sai a bit, wringing her fingers nervously and keeping her eyes cast down on the ground. "I could never have what you have," he muttered silently. "I could never have the years you've spent together. And in a way I'm envious of what you have. But right now I don't care about your past, so long as I know my future with Mir."

"Why you goddamn piece of – " Sai lunged at him again, but this time Dearka was ready. Grabbing him by the wrist, he twisted it around and whipped him across the room, slamming him against the nearest wall.

Miriallia screamed again.

Dearka didn't care. Sai obviously didn't either. The man recovered quickly, wiping at his mouth, then went for him again. This time, Dearka did not find it amusing. Miriallia had begun to cry again. He did not want her to cry. When Sai tried to take a punch at him, he grabbed at his fist, twisted his arm behind his back and held him by the nape of the neck, rendering him helpless and kneeling on the carpeted floor.

"Stop it," Dearka ordered in a grave voice. "If you want to fight me, let's take it outside. Not in Miriallia's house. But I'm warning you, if I were to take this seriously, you wouldn't stand a chance against me."

At this said, Sai shuddered under his strength at this statement and he sagged as if in resignation. But after a moment's resolve, he swung his other hand free and grabbed Dearka by the hair. This surprised the Coordinator to no end, because even though the man was obviously not a fighter, he was still damn strong. Sai yanked at is head with much force, making his head snap forward and over his shoulders, straight flat onto the floor.

This time, Dearka was not going to hold back. The fool was insisting on fighting in Miriallia's house! Gaining leverage on the floor, he grabbed the guy by the collar and slammed him on the carpet, straddling him and pinning him down. He pulled back his elbow for a nice smack on the guy's face, even if he did have glasses, but was suddenly surprised when someone grabbed his arm desperately.

Miriallia's face zoomed into view when he looked over his shoulder, and the resolve in pummeling the man into a bloody pulp wavered.

Miriallia's pretty eyes pleaded with him. "Dearka, no. Please stop…"

Her voice sounded so weak, so tired. She was emotionally spent, he knew. Sai, who was breathing hard under his weight, wiped at his face again. Dearka gave the man one final dirty look before getting up. He tried to catch Milly's eyes once more, but this time, she would not look at him. Instead, she looked at the door.

"Please leave… Both of you."

Sai got up to his feet, a bit shaky and obviously furious. He looked around hesitantly and finally stared at Milly. "Is this what you want, Mir? Are you going to throw away everything we've had? Just because of _him_?" He jerked his head towards Dearka's direction as if he were a dog.

Milly shook her head. "Just leave. Please. I don't have the stamina for this…"

Sai sighed, looked like he was counting up to ten to calm himself down. After a bit, he touched Mir's shoulder. "All right. I'm going home. Listen, I'm willing to forget about this if you are. I'll call you tomorrow, all right?"

Milly nodded, and Sai kissed her gently on the cheek. Dearka wanted to break the guy's face on the wall.

Dearka followed the guy with his eyes as he made his way to the door. The two men stared at each other for a second too long, but enough to pass out a challenge; _This isn't over…_

When they were finally alone, Dearka moved to embrace Milly, but was slightly surprised when she moved away.

"Dearka, you leave, too."

"But Mir – "

And finally she looked up at him with those big blue orbs. She really did not look like she had the stamina for this. And she looked like she was about to collapse. Damn it, he should have planned this beforehand…

She shook her head once more. "I love you, Dearka. You know that. Sometimes I ask myself what is it with you that made me feel this way."

He did not know how to take it. The sentence looked like there was a _but _in the end. And he was right.

"But Sai is a good man. Bigger things are happening. There are more feelings to consider than just our own… So I was hoping if perhaps you can leave me to think things through…"

Dearka wished he had never dropped by, because at the rate of things, his fears about this day were coming true. Yzak's words echoed through his brain.

_"It will boil down to this, then. It's either she will choose between two things; a lifetime of friendship, and three years engagement. Or a horrible first impression, ten years of insecurity and a sudden appearance."_

Dearka swallowed. And it all boiled down to choosing…

Miriallia was going to choose.

He wondered why he felt this anxious about it. She loved him, didn't she?


	12. THe Right or Easy Path

**Chapter Twelve:**

**The Right Or Easy Path**

* * *

_There is no disguise_

_which can hide love for long _

_where it exists, _

_or simulate it_

_where it does not._

_– La Rochefoucauld_

* * *

He had never believed that anyone could feel this much pain and still live. He felt his heart was going to explode as he sat on the floor in the veranda back in the Attha Mansion with his thoughts scattered everywhere. He had never felt so desperate in all his life. The memory of what happened last week in Miriallia's apartment made him feel cold and utterly empty inside. For the past seven days, he had not heard from Miriallia. He had wanted to call, but cowardice got the best of him, afraid that she would, as Yzak had pointed out, have to choose between them. And he did not have that much confidence to even consider her choosing him.

Dearka watched as Cagalli's pet dachshund poke her tiny face from her doghouse, momentarily distracted. He had spent the rest of the week sitting in the veranda, hoping against hope that Cagalli or Athrun or anyone for that matter did not find him. Of course, that was close to impossible. Although the Attha Mansion was too big for only the to- be couple, Athrun had somehow sniffed that things between Dearka and Miriallia were a bit rocky, and so had taken it into himself to check up on the almost always brooding former Buster Pilot.

Today was no different. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming out of the Mansion and into the veranda. He was surprised to see – not Athrun nor Cagalli – none other than Yzak Jule, a serious expression on his already serious enough face. The former Duel pilot did not say anything to him as he sat down a few feet from him, leaning his back against the wall.

Dearka looked at the man briefly, then continued to stare out into the garden. Cookie was now starting to dig a hole near its doghouse. Sighing in resignation, he closed his eyes and lowered his head, resting it in one hand.

"You're afraid you'd lose against Sai," Yzak said. Leave it to the former Duel Pilot to say uncomfortable truths.

Dearka tried to ignore him, keeping his face buried in his hand. He did not need company right now. He wanted to be alone, since he was starting to have the suspicion that he would be alone for the rest of his sorry life. If he did not have Miriallia with him, he would rather be alone.

"Have you talked to her?" Yzak asked.

Dearka simply shook his head.

"Don't worry. Rest assured that she hasn't talked to Sai as well."

This made Dearka look up, annoyed, a tiny spark of hope suddenly erupted somewhere in his head. "How do you know?"

"Because apparently, Sai has been away to _Heliopolis II_ for the past four days, and while you have been sulking here like a lost puppy, Miriallia has been talking to me."

Dearka felt his entire body shake uncontrollably. He nearly crawled to Yzak's side and grabbed the man's collar desperately. "Tell me… what did she say?"

Yzak looked at Dearka's hand holding his collar, then at the dog in the distance. "In between sobbing and hiccupping, the only thing I can tell you is that you should talk to her personally."

Dearka felt his hand loosen, and he slumped against the wall, sapped of any remaining energy he had. "Does she want to talk to me?"

Yzak stared at him. When he spoke, he did not answer Dearka's question at all. "Come back to the PLANTs with me. Take up your position in the High Council; it will broaden your network. You can meet other women. Prettier, smarter. Forget about Miriallia, and move on with your life."

Dearka felt numb inside. He stared back at Yzak accusingly. "I thought you wanted her for me."

Yzak narrowed his eyes at him. "A girl with no conviction is no one to pine over."

Dearka felt his insides freeze over, and he could feel every heartbeat in his ear. Yzak would not lie to him. "Are you telling me…"

Yzak looked at him bravely, answering his prior question. "She wants to talk to you. But if you want to save yourself the pain and humiliation, pack your things, and come home to the PLANTs with me."

"… why?"

Yzak then stood up, brushed his pants clean, and started to walk away. "Because if you want to save whatever's left of your pride, leaving now would be the best solution."

Dearka shook his head in disbelief. He had to wring his hands together to prevent them from strangling the truth out of Yzak's throat. There were too many hidden things in what his friend said, and parts of him were convinced that it _would_ boil down to Miriallia choosing.

_Is she going to choose him over me?_

Dearka shuddered involuntarily. No, he should not think this way. It was too painful to even consider that she was going to slip away from him again. But he was too chicken to confront her, even with Sai away. He needed a distraction. And right now, the only one who could provide the best distractions was Cagalli. Standing up and brushing his pants lightly, he looked back at Yzak's retreating form and smiled apologetically.

"Maybe one day, Yzak. Someday, I _might_ have to take your offer. But I've made her wait ten long years for me. I think I can wait for her answer a little longer without rushing her."

* * *

Miriallia woke up with a start as her bedside telephone began to ring, and she stared at it until the answering machine picked up. As expected, it was Sai.

It had been a week already since the confrontations she had with Dearka and her fiancé, and she had spent the past days locked up inside her apartments, not even going to work, or seeing her friends. Cagalli had called a few times, but Miriallia talked to her only briefly to tell her everything was all right. But judging from the way her friend had asked her about how she was, Miriallia already knew the news had traveled and reached Cagalli's ears.

_"Mir, good morning. It's me. Again. How are you? Why won't you answer my messages or return my calls? I'm really worried about you…"_ Sai's voice said. He did sound worried. And tired. So very tired. Miriallia felt guilty for being the reason for his anxiety, but she did not dare answer his calls for the fear of bursting into tears. She was tired of crying. It had been the only thing she's done since the confrontation. _"Listen… I know you must be in a very hard position right now, but… uhm… yeah… My parents called earlier and was asking about you and how the preparations are going… and I couldn't lie to them and told them things are a bit rocky and that… yeah… the wedding could be delayed a bit… but I didn't have the heart to tell them it will be cancelled… "_

Miriallia felt a tear trickle down her cheek and she closed her eyes to prevent more from falling. Mr. and Mrs. Argyle… She felt her heart clench painfully in her chest and buried her face into her pillow as she listened to Sai's deadpanned voice. _"Uhm… Milly? Can't we talk more about this? Is there no way we can save what we have here? I love you. More than anything in the world… Please don't do this to me. I love you. Let's talk about this… Right now I'm away in space but when I get back? Please?"_ And the answering machine cut the rest of his message.

Eyes slowly opening, Miriallia let out a ragged sigh and sniffed. For the past week she had done nothing but think things over, rolling things through her head, hoping to make sense in everything that's happened. Sai, who had always been for her no matter what, and Dearka who had haunted her dreams for ten long years. She tried to weigh the pros and cons. It got her nowhere. She was afraid about her decisions, about the many people she would hurt if she did chose one over the other. She had seen Sai's pained face when he was put down by Dearka, and she remembered having him feel the same thing back when they were young. She could not help but feel guilty for having to cause him the same grief because of her feelings. He had, after all, been a friend to her first and foremost…

But Dearka, who was never there for her before, suddenly had given everything up just to be with her after denying his feelings for him for so long. But most of all, she knew that with Dearka, she was going to be happy because her mind and body had been longing for him even before she had realized she was.

_But I guess,_ she thought. _I will have to be choosing between what is right… and what is easy…_

For a brief moment, she watched the phone grudgingly. All in all, there were twelve messages in her answering machine. All of them, from Sai. For some weird reason, she felt a bit confused and angry that not one of them even came from Dearka. For a whole week, she had not heard from him, while Sai had done nothing but bombard her with messages in her cell phone and answering machine.

Shaking her head tiredly, she pressed the erase button of her answering machine and buried her head in the sheets. Not a second later, she was crying again.

Why did falling in love have to be this painful?

Wiping angrily at her face, she pushed the sheets away and got out of bed. It was time to see someone.

* * *

Dearka listened dumbly to Cagalli's fingers as they tapped rhythmically on her desk. The princess was studying a piece of paper about the proposals of her people in Morgenroete, but the glassy look in her eyes told the former Buster pilot that her mind was elsewhere. He had been standing there for almost half an hour already, but Cagalli was still not giving him the signal on what to do. The paper she was looking at was the proposal for construction of a museum. The Mobile Suits left, which Cagalli had pointed out as_ "things that eat up all their funds which could be allotted for better projects",_ had after all taken it's toll on maintenance, and if ever a war did occur, they would not be able to function any better than in display. All Cagalli had to do was stamp it, sign it, then hand it back to Dearka, but it seemed as if the princess was lost within the tiny block letters written on that single piece of paper.

Dearka finally cleared his throat loudly. "Should I come back later?"

He nearly jumped when Cagalli suddenly slammed her palm on the desk, making the paper she had been studying for some time now flutter away onto the floor.

"You are keeping something from me, and I want you to tell me what it is. Right now," Cagalli said in a calm voice, but her auburn eyes burned holes into his head.

Dearka raised his eyebrows at her, amused. She was obviously aware of the situation that he wondered why she had to ask him about it. "I'm sure you've heard about it from Athrun already. Sai found out, we brawled a little in Miriallia's apartment, and now she doesn't want to see the both of us. That's all there is to it. What else haven't you heard?"

Cagalli nearly bristled. "I haven't heard that part on the reason why you haven't called her."

Dearka narrowed his eyes at her. Of course, this was not the first time he had had this lecture. Athrun was more than livid when he found out that he hadn't even seen her, especially that Sai was away. "I'm not going to rush Miriallia into anything, especially since I am proximity-wise, able to do so. It would be bad on her part and unfair to Sai."

He nearly doubled back on his words. Normally, any guy in his position would be more than happy to swipe the girl off her feet with the competition away, but he did not have the heart to do so. Sai was a good man. Even he knew that the man did not deserve this suffering.

Cagalli studied him for a second too long, then shook her head in wonderment. "Dearka, let me remind you that this is not a competition, this isn't a race, and you three are no longer children. All you have to do is decide on what you want the outcome to be, and do your damn best to reach that goal."

Dearka laughed at her analogy, and, deciding this was going to be a long, long talk, he sat down on the couch across Cagalli's desk. "Cagalli, you tell me. If you were in Miriallia's shoes, what would you do? Will you intentionally hurt a man as good as Sai just to be with a guy you haven't seen for ten years, guided only by pining away over him because he never called, never wrote, never even said hello until lately? Miriallia is too nice to disregard other people's feelings. That's just her."

This made Cagalli shake her head vigorously. "Okay, let's pause one minute and remember the big, big possibility that she may not choose you."

Dearka felt his left cheek twitch violently. For the past week, he had been trying to ignore that big, big possibility. He was succeeding, until Cagalli tactlessly pointed it out. He felt his heart skip a beat at that probability as he gripped the couch with both hands clenching into fists. He looked away from Cagalli. "If that happens, then I die."

Cagalli sighed. "What are you going to do?"

Dearka rubbed his temple with one hand. The things he refused to think about crashed into him like a wave. It was the first time in his long years of living that he felt desperately, helplessly lost. What was he to do? What _can_ he do?

It was only when he felt Cagalli's arms around him that he realized he was shivering uncontrollably. Like a child hugs his mother, he returned her embrace, hungrily searching for comfort.

He felt Cagalli stroking his hair gently. "It will be all right. You'll be all right…"

Dearka shook his head stubbornly. "Not without her. Not without Miriallia. I've been a fool having to have made her wait this long for me. Even now I can't forgive myself for causing her this much pain because I was a coward. And now, I won't be able to forgive myself even more if I caused her more pain as it is. But I don't know what to do… I don't know what will cause her the littlest pain, if I just stay away, or be with her… "

The princess nodded in understanding. "It must be hard. I wish I could understand more what you could be feeling. But I don't. Talk to her… Make her know your feelings. She must be very confused…"

Dearka squeezed his eyes shut, a lone tear trickled down his face. "I don't know what to do… I don't know what to do…"


	13. In War In Love

**Chapter Thirteen:**

**In Love In War**

* * *

_"The richest love is that which submits to the arbitration of time."_

_-Lawrence Durrell_

* * *

By the second week, Dearka barely stepped out of his room except for toilet breaks. He had found pleasure in staring at the ceiling for hours on end while lying down on the bed, while sometimes turning over on his side and angrily pulling at the sheets. Every time someone knocked on the door, he pretended he was asleep, and if the person was too persistent, he would shout at him to go away. Though he knew this was not a good idea since this was, after all, not his house, Cagalli had been very lenient with him, leaving trays of food by his doorstep three times a day, and had not once intruded in his privacy. Athrun, on the other hand had been angry with him. Earlier this day, Athrun had threatened to break down the door if he didn't open it. Dearka believed he would have, had Cagalli not stopped him from doing so.

Dearka had been oblivious of the time since that outburst from Athrun, and once, he actually thought of getting out his duffel bag from the closet, pack his stuff and fly off to the PLANTs with Yzak.

And he would have done so, had his next guest not come over to greet him.

That same day, someone knocked on his bedroom door so lightly that he barely heard it. The next thing that happened was something Athrun or Cagalli had not done for the past week; the door opened ever so slightly. Dearka raised his head and nearly fell out of bed when he saw big blue eyes set on a small face looking at him solemnly.

"Lacus?" Dearka croaked as he sat on his bed, feeling naked as the Songstress stepped into his room, in her left hand a set of keys that she immediately slipped into her pocket, in her right a box of something that smelled very tempting.

"Hello," Lacus greeted him with her melodious voice. Dearka fidgeted in place as she walked towards him. Glided was more like it. He had known that the Songstress was tall, but he had never really regarded her height before and had never thought it intimidating, but right now, the way she walked meant she had come with a purpose.

"Are you well?" She asked him, brushing her skirt aside as she settled herself beside him on the bed, crossing her legs comfortably, then settled her big eyes on him as if prodding his mind.

"I'm fine actually. How about you?"

"I'm worried about you. And Miriallia."

Isn't everyone? This was to be expected from her. But Dearka had not really been given any opportunities to be alone with Lacus to figure out how to react around her. She had always been in contact with Yzak mostly for Peace Talks and Concerts that involved the PLANTs and Orb Emirates, and Dearka had always exchanged the usual 'hello's" and "good afternoon's" with her, but aside from that, Dearka had honestly seen no reason to approach her, _or_ the other way around. But here she was, sitting on his bed, an unreadable expression on her pretty face, and a box of something that was making his stomach churn.

Dearka unconsciously grabbed his pillow and put it between him and Lacus for a reason he couldn't quite understand, but Lacus merely smiled in understanding and handed him the box, which he looked at as if it were a snake about to bite him. When Lacus saw he wasn't about to take her offering, she placed it gently on the pillow separating them and tilted her head a little to the right as if trying to examine something she had seen for the first time.

"Chicken Wings," she explained when he gave her a look. "Cagalli told me that you haven't been eating lately. She said the maids always bring back untouched food trays back to the kitchen. That isn't a good way of thanking your hosts."

Dearka looked away, embarrassed. It was not an accusation from the Songstress, but he did not have to be a genius to figure out it was a good-natured rebuke. He rubbed his eyes tiredly with the back of his hand. "I should just leave. I don't even know why I'm here anymore."

"Why _did _you come here in the first place, Dearka?"

The question caught him off-guard. That question had been asked by so many people ever since he started staying on Earth, and he had all blatantly waved them off. Except maybe Cagalli and Athrun. And of course, Yzak.

Grabbing a handful of his hair, he looked away from her. "At this moment, I don't even remember why I bothered to come. It was a mistake."

Lacus nodded encouragingly, as if hoping for him to continue, but there was nothing in his mind that he could put into words at the moment. He covered his eyes with his hand. "I don't want to talk about it if you don't mind…"

Lacus did not respond, but after a few moments, Dearka felt something warm on his knee. Peeling his hand from his face, he saw Lacus touching him comfortingly, an understanding look on her face. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I didn't come all this way to pressure you into telling me what's going on."

Dearka looked at her, somehow feeling a tiny bit bad for doubting her words. "Then why _are _you here?"

"I came here as a favor to Kira, who hasn't stopped thinking about you and Miriallia since we last saw each other down town. Do you remember that time?"

How could he forget about that day? It was the time when Cagalli had set him up to pick up her wedding dress designs from Carmela the wedding planner, and "coincidentally" bumped into Miriallia in the same parlor. He had asked himself how he could have fallen for such an obvious trick from the Princess of Orb; as much as Dearka loved Cagalli, he could not simply deny that the girl was too conniving for her own good.

"Anyway," Lacus continued. "Kira is actually downstairs, waiting with the car running, and is hoping you could join him for a drive in the mountains."

Dearka winced. Count on a celebrity to assume they would get what they want. But the cuteness of the thought made him smile a bit. "And he has the car on standby, right?"

"Yes."

"Even when you don't know if I'd say I'd go with you or not?"

"That is correct."

Dearka narrowed his eyes at her, suspicious. He did not know what the Songstress had under her sleeve that would involve Kira at all, but he did not understand why he felt like he needed to answer to this summons. It was not as if he and Kira were that close too. The connection they had, in fact, was that they both fought on the same side during the war. But that was ages ago. The time they met downtown over coffee was one of the rarest things they have ever shared, and they didn't even say anything more than the normal hello, how are you dialogue. "Fine. After I eat my chicken."

Lacus had to laugh.

* * *

The golden light of the setting sun engulfed the empty cemetery with a warm glow, making Miriallia feel calmer than she ever had for the last weeks. How many years has it been since she had visited this place? A year? Maybe two? She had already forgotten. And because she had, this made her feel a bit guilty.

Kneeling slowly in front of the weed-infested grave by her feet, tucking her skirt under her legs, Miriallia wondered why she had even disregarded paying this place a visit for so long. Her fingers reached out to touch the cold stone where the name Tolle Koenig was engraved. There was nothing inside this tomb. That was over ten years ago, when Tolle had been killed in war, and no body was retrieved for burial, but the moment Miriallia had come home to Orb, she had insisted on a grave to commemorate Tolle's death. It was ironic. She was the one who requested for this place, but must have been the only one who hadn't visited lately. Looking at the right side of the tombstone, she saw a withered bouquet of lilies and baby's breath, and turned around when she heard footsteps coming from behind.

It was Athrun. It was Miriallia's first time meeting the former Justice Pilot in this place, but was not surprised to see him carrying lilies and baby's breath much like the one sitting on the grave's side. In his other hand was a small cardboard box with some rattling things in it which Miriallia could only guess. From the looks of it, the man was probably Tolle's frequent visitor.

"Hello there," Athrun greeted, kneeling beside her and laying the bouquet on the ground by the grave and picked up the old one, then dumping it inside the box he had with him. "Fancy meeting you here."

Miriallia watched as Athrun procured two candles and matches from the box, and she bit her lips as the dark-haired man set the candles by the foot of the grave and lit them. She felt even guiltier, because she, on the other hand, did not even bring anything to honor her lost boyfriend.

"I usually come here on Sundays, but for some reason, I had an inkling to drop by for a visit." Athrun's eyes suddenly turned to her. "It was as if Tolle had wanted me to come here, on the exact same time you did. Coincidence?"

Miriallia was at a loss for words. In one big wave, her emotions crashed in on her, and she felt a single tear trickle down her cheek. And then another, and then another. One moment, she was kneeling, the next she was sobbing feverishly as Athrun took her into his arms to comfort her.

"I… do - don't know wha-what to do…" she wailed, holding onto Athrun's shirt as if her life depended on it. "I don't know what to think anymore! All I want is to be happy! For everyone to be happy, but I don't know what to do anymore! Dearka and Sai… both of them have been so good to me… I don't deserve either of them with the way I am acting. I cheated on Sai, and he still wants me. I can't make up my mind and because of that Dearka wouldn't even contact me, and I am too full of myself to make the first move, which if I did, I wouldn't be able to make a decision and it will hurt him even more… Athrun, help me! I'm dying. I don't know what to do!"

Athrun listened to her outburst patiently, holding her tight and stroking her hair gently. He let her cry freely as he rocked her back and forth, and this made Miriallia sob more. She was pathetic. She did not even believe she deserved his sympathy, as this pain was, after all, self-inflicted. If only her heart wasn't this undecided, then she would not be hurting as much. Yet, even when she herself could see the irrationality of her self-inflicted pain, Athrun never said a word.

She did not even realize how long she had been crying on that spot, Athrun embracing her like a mother would a child. But when she opened her eyes, the sun had already begun setting behind the mountains, and she felt herself shiver as she pulled away from the former Justice pilot. Athrun looked down at her, holding her at arm's length, those eyes brimming with patience peering at her, as if a woman crying her heart out to him was the most natural thing there ever was in everyday life.

"Do you feel a bit better now?" he asked her silently.

She nodded, and she did feel a bit light hearted after the good cry. But her mind was no less enlightened before it. Hugging herself self-consciously, she turned again to the grave, caressing it with her eyes. "He would be so disappointed in me. This was not the life he would have wished for me, if he were alive."

Athrun followed her gaze. "No one who cares for you would want you to suffer this much emotional grief, Mir. Dead or living." There was so much meaning in his words, yet Miriallia was too devastated and tired to even put rationality in what he said. She wiped her eyes shamefully,

The dark-haired man then shifted his gaze to her. "Let's try to make things simpler then. If, just if, you were not to think of what others would feel, or say to you, and you were to think only of what would make you happy, who would you choose?"

Miriallia bit her lip. She had dreaded this question. She knew that one of these days, someone was going to ask her this, but she knew she was too ashamed to admit to herself that she was, in all reality, selfish. And that she wanted to be happy. "I had thought about him all these years. It was the worst right after we came back home from the war. It was like a drug, the wanting to think about him, what he was doing, what he was thinking. When Sai and I started dating, the longing sort of lightened a bit, and would only hit me on occasions when Sai was away. I thought that when Sai proposed to me, the longing would disappear completely, but I was wrong. If anything, it got worse. When I finally slipped the engagement ring on my finger, thinking about him came as natural as breathing. And then, suddenly, he's here in Orb, and he tells me the words that I've been longing to hear for so long. But why, then, am I so confused on who to chose when my heart already knows the answer?"

Athrun placed a hand on top of her head, smiling at her gently. "Because you are a kind person, and if you had a way to make this story into a happy ending, you'd grab that chance."

"I'm not as kind as you think."

With this Athrun stood up, brushed his knees of the soil and laughed, ruffling her hair one final time then picked up the box he had brought with him, tucking it under one arm. "I'm not going to force you into making a decision for yourself, because I know you can figure it all out without my meddling. Anyway, I have to fetch Cagalli from the hospital. She had her first check up today. Will you be okay?"

Miriallia tried to be cheerful at answering. "Yes, thank you. For everything. I didn't mean to keep you with my weepy self."

"Hang in there, Mir." And with this, he left. Miriallia watched him disappear from the cemetery, then returned her gaze at the grave, with a single thought in her mind.

_If all was fair in love and war, does breaking off an engagement for your own happiness count?_


	14. To Hurt, To Hope, To love

**Chapter Fourteen:**

**To Hurt, To Hope, To Love**

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* * *

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_It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace. _

_- George Bernard Shaw_

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* * *

**

One of these days she was going to look back at today, throw her head back, and laugh like crazy for being so blind at heart, especially when everyone was practically screaming out the answers to her predicament from the very beginning.

The moment she got out of the taxi she took from the cemetery, she hurried into her apartment, nearly knocking over the potted plants by the door and almost tripping over the rug that was strategically situated to hide the dark spot on the carpet where Sai had spilled coffee about a year ago. When naturally, the thought of Sai would bring her to near insanity because of guilt, she merely glanced at the stained spot, rearranged the rug to cover it up, then deposited her things uncaringly on the sofa. She was not going to waste any more of her time moping and feeling lost. She had done that quite enough already. And she was done with it.

She had decided. She was going to call Dearka to tell him that he meant the world to her and that she would die if they weren't together. And after that, she was going to tell Sai that although he was special to her, it would be plainly unfair if she married him out of nothing.

She knew it. She was on a role! Today was a good day and she was feeling quite optimistic that finally, _finally_ her suffering was over. She was going to be happy.

_She was going to be happy!_

Barging into the bathroom, she planted both her hands on the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. Blotchy from crying, nose red and eyes puffy, she could not believe that she was planning to pour her heart out to Dearka today looking like a zombie. The thought made her smile crookedly. It didn't matter. She didn't give a damn! Nothing was going to stop her from finally starting the rest of her life.

Turning on the cold water, she splashed her face several times then looked once again into the mirror. "This is it, Milly," she whispered to her reflection. "Forever starts today…"

She turned the water off, wiped her mouth with her hand, and hurried out the bathroom. The first thing she had to do was contact Dearka. If he was still in Orb, that is. The thought of the possibility of him being gone made her heart catch in her throat, and she nearly dived for her phone, dialed the Attha Mansion, and aged ten years waiting for someone to pick up.

_"Hello?"_ It was Cagalli.

"Dearka!" she shrieked.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. _"Milly?"_ Cagalli asked, as if someone screaming at her on the phone like a banshee was normal. _"Is that you?"_

She had to get a grip. Her mouth was starting to spout random words faster than her brain was thinking of coherent things to say. "Cagalli. I'm sorry. Yes, it's me. I need to talk to Dearka."

There was another pause on the line. _"Dearka's not here, Mir."_

Miriallia nearly fainted. Was she too late? Had Dearka decided to leave Orb without waiting for her decision? _And could she blame him? _Who would want to wait for an indecisive woman like her? "That can't be! I need to talk to him!" she demanded crazily. She could not even control herself, and she felt her hands shaking as clutched the receiver to her cheek. Dearka can't possibly be gone. He had to still be on earth!

"_Calm down, Milly! He just left with Kira for a drive."_

Miriallia made herself breathe in deep, trying to calm down. He had not left Orb. He was still in the island! It took all her power before she could control her breathing. "When will he be coming back? I need to talk to him!"

"_I'm not sure what time he'll be back, but if your message is urgent, Lacus is visiting right now and I can ask her to call Kira on his mobile and ask him to tell Dearka to call you. Would that be fine?"_

Miriallia shook her head, and it took a while before she realized that Cagalli couldn't see her gesture. "No. It's too important to tell over the phone. I need to see him! Today! I need to see him as soon as possible!"

There was yet another pause on the other end of the line. _"Is everything all right, Milly?"_

"Everything's fine, Cagalli. Nothing could be better than this! I'm in love!"

There was a loud squawk of protest from Cagalli, but Miriallia interrupted her. "Tell Dearka that I need him to come over as soon as he can! Tell him I need to say something very important to him!" And she slammed down the phone, hardly able to control her fast-beating heart and she hurried to her bedroom and dived onto the bed. She rolled around it for a few moments before attacking her closet. She needed to look for something decent to wear. She was about to spill her everything to Dearka and she still looked close to the bride of Frankenstein. After practically excavating every single article of clothing she had onto her bed, the doorbell rang, and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

Could it be Dearka? Had he received her message and rushed to meet with her the moment he did? She looked down at her attire. The mud and dirt from the cemetery earlier still stained the hem of her skirt, her shirt was still rumpled from clinging too tightly to Athrun as she cried and only the heavens knew what kind of natural calamity had become of her hair, but she didn't care.

Abandoning the mountain of clothes on her bed, she hurried to the door, slipping once again on the rug that covered the coffee stains on the flooring, and succeeded in bowling over two of the potted plants by the door.

She reached for the doorknob with a shaky hand, took a deep breath, and flung the door open with a flourish, prepared to launch herself at Dearka's waiting arms…

… only to find Sai Argyle standing on her doorstep, a serious expression on his face, and on either side of him stood none other than his father, looking utterly confused, and his mother, who looked like she was about to burst into tears…

Miriallia wanted to faint.

_That's not fair, Sai… That's not fair…_

* * *

This was not what he had expected from Lacus' invitation. Well, he did not really know what to expect from it, as he had but a handful of direct contact with the songstress, as with the former Freedom Pilot, who he had discovered sitting in Cagalli's living room, sipping something from a cup that smelled strongly of jasmine and chamomile. After Dearka had finished the chicken Lacus had brought him, he and the songstress descended from his room into the living room. Two weeks of not getting out into the open had made his muscles feel like lead as he made his way into the bright mansion to meet Kira, who much to his surprise, was wearing blue sweats and a red baseball cap on his mop of a head.

"I thought we were going for a drive somewhere…" Dearka said doubtfully.

Kira, lavender eyes blinking up at him calmly, waved. "Dearka, how are you?" He put down the cup of tea on the center table, tipped his cap back and gave what could have been an 'almost smile'.

Dearka frowned at him, scratching the back of his head. "Uh… hi?"

Lacus stepped from behind him and settled on the sofa next to Kira, placing a gentle hand on the former Freedom Pilot's knee. "I apologize. He insisted on eating this chicken before coming down."

Kira looked down at the pink-haired princess, whispered something in her ear and Lacus shook her head. "No, no. He's just being a little boy throwing a tantrum. But he ate everything."

At the comment, Dearka felt his whole face heat up, and he looked away. Maybe it was because it was Kira that he couldn't tell them to stop talking about him while he was there in the room. He cleared his throat. "The drive?"

Kira looked up at him, as if remembering he was there. Those deep lavender eyes held nothing Dearka could read. "Ah, yes. Are you ready?"

Dearka was taken aback. He looked down at his clothes. A rumpled pair of slacks. A rumpled shirt. Slippers. He swore he 'kind of' smelled. He needed a shower. He rubbed his chin and discovered he needed to shave as well. Did Kira mean they were leaving _now_?

"Ah… Uh…"

Kira nodded, touched Lacus' shoulder briefly before standing up. "Let's go, then."

And Dearka did not even know how he found himself sitting on the passenger seat of Kira's car, feeling sick to his stomach that had nothing to do with the chicken he had consumed earlier.

"How have you been?" Kira asked suddenly, keeping his eyes on the road from under that baseball cap of his.

Dearka shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Ever since Kira had come out of counseling, he had heard of the progress the man had achieved, struggling with psychiatric therapy after the war. He looked more than normal now, but would majority of the time lapse into pregnant silences that Dearka was more than willing to deal with. It was when Kira _started_ talking that made everything difficult. He seldom asked questions that Dearka felt obliged to answer, and when it was Dearka who asked questions, Kira would answer them with an indifferent "hmm," or a bland "Ah."

It was one of the worst thirty minutes of his life, until he realized Kira had pulled over at a deserted park located in the base of the mountain trail leading to the hot springs. Kira killed the engine and stepped out of the car, stretching his long legs one at a time before leaning back in and saying, "Let's go."

Dearka rearranged his face; he didn't realize he was frowning until he saw himself in the side mirror. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he staggered out of the car, thankful that at least Kira didn't decide to bring him where they would be bumping into other people.

Other people that would see his rumpled self.

Well, maybe that wouldn't be as bad as being alone with Kira in a deserted park. Damn, he was starting to feel very, very self-conscious. And wearing wrinkled clothes as if he didn't know what a flat iron was wasn't helping.

He was too distracted with his over-all appearance that he did not see the freight train that suddenly came out of nowhere and hit him smack on the jaw.

He staggered back with a strangled gasp, wiped at his mouth when he tasted a bit of blood. Trying to keep his balance, he looked up just in time to see Kira pulling back his arm and examining his fist with a childish curiosity that reminded him of the former Freedom pilot ten years back, when they had first met. Blinking out of his reverie, Kira plucked his baseball cap from his head, revealing his overgrown mop of hair sticking up in some places.

"What did you just do?" Dearka asked the man, although it was obvious Kira had just attacked him completely unprovoked.

Kira was now taking his time rolling up his sleeves. "Yzak's idea," he said simply.

Dearka's jaw dropped open when he regained footing. What was Yzak up to now? Hadn't he gone home back to the PLANTs? "It was Yzak's idea for you to hit me?" he asked incredulously.

Kira finished rolling up his sleeves and was now trying to pat down his hair. "I agreed with him, actually." When he realized he was fighting a losing battle with his hair, he picked his baseball cap again and jammed it back on his head. "Yzak said that you've always thought better with your head when you move your body. Come to think of it, when we fought side by side in the war ten years ago, you were one of those level-headed ones, always up on your toes. For someone who's so quick-witted and clever, I'd wondered why you couldn't even settle things with Miriallia. It's just taking too long. And everyone is starting to get very impatient."

Dearka nearly blanched. When Lacus had said Kira was there to take him out for a drive, Kira suddenly taking him out to a park to mug him while lecturing him about his love life was the last thing he'd expected. Actually, it was kind of annoying. It was not as if he and Kira were the best of friends enough for the man to point out the crucial mistakes in his romantic decisions. As far as he was concerned, Kira shouldn't be sticking his nose into his business, even when Dearka knew he meant well.

"Kira, you know I had always respected you, and you know how old war heroes are when they fight together with a common goal and all that, that they would forever be friends? Well, that's how I will always see you, but I swear, if you punch me again, I'll – "

Kira punched him again, this time smack in the gut. He tried to land another on his face, but Dearka blocked it with a forearm and retaliated with a kick, which Kira in turn dodged swiftly, backing away. It was weird that Dearka was fighting with a man whose emotionless face was so unnerving it was as if they were simply having a heated battle of rock-papers-scissors. "What are you planning to do now?"

Dearka rubbed the spot where Kira had punched him, wondering what Kira had against him that was making the man give his attacks some extra "oomph" in them. "I can't do anything about this. It's Miriallia's choice."

"Indeed," Kira murmured as he adjusted his stance and let his arms dangle at his sides freely. "And is that supposed to be a good enough excuse?"

Dearka watched in horror as Kira cracked his knuckles, a satisfied look in his otherwise stoic face.

"Well, we might as well get this over with. Give me your best shot," Kira said and he changed into a defensive stance, his arms raised in front of his face as if anticipating Dearka to fly at him and pummel him to death.

Dearka decided then that Kira still in need of more psychological help if he expected an assault from him. He raised his hands, as if in surrender. "If you want to talk, Kira, we can talk without having to hurt each other."

Kira shook his head, inching forward. Dearka leaped back haphazardly. "Athrun's tried to talk to you. Cagalli's tried to talk to you. Yzak and Lacus have tried the same thing, but they got nowhere. It's time to beat the answer out of you, it that's what it takes to get your brain to function properly."

And that was when Dearka really started to panic. The grim look that crept into the former Freedom Pilot's face reminded him of Kira two minutes before riding a mobile suit. No, it was even worse. It reminded him of Yzak two minutes after waking up in the morning.

It was one of those very rare moments that reminded him that before Dearka, before Cagalli and Athrun, Kira had been the longest of Miriallia's friends. Within the mad light in Kira's eyes, he could almost – _almost_ – see the concern he had for his friend. And Dearka couldn't blame him. It was, if anything, his entire fault for taking so long to grow a spine and come look for her. If only he had realized sooner that life wasn't worth living without her, she wouldn't have to be this emotionally torn in choosing between him and Sai. Perhaps if he had come at least three years earlier…? Or maybe if he'd at least phoned her once a week in the past decade…? No, that would have been awkward. He doubted they'd have had anything to talk about.

Kira moved so fast that the next thing Dearka saw was the brown-haired man's lavender eyes on his own lavender ones. "How long have you allowed this to drag on, Elthman?" he asked silently as he leaped back and delivered a perfect roundhouse aimed at Dearka's head.

Dearka blocked him with the back of his fist. "A decade, Yamato. A decade and a freaking day. Will you _please _stop attacking me?"

"Not until you come up with something that's going to settle everything right, the way it should be," Kira countered, sending a barrage of short, quick jabs, making Dearka hide behind his arms again.

While he could just give Kira what he wanted – which was a good brawl – Dearka didn't have to heart in him to fight back. Not that he was underestimating Kira (the man was already causing his arms to bruise badly), but because he knew deep down there was nothing he could do about it. He didn't want to crowd Miriallia, especially when Sai was away. Call it strange, call it stupid, but it was just his bent sense of fair play that had kept him from flying to Miriallia's place to grovel at her feet.

_Yeah, right. _

Who was he kidding? The one thing that was keeping him away was the _fear_ of the possibility of Miriallia not choosing him. He was such a pussy. Did he really deserve her?

Dearka caught Kira's right wrist in one hand and his left fist in another. "I don't know how to settle everything right, and even if you beat me up into a bloody pulp, you won't get anything. Let's stop this now and talk like civilized human bei – "

Kira cut him off when he snapped his right knee up and ground it into Dearka's stomach, making the former Buster Pilot double over and nearly gag as he got the wind knocked out of his system. His grip on Kira's wrist and hand loosened, and he dropped to the ground on his knees, coughing. One thing that hasn't changed with Kira all these years; he was still a pretty damn strong son of a bitch.

"Why haven't you called her?" Kira asked as he rolled his shoulders back as if to stretch more of those unused muscles on his back. He started to circle Dearka warily, waiting for him to get up.

"Because calling her would make things even more complicated than they already are."

"Are you sure that's the reason why you're avoiding her?"

"What other reason could there be?"

Kira wiped his nose distractedly, then tipped his baseball cap forward, hiding his eyes. "Think of something else. The martyr excuse doesn't work for you."

Dearka's pride flared as he got hold of himself, and slowly got to his feet. "There aren't any other reasons. Now let's stop this insanity, all right?"

It was apparently not all right. Kira let go of a right hook, catching Dearka's left cheek, sending him tumbling, sprawling on the hood of the car on his back. He could hardly feel the stinging sensation on his face brought about by Kira's fist.

"Stop making it sound like its Mir's fault!" Kira ordered, emotion finally entering his voice.

Dearka could hear him approach and he hurriedly clambered to a sitting position, preparing for another onslaught. "I never said it was her fault!" Dearka roared at Kira as the brown-haired man hovered over him, his mouth turned down in an uncharacteristic frown. "Everything's my fault! _Mine! _Are you happy now? Everything's my fault! And I can't bring myself to go to her because I'm an asshole, and I'm scared that she'll find out I am an asshole and pick that damn Sai over me! And god only knows what'll happen if she does that. I'll die. I'll die, goddammit!" He found himself running his hands through his hair, frustrated, angry and terribly, terribly lost. "Someone pay for my freaking funeral…"

He hadn't expected that would stop Kira from harassing him again, but somehow it did. When Dearka pulled his arms down on his lap before falling on his back onto the car's windshield, he saw Kira looking down at him, his emotionless mask once again pulled down over his eyes like a film. He was watching him, observing him. Dearka suddenly felt completely naked. He threw his arm over his eyes, afraid that tears were going to start falling. The last thing he wanted to cry in front of Kira.

"Go to her. Believe me. If Miriallia had meant to choose Sai from the very beginning, she wouldn't have waited this long to do so. Dated for five years, engaged for three. She would have chosen a long time ago if she really wanted to be with him."

"She should just get everything fucking over with," Dearka huffed, willing the tears to go away.

"Stop swearing," Kira said sadly.

"Go to hell."

It took a while before Kira sighed and Dearka could hear the man fiddling with something.

"Hello?" Dearka heard Kira suddenly say. He must be talking to someone on his mobile.

Dearka clenched his hands into fists as he drowned the sound of Kira's voice to a minimum. He wondered if this was how it felt to have your life flash through your eyes before dying, because at that moment, he felt all the memories of war, of Miriallia trying to kill him the very first time they've met, of fighting by Miriallia's side, of eating with her in the cafeteria of the Archangel once or twice, of seeing her cry after their ten year reunion, of taking her into his arms and kissing her for the first time, of making sweet, passionate love to her on her bed, and falling asleep beside her that same night, of making breakfast in her kitchen the morning after that… All the memories paraded through his mind's eye, and his heart started to clench painfully because of them.

He pried his arm away from his face when he felt someone touch his shoulder gently. Kira was looking down at him, and he was… smiling?

"I know you look like crap right now, Dearka, and.. yeah, you have blood running down your nose… but we have to go. That was Lacus on the phone. Apparently, Miriallia called the manor, and she was looking for you. Cagalli said she sounded she was running away from a stampede of elephants."

Dearka had to blink several times and unconsciously wiped the blood on his nose Kira had referred to before the message sank in. "Miriallia called?" Now what was that again about an elephant stampede? "Was she all right? Wha.. what did she want?"

Kira grabbed him by the collar, pulled him off the hood of the car and unceremoniously shoved him into the passenger seat. "She wants _you_. Let's go."

And he found himself falling. It was either from the pain of Kira's punches, or the euphoria that Miriallia had actually called for him! She wanted him!

_She wanted him!_

He had to cover his eyes with a hand, pinching his nose bridge to stop the stinging sensation tickling the back of his throat. It was almost too good to be true. Almost too good to be real.

_Wouldn't it be funny if Sai suddenly popped up to ruin the moment? Again? Like he always seemed to do?_

Dearka's eyes popped open, and a single tear trickled down his cheek.

_That would be hilarious…_

* * *

**_A/N: I'm alive!_**


End file.
